I wince when he launches the bottle against the wall. “But I ruined that.”
He whips around to face me and his expression makes my throat close.
He’s utterly wrecked.
Those dazed blue eyes lock on mine and his voice cracks like the broken glass on the carpet. “I’m exactly like him.”
No. His father was a drunk who beat the shit out of his kid.
While Phoenix is far from a saint and God knows he’s done some terrible things, the reason he’s stuck in this self-destructive vortex is because he’s consumed with guilt over a mistake he made.
That alone proves he’s nothing like that man.
“Come here.”
Grief steals over his features as he staggers over.
Peeling the comforter back, I help him into bed.
Peering down, I sweep my finger over the crest of his sharp cheekbone. “Mistakes don’t define who someone is, Phoenix. It’s what you do after that does.”
I’m about to leave, but his fingers wrap around my wrist. “Stay.”
God, there’s so much pain contained in that single word.
Ignoring all the reasons I shouldn’t, I crawl into bed beside him.
Exhaling a shaky breath, he rolls onto his stomach. “The moment I got behind the wheel, I signed their death warrant.” His next words are muffled against the pillow. “The world thinks I’m a god…but I’m in hell.”
Sometimes there’s nothing you can say to make it better. No words of comfort or solace you can give to make it hurt a little less.
Sometimes the only thing you can do is be there…so they aren’t alone.
Gently, I run my fingertips up and down his bare back, hoping to lull him to sleep.
As his breathing grows deeper, I study the large tattoo spanning his back. I’ve noticed it a few times since I’ve been here, but I never had the inkling to examine it before now.
It’s a beautiful piece of art.
Vibrant colorful flames surround a resilient phoenix ascending from the pile of smoky embers below.
The bird is half black and half color…as though stuck in mid-transformation.
Trying his hardest to overcome that which destroyed him.
The little I know about Phoenix’s past and everything he’s told me tonight sits heavy in my chest as I trace the wings with the tip of my finger.
“I should be dead,” he whispers. “Not them.”
It feels like someone reached inside my chest and pulled out my beating heart.
Because if he keeps going the way he is…he will be.
“I wish it was me.” The hopelessness in his voice cuts like a knife. “So fucking bad.”
I know he does.
I continue tracing the lines of his tattoo as his heavy eyelids close and his labored breathing evens out.
Phoenix’s are supposed to rise from the ashes…
But this one wants to burn.
CHAPTER 38
LENNON
Waking up next to Phoenix Walker is both strange and oddly familiar at the same time.
Like catching up with an old friend you haven’t seen in years.
Upon rousing and seeing me, he grins. “Hey.”
Holy hell, it should be illegal for someone to look like that when they first wake up.
“How do you feel?”
Yawning, he stretches those long limbs like a feline. The movement causes the covers to drop, exposing his flat sculpted stomach…and the scar on his torso.
“Like shit.”
“Luckily, you still have a couple more hours before soundcheck.”
“Yeah.” Stuffing one hand under his pillow, he holds my gaze. “Thanks for last night.”
Emotions run rampant throughout me as we continue staring at one another.
My chest hurts when I think about everything he told me.
But just as quickly…my self-preservation kicks in, reminding me we’re not friends.
While I feel terrible for what happened, and I don’t think he should spend the rest of his life harming himself because of it…it doesn’t change what he did to me.
Spending the night in his bed—albeit for comfort as opposed to sexual reasons—is not only a bad move on my part, it’s flat out dumb.
“I’m gonna go.”
My feet have barely touched the floor when a strong arm wraps around my waist and I’m hauled onto the bed again.
Pressing the front of his body against my back, his lips find the sensitive spot under my ear. “Stay.”
Unlike last night, the word isn’t laced with pain…it’s pure desire.
The substantial morning wood digging into my ass triggers that all too familiar war to wage inside me again. “Phoenix.”
“Don’t worry.” My breath hitches when the pad of his thumb slides along the bare patch of skin above the band of my sleep shorts. “I’ll let you come this time.”
His voice is like warm honey over rust, equally caressing and abrading my insides as his hand slowly makes its way up my shirt…
Giving me just enough time to come to my senses before it’s too late.
Ripping his hand away, I get off the bed. “Not happening.”
“Why?” he rumbles like a toddler who’s about to have a temper tantrum because their favorite toy was taken away.
The fact he even has the gall to ask why I’m turning him down only pisses me off more.
“Are you serious?” The confused look on his face has me straight up seething. “Just because I was there for you last night doesn’t mean everything is okay between us.”
It never will be.
He sits up “Goddammit, Lennon. I’m—”
“You’re what?” I push when he stops himself.
Jaw ticcing, he grabs a pack of cigarettes and a lighter off the nightstand.
Come on. Say it.
Give me the acknowledgment—and the apology—I deserve.
But he doesn’t.
He sits there smoking his cigarette.
“That’s why.”
Disgusted, I speed toward the door.
Another surge of wrath explodes inside me as I twist the knob.
“Phoenix?”
I wait for him to look at me before I utter my next words.
“Does it hurt to hear me everywhere you go?”
For the briefest of moments, the anguish from last night is back.
Good.
“Where’s Phoenix?”
Still being a no-good rotten liar.
“Come again?” Chandler snaps.
Shit. I didn’t realize I said that aloud.
I clear my throat. “Bathroom.”
Chandler waves a hand emphatically. “Well, if you want to stay employed, I suggest you go fetch him. The sound engineer is having an issue and they need him out there pronto.”
“Sure thing, Dicky,” I grit through my teeth as I stalk off.
I try the public bathroom backstage first since it’s the closest.
Irritated, I pop my head inside. “Shake it and zip it, scumbag. They need you on sta—” Phoenix isn’t in here, but I see George standing at the urinal. “Whoops.”
George quickly zips up his pants. “Hi.”
“Hey. Have you seen Phoenix?”