I packed my bags before breakfast. My father was the only one downstairs; my mother's bedroom door was shut tight again.
"Would it be okay if I headed back to campus soon?" I asked my father.
"That's a good idea. You probably have a lot of catching up to do," he said. He was packing his briefcase to head back to work. He missed my head and kissed the air as he walked to the garage door.
#
I got to my dorm room just before lunch. Darla had already left for class and I was glad for a moment alone. As soon as I had driven onto campus, I was flooded with memories of Sienna. I had to take a detour just to avoid seeing her dormitory.
I threw my overnight bag on the bed and opened it. Instead of carefully putting everything away, I decided to just dump it into my laundry basket. I had only been on campus twenty minutes, but I was already itching to get back in the car.
There were messages written all over the white board on our door. Notes were taped along the doorframe. Inside, Darla had carefully arranged a wild display of cheap flowers purchased at the bookstore. It looked like half of campus had decided to leave me condolences. I hated to think what Sienna's door looked like and vowed not to go there.
Instead, I started to think about leaving campus all together. Sienna was the only one that had kept me on track. Even my college advisor had started suggesting I look at other majors. Without my sister driving me, there was no way I was going to earn my degree in nursing. I did not have the heart for it.
Sienna was going to be the heart surgeon, I thought. Had I somehow imagined I would be a nurse in the same hospital? What had I been thinking?
It had all been decided for me. I remembered the conversations over my college applications. I had said very little. I loved the sound of UCLA and at the time, it had not mattered what got me here. Now, all I could think about was getting out.
The sickly sweet smell of the carnations and daisies made me nauseated. The few cards that I could see all talked about Sienna like she was a perfect angel. Am I so wrong for wanting to remember my sister the way she actually was?
I still had time to make it to class, but the whole rest of the day stretched out before me like a minefield of memories. I would look for Sienna everywhere. She had helped pick out the quilt on my bed. She had given me my desk organizer. Sienna always waved to me before gross anatomy. The memories froze my blood faster than seeing a real ghost and drove me from my room.
"Quinn! I didn't expect to see you back so soon."
I stopped short of running my lab partner over. Her smile wobbled at the wild look in my eyes, but she caught me in a hug anyway.
"Yeah, I think I came back too fast. I mean, I'm just here to get some more of my stuff," I said.
She brushed back her curly hair and blinked wet eyes at me. "I can't even imagine how hard this is for you. Darla thought about taking down all the notes, but she finally decided it was a good memorial for everyone."
"No, she's right. It’s wonderful." I made sure to look anywhere but the door covered in condolences. "How's class?"
"I've got all the notes for you and I asked a few of the students that film his lectures to send you links. I think you can catch up no problem."
I put a hand against the wall and wondered if I was going to retch. "Sounds good."
"No, no it doesn't. Oh, Quinn, I'm so sorry," she said. "You know there is a school policy that lets students take a semester off. Family tragedy is a completely understandable reason for needing the time."
"No, it’s fine. I'll be back soon. Thanks so much for keeping me up to date," I said. The idea of all the make-up work was overwhelming, but I managed a smile for my lab partner. "Are you doing okay on your own or did they assign you a new partner?"
"A new partner. Remember the guy with the glasses that I kind of had a crush on? So really, it’s no problem," she smiled.
I was glad for the change of topic. "He's a friend of Trent's. We'll have to try a double date some time."
Her smile slipped as she checked her watch. "I gotta run but you take care, Quinn. See you again soon!"
I turned and ran down the stairwell. Now that she had mentioned taking a semester off, the idea was taking root. I needed time to figure out what I really wanted to do and if UCLA was really the place for me. So, naturally, before I decided to leave college, the person I needed to talk to was my college boyfriend. I headed out the door and straight for Trent's dorm.
He should have been in his economics class. There was a sunny common room two doors down from his dorm room and I planned to wait there until he got back. It was always easy to hear when Trent was coming.
Only when I passed his door, I heard something that made my heart stop. A low moan tipped up to a tight, ragged sigh before settling back into heavy breathing.
His roommate? I wondered. I could not force myself to keep walking and stood rooted to the floor outside his door.
An unmistakable rhythm was building behind Trent's door and a duet of soft groans was getting louder. I prayed it was his roommate. Trent's roommate had a desk cluttered with photographs of his high school sweetheart. Maybe she was visiting.
"Ooo, Big T likes that, baby."
Trent's voice was heavy, but I heard it clearly. Before I could stop myself, I turned the handle and threw open the door.
My boyfriend was bent over, one knee on his twin bed, the other foot planted on the floor. Standing square behind him with his pants around his ankles was a short guy with black curly hair.
#
Trent's lover grabbed his pants but still tripped as he pushed away from my boyfriend. Trent dove onto the bed and rolled into the covers, but not before I saw he was completely naked.
"You're gay?" I asked, though it came out as more of a shout.
"Don't overreact, Quinn," Trent said. He stood up and wrapped the bedspread around his waist. "I think we can all be adults about this. John knows all about you."
"I know. I introduced you two!" I could not control the volume of my voice.
Trent shushed me as he dodged around and shut the door behind me. "Oh, yeah. I forgot about that."
"We're in the same nursing program," I said. "I introduced you at the mixer last month. Wait, how long has this been going on?"
John buckled his pants and pulled on his shirt. Then, he crossed his arms and looked at Trent. "I thought she knew about us."
"And that's supposed to make it okay?" I asked.
John shrugged. "Trent said you were cool with it. I thought you two had, like, an open relationship or something."
"Is that what you told him?" I asked Trent.
"Look, Quinn, I get it. I should have told you, but this is all kind of new for me," Trent tried to explain.
"What exactly is new for you?" I asked. "Being gay, cheating on your significant other, or getting caught?"
John smothered a laugh. "I like her. So, I'm going to get out of here."
"Wait, no," Trent said. He blocked the door. "Quinn, you're right. This is not how you should have found out. I meant to tell you. I meant to tell her, John. I really did hope everything I said would be true."
"What did he say?" I asked John.
"He said you were the best girlfriend he's ever had. Like a best friend, a perfect date, and a good kisser all wrapped up in one person," John said.