He starts laughing. One of them grabs my arm and I wrench it free. The jolt makes Rosie start to cry.
“Leave us alone,” she wails and my heart breaks.
My heart breaks further when one of them reaches out to touch my breast. I don’t even know which one of them it is.
“Get away from us,” I shout.
Rosie cries harder, tears that shatter me from the inside out, screaming to me how much I failed as her mother.
“How about we give you twenty bucks to suck our cocks, and a biscuit for the little girl to shut her up,” Brent says and laughs out loud, completely off key. It’s evident he’s off his face. However, I know he would be the same if he wasn’t.
With force and courage, I push through past him and the other guy, barging into their shoulders so I can make my escape. An escape I only know is possible because they’re either too drunk or stoned to catch me.
Rosie is crying so much she starts to shake. I practically run to the elevator, and when we get to our floor I run again. Even when we get inside our apartment and I set Rosie down with a glass of chocolate milk to calm her, I still feel like I’m running.
Then I realize I am. My heart and my soul are still fleeing from hell.
After all I’m still there aren’t I? I’m still in hell.
Fuck. This isn’t going to end any time soon.
I’ll have to leave here the second I get paid. Pay Lev and leave. Fine somewhere and just go. It’s just a shame that I most likely won’t get the money I was hoping to get. The job at the club was a mission.
The bookings that enticed me. the lure to really change our lives up that gave me the push. I knew it would involve selling my body, but I was thinking of what I could do for my child.
I’m doing that now and I’m do it when I make my way to the office Louise shares with Mimi after my performance and I know tonight is another night when no one has booked me.
I want to find out want to find out what happened. In my time here the only person who’s booked me is Christian. I was told it was a given I’d be booked. I was almost assured it would happen and I sense something is off.
In a place like this, where sex sells, I’m not likely to believe that absolutely no one else besides him made a bid for me. Me the angel who’s supposed to represent purity in the tainted mouth of hell. I know how men think. The idea of breaking something pure and good is temptation for them. That’s the whole point of me.
Louise is here tonight. As usual she looks happy to see me, but she can tell straight away that I’m not my usual self.
“Hey there,” she greets me.
“Hi, do you have a second?” I ask.
“Of course,” she nods her head.
“Thank you. I just have a small question.”
“Fire away.” She straightens up.
“I wanted to just check on my bookings. I thought I would have been booked again by now, by someone else,” I say.
The uneasy look she gives me indicates that something’s wrong.
“Oh… yes. Well. Something changed last week, and I was told to close the bookings temporarily,” she explains, biting the inside of her lip.
My legs tremble and my knees turn to water. “What? What happened? Did I do something wrong?”
“No, God… no it wasn’t that,” she says then let’s out an exasperated sigh.
“What was it then, and why wasn’t I told?”
“Look, Lilly, we’re not really supposed to talk about that part of business with you. I know it sucks but the bookings are a bonus and I do as instructed. It’s temporary though, so I wouldn’t worry.”
It’s easy for her to say. She keeps saying we’re alike because we’re single moms, but there’s a massive difference between me and her. It’s evident in this moment as I ask why no one has paid to fuck me, and she’s talking about policy.
“Can you at least tell me why it happened?”
“Instructions from above, I’m afraid.”
“Above?” I ask weakly.
“Yeah as in an owner.”
I stare back at her, not quite comprehending what she’s saying because it doesn’t make sense. I was hired to do a job and I’m doing it. Mimi told me how great I was doing, and Louise just confirmed I haven’t done anything wrong. I know I haven’t. So, what was it then?
She said owner and the only owner who comes to mind is Christian.
“Christian… did he do this?” I ask. I doubt it would have been anybody else.
Why would they?
Why would he?
“Yes, but please don’t worry?”
Don’t worry? How am I supposed to not worry? Rage heats my blood and my throat closes. If I didn’t do something wrong, then the only thing that makes sense is he personally didn’t want me to have any bookings.
But that doesn’t make sense either since I haven’t seen him or heard from him.
“Is he here tonight?” I ask.
“No, I don’t know when he’ll be back on site. We just have to wait and see.”
“Is there someone else I can speak to?” God, the look of sympathy in her eyes makes me feel ashamed of myself. look at me begging for sex, wanting to take my disagreement higher.
“No. The owners have a policy. They don’t overrule each other.”
My lips part and I will myself not to cry. I can’t in front of her. Not so she can show me more pity.
“Okay…”
Deciding to preserve some ounce of dignity I leave.
I leave and stop by the balcony to catch my breath.
What the hell am I supposed to really do about this now?
Why did he stop me from being booked if he doesn’t want me?
This is some kind of game to him when this is my life I have to worry about.
As I think of the vile words Brent and his friends said to me, and once again in front of Rosie the tears come.
When I remember how scared she was and how hard she cried I feel like a complete failure. I couldn’t even succeed at selling my body.
One tear falls and then another that I can’t stop. I fail at that too.
Laughter fills the area and I look over my shoulder to see a bunch of women coming down the corridor. They’re waitresses here and part of the batch Louise warned me about who like Christian. There hasn’t been a kind one among them. Each has gone out of their way to give me filthy looks since I’ve been here.
They saw me with Christian and took an instant hatred toward me for it. I heard one of them drop the comment the other day that Christian must have gotten tired of me. She was supposed to be whispering to one of the other girls but she purposely said it loud enough so I would hear. That was just as I was leaving for the night.
I’m used to bitches like that from the dance world. They see me now and start whispering when they note I’m upset.
Instead of waiting for them to get closer and make me feel more like shit I leave. I take the back entrance and go down the stairs instead of the elevator.
It’s three floors down, but I’d rather go this way than have to either lose my shit in a fight or start crying in front of people who want to see me fall. I’m not exactly sure which I’d do.
Drying my tears, I rush down the stairs and out the door. The cool night breeze stings my cheeks but wakes me up a little. I’m on the furthest side of the parking lot. My car is on the other side.