I sat in meetings forcing myself not to fantasize about Cat. Once, I looked up thinking I had seen her pass the door. It wasn’t her. She was all the way across the country. She was still too close. I couldn’t concentrate.
I went from LA to Hawaii for Tom’s bachelor party. It was a whole weekend. There was a luau with a pig roasting on a spit and hula dancers and all the rum you could drink. We stayed in a private villa with a view of Diamondhead. We surfed, which was amazing. It was a source of pride for Tom to have found something I’d never done before—a champion surfer gave us lessons. Before long I was going down to the beach at dawn to practice. It felt so good to find that perfect spot where I balanced on the light board and could shift my weight to ride the waves. I wiped out a hundred times, slapped in the face by water as I tumbled off the board. The only time I was truly free of the warring regret and longing over Cat was when I was on the water. Even then, I missed her. I wanted to show her the view, see her try to surf and probably put me to shame at it out of sheer stubbornness.
I wanted to call her. I didn’t have her personal number that fact galled me. The only way to get it would be to contact HR at the company because she was an employee. As in, I was screwing around with someone who worked for me. I shook my head, refused to request her number. There were excellent sushi and a superior sake the last night. There were also hula dancers that stripped. Beautiful local dancers who took off their beads and bikini tops and grass skirts and danced. I stared at my sake, checked my email. I felt uncomfortable even looking at them. When I had to look up because Drew elbowed me, I looked at their knees. No strippers’ knees had ever been so stared at, knees and feet. A quick glance up and I was able to appear interested while watching their hair and occasionally their hands when they raised them above their heads.
Before long, everyone was up dancing with the strippers. Tom was doing body shots off one of them. Two of the board members, both in their heart attack years, were trying to do the limbo. Drew was twerking on one of the dancers in a way that made me want to whip out my phone and video it because it was hysterically bad. Of course, I didn’t because taking video at a bachelor party was a terrible idea. Especially when everyone went into the pool, naked strippers, executives in golf clothes and all. The groom came up with a flower between his teeth which had come off of a stripper
I went and refilled my sake, staying dry. I felt a hand on my shoulder and turned to see a soaking wet, naked stripper behind me.
“We could go back to your room,” she suggested with a sly smile. I shook my head.
“No thank you. I think I’m going to turn in now. I doubt they’ll notice I’m gone. Have a good evening.”
I returned and watched the news in my room, doing some work. When I got a text message, I glanced up. I didn’t know the number.
“I’ve missed you,” it said, “this is Cat.”
I had forgotten about giving her my private number. I held the phone, read the text over and over. Then I set the phone aside. It had been a mistake. To message her, to call her would be to make things worse so I sulked alone in my room in Hawaii while a wild bachelor party roared downstairs without me.
11
Cat
He was gone for days. Life went on. I worked. I went to yoga class and hung out with friends. I spent too much on a lingerie set in hopes that he’d see it soon. Then I caved and texted him. I had awakened early and was lying there at dawn, missing him so much. He never replied so he was ghosting me. The guy I had such a connection to, my college fantasy guy. He was done with me. I was still going to have to work with him. Admittedly, unless I tried to meet with him, I’d see his face more in the company newsletter than in real life, but it would hurt just the same. I had feelings for him, feelings that went beyond lust. It didn’t matter that we hadn’t known each other that long. We clicked in every way possible—the effervescent feeling of joy when we talked and teased, the unbelievable way we both reacted to our first kiss. It had seemed like we were meant to be. Until it didn’t.
So I went to work that Monday expecting exactly nothing. Instead, I found a latte on my desk with a note from him, asking me to come to his office. I was giddy about it. I rushed to the ladies' room and fixed my lipstick and my hair. I couldn’t wait to see him. The women in the elevator gave me side-eye because I was practically bouncing up and down with excitement. Shrugging, I indicated my latte, “These are so good. I’ve had NINE today and the caffeine isn’t even bothering me,” I said with a fake grin while they exchanged a look. Let them talk. I was going to see Brent.
When I reached Millie’s desk, she nodded, “Go right in.” I thanked her and breezed into his office.
I sailed across the room to greet him. My face was open and beaming at him as I reached for him and watched him take a step back.
“Caitlin,” he began.
My full name.
Shit.
“What?” I said, stepping back and taking a seat. This was going to hurt.
“What happened between us was a serious mistake. I deserve all the blame as both the senior staff and your ultimate supervisor.”
I tried not to let him see how badly his words stung. “You didn’t answer my text, Brent. I got the message. You don’t want me. If that’s all, I’d like to get back to work.”
I got to my feet and threw my latte in his trash untouched. It splattered up on the side of his desk, and I wasn’t sorry.
“You ruined a bachelor party for me,” he said as I was leaving.
“What? Did my text interrupt your keg stand and make you lose? Or were you licking something off a stripper and the text alert distracted you and you had to start over?”
“I kept thinking of you.”
“Then why didn’t you say something? Why didn’t you respond to my text? I spent the whole weekend thinking about how good you made me fell up against that wall over there.”
“I wish you wouldn’t say that. This isn’t appropriate. I made a serious mistake with you. I apologize, which is something I seldom do, but I was in the wrong, and I have done you harm. I should never have encouraged your interest or said and done the things I did. I take full responsibility for the way I’ve treated you as a new hire—“
“I don’t mind being discreet. If that’s the problem,” I said. I hated myself so much for saying it, but I also couldn’t leave that room without admitting it. Even though it felt craven, like pleading, I also felt strong because of the two of us, I was the only one brave enough to own up to how I felt.
“I like you that much,” I added.
Brent shook his head. “You deserve better than that. Better than this. The only answer is for us to see less of one another. Not to see one another at all. I’m sorry, Caitlin. I have done some things in my life that I should have done differently, but I can tell you this, I have never in my life said a harder goodbye than this.”
“That’s because you’re too stubborn to let yourself be happy. You’re looking at things on paper, not in real life. And I can tell you this, Brent Waltham. I’ve dreamed of you for years, and I never once believed you were a coward. But you are.”