Maybe if I was just an orphan. Maybe being a dirt-poor girl from out east would have been okay, if that had been the extent of my shame.
But the full picture was much worse. Randall and the abuse and the death and the investigation and Tim and the fleeing...
It was a circus – an absolute shit show. That was what I had to bring to the Hardick family table.
And as nice as they all were, none of them deserved to be associated with such an overtly disturbing history as mine.
I was a fucking pariah.
Murphy squirmed next to me, still deep in dreamland, and I pulled him close.
Murphy adored Penn, and I knew that the feeling was mutual.
Penn hadn’t even flinched at the idea of me being a mother.
He wanted a family. He’d said so, of course, but more importantly, I could clearly see the desire in his actions. He wasn’t playing.
When he’d raised his voice... Everything had gone black. Suddenly I was somewhere else getting yelled at by someone else and what happened next was going to be horrible, just as it always was.
Humans got upset. Humans raised their voices. That was normal.
I was just so conditioned to expect physical harm to follow any escalation in volume. I’d instantly been scared, and then enraged to feel that fear that I’d tried so hard to leave behind fill my body.
Penn wouldn’t hurt a fly. He was the type of person you could see purposely shooing a fly out of a window instead of squishing it, just because it seemed nicer, and killing any living thing seemed pointless.
I’d fucked up. Again. And if I didn’t stop – if I didn’t do exactly what Preston had said I would need to and come clean – I was going to lose Penn one way or the other.
There was only so much he’d be able to take, and only so many times that he’d be able to take it.
I love Penn. How that was possible in such a short period of time, I don’t know. But I do love him. The slip had been legitimate.
And hadn’t he slipped too? Or had it even been an accident at all? He’d outright said, “I love you.”
If we both loved each other, if I knew he only wanted to help – to protect me, why was I letting this happen? Why was I pushing him away so hard?
My past might send him running, but it might not. There was no way to know for certain until I told him. Everything.
And then Penn could decide for himself.
I stared at Murphy, his little face positively angelic in the morning light. Murphy deserved the world. Murphy was every bit as good as the Hardicks and anybody else.
Murphy was faultless in all of the madness that had surrounded his three years of life. Even if it was only for his sake, I had to try.
And it wasn’t only for his sake.
I showered, dressed, and drank a giant cup of black coffee. Soon, Murphy and I would go downstairs and open up shop.
Then I would call Penn.
After that, I truly don’t know what will happen.
“Really, Anne. It’s like you purposely want to break your own heart. You care about the boy. Let him in! You’re being silly!” Kate cried.
I’d given her a brief run-down of the previous day’s events (leaving out a few personal moments, of course), and she was positively horrified by how the night had ended.
It was sweet, in that I knew she wanted me to be happy and find love.
But it was obnoxious, considering she’d never done the same herself and didn’t have half the reasons to be so hesitant.
“Why don’t you date him, Kate? You’ve been heavily on his side since day one.”
That might have been the first time I snapped at Kate – ever.
Her brown eyes went wide. “Anne. You know I just want the best for you. You care about him. He’s a good guy. He cares about you. Of course I’m going to root for that!”
Immediately I felt awful.
“I know. I’m sorry. I’m just... frustrated.” I put a hand to my forehead, and Kate walked behind the counter to hug me solidly.
“Everything is going to be okay. You’re just going to have to decide if Penn is worth the trouble of letting your walls down. And I think you’ve already decided that he is.” She squeezed me, then turned to swoop Murphy up from his play spot.
“How about you make that phone call sooner rather than later?” She winked at me and carried Murphy with her into the backroom.
I stared at the phone on the counter.
I wasn’t sure I could do this. But I was going to do it anyway.
Penn answered on the first ring.
“Anne. Anne, I’m so sorry.”
“No,” I stopped him. “You didn’t do anything wrong, Penn. I did, and I’m sorry.”
“I’m sure you have your reasons,” Penn returned, his voice thick with sympathy. He is truly the kindest soul I’ve ever met.
“I do. But... I think it’s time I talked to you about that. About those reasons. Those things. Why I am the way that I am.” I couldn’t believe the words that were coming out of my mouth.
I had sworn to myself... no guys. No guys. No guys. Safety and Murphy and nothing else.
But I hadn’t foreseen someone like Penn Hardick walking into my life.
And I knew for certain that I didn’t want to see him walk back out.
“Okay. So let’s talk.” Penn sounded nervous, but ready.
“Not on the phone. It’s... too much for the phone.” I couldn’t imagine getting out all of this history of information on a phone call.
“Okay, so come out here,” he suggested, a hint of pleading in his voice.
I shook my head. “No. You might not even want me there after we talk. After you know... everything.”
“Okay... you want me to come to your place?” I could hear Penn’s tone growing anxious. I pictured his troubled blue eyes and perfect lips and rugged jawline...
Focus.
“Yes. Tonight. We close at six... So maybe, like seven? Just come up to my apartment.”
My beautiful, magnificent one-bed, one-bath dream home.
“Yes. Okay. Absolutely. I’ll be there. And... Anne?” Penn spoke softly.
“Yeah?”
“I’m really, really glad you called.”
I smiled. “Me too.”
“And I’m super glad you asked me out on a date.” He chuckles.
“Ugh. You. I’ll see you tonight.” I rolled my eyes and ended the call. Then I laughed. I laughed hard.
The day couldn’t have possibly moved along any slower. Kate knew Penn was coming to “talk” later that evening, but that was all she knew. I couldn’t bring myself to talk about it anymore.
Instead, I passed the day second by agonizing second, trying to plan out what I would say. How I would start.
Where do you start?
I didn’t know. I just knew that I had to, and I would.
By the end of this day there wasn’t going to be a single thing about me that Penn Hardick was not aware of.
At six, I zoomed Murphy and I up to my apartment. I wanted to freshen up. Smelling like sawdust and motor oil was fine, but not for this kind of evening.
Murphy watched me inquisitively while I did my makeup and attempted to brush through my hair. I gave him a smile and a wink. “Mommy’s gotta play nice tonight.”