Now it could go poof without me being able to do anything to stop it.
I dropped my gaze back to my lap while Gabby walked away, closed my eyes, and while I wasn’t the most religious person, I had been raised in a home where we went to church sporadically. I knew the basics and believed them to be true in an abstract sort of way. So for the first time since I had to for my confirmation classes, I closed my eyes and prayed.
My phone rang in my hand, startling me and I fumbled it, before recognizing the phone on the screen. “Hello?”
“Is this Lizzie Winston?”
“It is. Yes, thanks for calling.” The caller was groggy, but I still recognized my midwife’s voice.
“Hey sweetie. I hear you’re having a little scare, huh?”
“Yeah.” My throat threatened to close. “I’m bleeding.”
“Okay. I know you’re in Las Vegas visiting. Have you gone to the hospital?”
“Yeah. I’m here now waiting.”
“Good. That’s good. Do you have any pain anywhere else? In your stomach? Lower back?”
I didn’t and told her so and then, because I was me, said, “Only from these plastic chairs I think.”
Her soft laugh echoed. “Good. That’s really good. You’re thirteen-ish, close to fourteen weeks from looking at your chart. Have you had any spotting yet before this?”
“No. Nothing.”
Silence as she typed something and the hairs on my arms stood on end. “There’s not a whole lot I can tell you, obviously, but you’re in the best place. Typically, this is simply nothing. There’s no need to be worried although I know it’s scary. It can be common for women to bleed, even for days like a regular menstrual cycle when pregnant, and everything right now is sensitive, swollen, and growing. There can be lots of reasons for the bleeding that don’t mean anything is wrong, so I want you to remember that, okay? Right now, the most important thing for you is to stay calm. Watch your heart rate and stress.”
“I will. Or try.”
“Good. I’m going to let you go, so you can rest while you’re in the waiting room because we both know that’s easy. Now, can you tell me the name of the hospital you’re at? That way I can give them a call first thing in the morning to see what they have to say and then I’ll touch base with you after. When are you planning on flying home?”
“Sunday,” I told her and gave her the name of the hospital.
“Okay. I want you to be prepared, sweetie. It might not be best for you to fly. Are you somewhere where you can stay a few days longer if necessary? And keep in mind, I’m only looking out for you, worst case… or bad case.”
I’d stay here forever. The very idea of getting on a plane made me want to cling to the kidney-shaped puke bucket in my lap. “Yeah… yes, I can stay here.”
“Good. That’s good.” Her voice lightened, still caring and soothing. This was why I loved the practice I found in Chicago. They weren’t medicinal… they were compassionate. It was the same feeling I had when I talked to Serenity. The last thing I felt from the first obstetrician. “Okay,” she said more cheerfully. “I’m going to let you go. Call me if you need anything. Anytime. We have actually a new mom getting ready to deliver, so I’ll be up for hours. Sound good?”
“Yes. Thank you. I appreciate the call.”
As I spoke it, Gabby appeared in front of me, phone in her hand. Her brows pushed in when she saw me on the phone.
We hung up and as soon as I did, Gabby gave her phone a little shake. “Voice mail. I told him what was going on, but not to worry, I’m taking good care of you.”
“Midwife,” I said, doing the same to my own phone. “She said the same thing.”
“Good.” She faked a smile.
“Yep.” I returned one of my own.
Absolutely nothing to be concerned about.
Right? Please God. Make the words true.
The room was stark white. We were secluded from other emergency room patients by blue curtains pulled shut that did nothing to mute the shouts from a gunshot victim or the whimpers from one of the women in the short glittery dresses with a broken ankle.
I tried hard to focus on the doctor, worn and weary at this late of an hour, and a man who didn’t look that much older than me.
Another prayer was sent up. God. Please don’t let this be his first night in the ER.
He rolled the fetal rate Doppler over my stomach. The gel was cold, but my skin was burning. It was taking him forever, and while he’d said similar condolences as my midwife did on the phone while a nurse drew blood and he came in and introduced myself, nothing would settle me until I picked up that telltale whoosh whoosh whoosh sound.
“There it is,” he said, right as it happened.
“Oh my goodness,” Gabby cried. She squeezed my hand so tight I worried about broken fingers and as tears bloomed in my eyes, the same thing was doing in hers. “Is that her?”
“Her?” I asked, grinning at her.
“The baby. But it’s a her. I can feel it.”
She grinned at me. Tried to loosen the mood, but the worry lined her eyes. “But it’s okay?” she asked the doctor.
“Everything sounds good.” He handed me a handful of paper towels for my stomach and cleaned off the Doppler. “We’re going to get an ultrasound machine in here to make sure and then wait for your blood tests. Could be awhile, though, okay?”
I nodded. “Sure.”
His hand settled on my ankle and gave a gentle, comforting squeeze. “Things look good. This might be nothing but a blip, so stay hopeful, okay?”
“I’ve heard that phrase a lot today and I have to tell you, it’s not really helping.”
He rewarded me with a grin I’d call handsome and sincere, if I was in the right frame of mind. “I get that, too.” His glance slid between the two of us. “I’ll be back as soon as the nurses have the ultrasound tech and machine.”
“Thanks, doc,” Gabby said.
He nodded in response and left the curtained area. He was barely gone before I turned to her and waggled my eyebrows playfully. “He’s cute.”
She rolled her eyes. “Shut up.”
“Well he is.”
“I am not going to flirt with a doctor right now.”
Stranger things had happened.
We sat, worried. My attempts at changing the subject fell flat quickly after. We were worried.
Scared.
And mostly, I needed Garrett.
27
Garrett
We heard the heartbeat. Everything seems okay. But we’re still at the hospital. Don’t worry.
I stared at the text from my sister as soon as the plane landed. I got her first text after takeoff. Fuck.
Lizzie was in the hospital. Scared. Worried. And I wasn’t there. My greatest nightmare. That I wouldn’t be the dad I wanted to be. The partner I wanted to be. All because of my goddamn job.
It was so reminiscent of my own dad. Deployed. On training missions. My head spun and I almost cracked the armrest when Gabby’s first voice mail came through right as the plane was backing from our departure gate.