Sway gasps, but I keep going.
“Sean, the man I had on the town, had to kill a man about fifteen years after I left. Fifteen fucking years and those motherfuckers still thought I was out there. Sean got to this one before he could grab her, but that was the day that Emmy almost died. No one was the wiser, not a fucking one of you guys, because I made sure to keep the shadows from the brightness you all got to live in. That was the day I felt like I really died, knowing there would never be a time I could get close.”
“My heavens above,” he gasps, the tears coming back instantly.
“Spent every year since taking people out, some ordered and some not, to ensure that never happened. There isn’t a single one left but I can’t go back after all this time. At this point, I’m better off dead.”
“You are never better off dead. Not to me and not to them.”
“Yeah, Sway … I am.”
“Are there …” He gulps. “Are there still people watching?”
“Sean is still there, but he hasn’t reported seeing anyone in about six years. Not after I took out one of the largest crime networks in the nation. I hunted them all, Sway. Sean stayed because he made a life for himself in Hope Town, but he still keeps an eye because I asked him to never stop.”
“Then why can’t you come back?”
I drop my head and look at the floor. “There’s been too much time, Sway. Time for them to heal that would only cause pain if I came back now. For so long, it was because I couldn’t be sure there weren’t still people out there. Then it was because so much time passed while I picked them all off, it became too late. They aren’t just a group of men with nothing to lose anymore. From what I was told the one time I asked, you all have families.”
Something moves across his face that I can’t place, but whatever I saw, everything inside me screams to brace.
Fucking brace.
“Yes. We all have families.” He takes a second, then leans over to pat the chair I had left. “I think you need to sit down, honey love.”
“Shallow” by Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga
What a day.
I lean over the counter and place the last folded shirt of Riley’s on the kitchen island and think about how the morning had gone.
It was shocking, first thing this morning when Riley and I were headed out, not seeing the man who had been a daily constant for our walks. I had been so used to that routine we were creating, never once having him miss a day, that I hadn’t been able to shake the concern that hit me like a battering ram. It felt wrong seeing Evan standing there where Drew should have been.
Evan hadn’t given me anything, but he knew I was shocked when I saw him standing outside of my gate today and not Drew. I don’t like the feeling that I had when I looked out there and didn’t see our guy leaning against his normal perch in the alcove to the gated entryway. It felt wrong. Like I was missing something vital.
I asked, but he brushed my question off to focus on Riley instead. If she noticed anything was awry, she did a great job of hiding it.
He was polite, but what I saw working behind his eyes told me that I was right to worry.
Ever since that night I stood with Drew and he opened up some, we have been getting closer and closer. He hasn’t talked more about the family he lost. He started letting his guard down more and more, letting me see glimpses of him carefree.
What he hasn’t done, however, is missed a single day. He’s never ignored a text. He’s never not taken my call. His silence, while it’s something he gives everyone else, hasn’t been given back to me since he and I started growing closer. Since we became us.
Luckily, today was so busy I didn’t have a single moment to let my thoughts run away with me. I had been spending less time at Olde Mug than I normally would, and more time with Drew, so a busy day wasn’t surprising. It was welcome to keep my thoughts from overrunning me with fret and worry.
Once I got done with payroll, it seemed like I was putting out a million different fires all day. Great for not thinking about the man who’s stealing all your thoughts, but not so great when you know something is wrong with said man and you’re powerless to help.
“I don’t like this,” I whisper to the empty room.
I drop the last item I had folded into the basket full of her laundry and move over to where I left my bag earlier. I knew there wouldn’t be anything from him, but not seeing the screen light up without any calls or texts from him amped up my concern to a whole new level. I had tried, of course, to reach him. Before today, he didn’t ever ignore my calls. Another thing that makes me know something is wrong. My thumbs make quick work, and despite the hour, Ella’s response comes right away.
Me: Hey—you got a second?
Ella: How goes it, girlfriend?
Me: Are you busy? I need to run out, and Riley is sleeping.
Ella: I’ll be there in two shakes.
That’s my best friend for you. Never even questioning, always there when needed, and God, do I love her even more for it. She may act like she doesn’t care too much about anything, but I know better. She lives for Riley and is more of a sister to me than just a friend, if I’m being real.
Knowing I have at least twenty minutes before she arrives, I rush around gathering up the spilled items in my purse and dropping the laundry basket off on Riley’s dresser. I walk over to her bed and look down at her peaceful face. She was worried about Drew, too, but it does my heart good knowing that her youthful innocence will still allow her to stay somewhat ignorant to the real adult emotions around her.
With a kiss to her temple, I head to my room to put my shoes on so I can leave when Ella gets here.
My room feels nothing short of depressingly empty when I walk in. Not that Drew had been here often, but he was here often enough that my space was starting to feel wrong when he wasn’t in it.
Empty and cold.
Which was the complete antithesis to what my room should feel like.
When I moved in, I made sure the large space was as inviting as possible. One wall holds nothing but windows, then my bed across from it.
I drop my butt in the chair across from the large mirror and start to pull my tennis shoes on. When I glance at my reflection, it doesn’t take a mind reader to see the concern and worry written all over my face. My work clothes long since changed into yoga pants and a tight tank. My hair pulled into a bun on the top of my head and my face free of makeup. I never leave the house like this. I always make sure I’m put together. I always have, and I know it’s probably the one thing I did take from my childhood after I got out of that life.
People will judge you less, at least to your face, when you don’t give them something to tear apart. For me, it was to always give the best presentation of myself.
Right now, I couldn’t care less.
The color on my cheeks is the only thing that covers my pale skin. My eyes more mossy than their normal green because of the little crying fit I had earlier. I’ve always been one to cry when I get too overwhelmed with things, which thankfully tonight has given me enough color that I don’t look so pale.
I run my eyes down as I stand and take in the rest of me. He’s never seen me in something so tight. I mean, sure, he’s seen me naked, but never dressed with something that is more like a second skin. If it wasn’t for that nagging feeling in my gut telling me that he needs me, I would take the time to change.