“That doesn’t negate the fact that you lost someone really important in your life, Harlow,” Jax said.
“I know,” I replied, feeling calmer now. “I’m sorry I woke you up. I know you go into work early. I just suddenly felt like I needed to know as much as I possibly could about what really happened. It’s time for me to deal with it so I can eventually move on. My days of living in denial are over.”
I heard Jax release a large breath before he answered, “Unfortunately, this is part of the recovery journey, sweetheart, and I’m damn glad you called me. I would have been really pissed off if I’d found out that you were sitting all alone in the dark, trying to work all this out alone.”
“How in the world did I ever end up getting an advisor like you?” I queried softly.
Jax had been infinitely kind, patient, and empathetic. After three weeks in his company every day, I was starting to feel…normal.
He never made me feel like there was something wrong with me, even though I’d been a total emotional mess since the first day we’d spent together.
“I have no idea,” Jax said with a chuckle. “But it must have been something really, really bad.”
“Stop that,” I insisted. “I’m trying to tell you how grateful I am. I’m completely serious. I’m not sure where I would be right now if you hadn’t insisted on helping me. I won’t pretend it’s not still a struggle sometimes, but I don’t feel like being some version of my previous self again is impossible anymore.”
“It never was impossible, and you never stopped being you,” he rumbled. “Don’t credit me with how far you’ve come in the last three weeks. Your progress is all about your strength and your determination, not mine.”
I sighed. “Will you ever give yourself credit for the nice things you do?”
“Nah. I don’t exactly deserve sainthood. You’ve only seen my good side. I can be a major dick, too,” he drawled.
“I find that doubtful,” I told him adamantly.
“You shouldn’t,” he shot back. “I’m usually an asshole. You just happen to be my Achilles’ heel, sweetheart.”
I was silent for a moment because I wasn’t quite sure how I felt about supposedly being one of Jax Montgomery’s vulnerabilities.
“I think you’re full of shit,” I finally told him. “I know you have a good heart, Jax, even if you don’t want anybody to know that.”
He groaned. “Please. I feel like you’re about to tell me that I’m a really nice guy.”
“You are a nice guy,” I confirmed. “What’s wrong with that?”
“Because that’s what women say when they don’t want to hurt a guy’s feelings. If they don’t find a guy attractive, they’re always a nice guy.”
“It’s completely possible for attractive guys to be really nice, too,” I said, defending both his gender and mine. “And I think you’re already completely aware that you’re one of the hottest men on the planet, Jax Montgomery. Any woman who doesn’t see that would have to be completely blind.”
“But we weren’t talking about any woman, Harlow. We were talking about you,” he said huskily.
My heart somersaulted as I sputtered, “I’m one of those women. I’m not exactly blind.”
“Does that mean you were attracted to me when I asked you out two years ago?” he asked smoothly.
Dammit! He’d backed me into a corner without even really trying.
Fine! I was always honest with him, so I answered, “I was attracted to you. When I refused your offer two years ago, it wasn’t because I didn’t want to get you naked and have hot, sweaty sex with you. Honestly, I even wondered if one night with you might be worth being hounded by the media for weeks. Are you happy now?”
“No,” he answered hoarsely. “Then what finally made you refuse?”
I let out an exasperated breath. “I told you that I was at a point in my life where I was looking for more, and you were definitely a one-night guy. I was so attracted to you that you were heartache just waiting to happen. While I had no doubt that the sex would have been amazing, I’ve never done one-night stands. So I would have ended up feeling like a slut, and I knew I’d see you often enough at the lab that I’d feel even worse. In the end, I wasn’t willing to trade my dignity for one night of fleeting carnal pleasure.” I took a deep breath before I added, “It’s late. We need to go so you can get some sleep.”
Oh, God, what had I just said? Yeah, it was the truth, but had I really needed to spill my guts about all that to Jax?
Yeah, maybe I had needed to tell him the truth. After everything he’d done for me, he deserved to know why I’d laughed in his face. My bitchiness that day had been nothing but a defense mechanism. I’d been so tempted to take Jax up on his offer that I’d felt like I had to drive him away.
No matter how much my opinion of Jax had changed, he was still a one-night guy, and I was a monogamous type of woman.
The seconds ticked by in total silence until Jax finally asked, “Are you going to be okay? What if you can’t go back to sleep?”
I breathed a sigh of relief that Jax had obviously decided not to push on the same topic. “I’m fine. Molly is here. I’ll get back to sleep. Calling you this late was a knee-jerk reaction because I hadn’t given myself the chance to calm down.”
“I want you to call me anytime you have a nightmare. Are you being straight with me, Harlow? If you’re not okay, I can come over—”
“No!” I said firmly. “If I wasn’t okay, I’d tell you. Go back to sleep, Jax.”
“Call me back if you can’t sleep,” he demanded.
“I’ll sleep. I feel better knowing that nothing about that nightmare was real. Goodnight, Jax,” I murmured.
“Hey, Harlow?” he said in a husky voice.
“Yeah?” I answered.
“Just a couple of things for the record. Number one, I felt the same attraction that you did when we met two years ago. Number two, if you’re under the impression that I slept with every woman I dated, I didn’t. Number three, I have no idea if we would have ended up sleeping together if we’d had a first date. No doubt my dick would have been hard all damn evening, but I didn’t ask you out for a quick fuck. I just wanted to get to know you better. Now that I do know you, I can tell you one more thing…”
I waited, my heart racing as Jax hesitated. “Tell me,” I whispered.
“Now that I do know you,” he started again, “I can tell you that if you would have said yes, there’s no way in hell that I would have been satisfied with just one date. Night, Harlow. Get some sleep.”