For so long, I’ve been confused over that moment. Wondering if it was all in my head. If it was one-sided. If I’d imagined the troubled boy with the piercing blue eyes and messy blond hair. And when I figured it out, and I realized who he was, I wondered if he’d been a part of it.
Hearing his confession soothes me.
I know we’re enemies. That this changes nothing. But, in this moment, there are no walls between us. There is only truth. And he’s just proven, at one time, he cared for me.
Enough to suffer a beating.
To keep this a secret from his best friends.
“You should’ve told us that night during spring break,” Theo says, his words carrying accusation.
“Why? Because it would’ve changed anything?” Saint radiates frustration and anger.
“Because it might’ve helped put things in perspective,” Caz states, sighing and sinking back into the couch.
Galen sits back down, burying his head in his hands. He’s always known I’m the girl who was kidnapped, so I’m not exactly sure why he’s reacting so emotionally. Who kidnapped and tortured me didn’t change the outcome, and he hasn’t shown me much sympathy until now.
That guy is such a fucking mystery. One I hope to figure out sometime if only to gain some type of understanding or closure.
“The Sainthood has always been about protecting kids,” Galen says, spearing Saint with a tormented look. “Or at least, that’s what I’ve always thought.”
A muscle pops in Saint’s jaw, and he looks off into space.
“Why would they do this to…Harlow?” He almost whispers my name. “This was before Sinner was prez, so the order must not have come from him.”
I snort, lifting my shirt up at the hem, pointing at the circular-shaped puckered marks on my stomach. “Your precious Sinner did that to me. He removed the blindfold and made me watch his face. He laughed while he stubbed his cigarette out on my flesh. His eyes were manic. His pleasure obvious. Trust me, he was definitely the one in control.”
For years, I refused to think back to those last few hours because the pain was so unbearable. I did such a good job of blanking it out that I’d forgotten I’d seen his face. When I figured things out, and I pulled up photos of The Sainthood members, I picked him out almost instantly.
Galen’s nostrils flare, Theo clenches his fists, and Caz gulps.
Theo jumps up. “This is such fucking crap!” He throws his hands in the air. “All of it!” He puts his face right up in Saint’s. “We had a right to know. This is not unconnected. It can’t be.”
“None of us know that,” Saint says, maintaining a cool tone. “And I said nothing because Sinner reminded me it was to remain a secret.” He looks mildly apologetic as he meets my eyes.
“That is fucking bullshit, and you know it!” Theo screams in Saint’s face, grabbing a fistful of his shirt. You could hear a pin drop in the room. “It’s all a fucking lie, isn’t it? I knew Lo wouldn’t do that.”
Saint shoves Theo away, jumping up and squaring up to him. “It’s possible we don’t know everything, and you need to watch your mouth.”
I stand. “What’s a lie? What do you think I’ve done?”
“Stay out of this,” Saint barks, and it’s clear our little trip down memory lane is over.
“Like hell I will! This is everything to do with me!” I scream.
“It’s Sainthood business that doesn’t concern you.”
“Then, I’m done talking.” Tonight’s been a lot to process, and I need to retreat and assess everything. I swipe another beer and head toward the stairs.
Saint calls out to me as I walk away. “Neo can’t know.”
I spin around. “Why? He’ll kidnap and torture me again?”
He walks calmly toward me. “That was child’s play, princess.” He tips my chin up with one long finger. “And trust me, you don’t want to know what it’s like to be on the receiving end of Dad’s punishment as an adult.”
CHAPTER 24
I AVOID THE kitchen the following morning, forgoing breakfast, and drive to pick up Sariah on an empty stomach. We stop off at our favorite diner, ordering coffee and doughnuts to go.
I park outside the front of the school building, cranking up the heater in the Lexus as we eat while I bring my bestie up to speed.
“What do you think is going on?” She props her feet up on the dash, blowing on her coffee.
“I’m not sure, but it’s obviously something to do with the way they’ve been treating me. Sinner has asked something of them.”
“And the revelation that The Sainthood were the ones who kidnapped you has them questioning shit?”
I shrug, stuffing the last bit of glazed chocolate doughnut in my mouth. I chew quickly, pondering it all again. “It seems that way. Even Galen looked thrown although I’m sure that won’t last.” I sip my coffee. “Theo was the biggest surprise. He blew up at Saint.”
“He still cares about you.”
“If that’s true, why did he cut me off like I meant nothing to him? His reaction could be all part of the play.”
“Maybe you should’ve let him in last night.” I explained how Theo spent a half hour outside my bedroom door after the confrontation in the basement, begging me to let him in so we could talk.
“I’m feeling a little out of my depth,” I truthfully admit, eyeballing my bestie and putting words to the emotion festering inside me.
“How so?”
I lean my head back, sighing, wondering how to articulate this. I sigh again, turning my head to the side so I’m facing her. “They’re making me feel things, Sar. Things that scare me.”
She analyzes my face, not saying anything for a few seconds. She clears her throat before speaking. “You know how much I hate The Sainthood for what they did to my family. I know your guys weren’t directly involved in that, but the organization they’re members of was responsible. I don’t need proof to confirm what I know in here.” She thumps her chest, right over the place where her heart is. “I also know how dangerous they are, and I’ve seen the shit they’ve pulled on you.”
“But?” I ask, sensing there’s one coming.
“But I see it too. They’re coaxing you back to life.” She takes my hands in hers. “I know why you work so hard to keep your emotions on lockdown. Why you protect your heart. Why you’re so guarded about who you let into your life. I understand it all. And maybe, if I hadn’t met Sean and I didn’t know what it’s like to be in love, I would feel differently about this. Truth is, I want you to open your heart, Lo. I want you to allow yourself to feel because you’re only living half a life if you shut emotions and people out.”
“I can’t trust them, Sar. They have an agenda, and this is all part of it.”
“Probably, but you’re smart as fuck, Lo. And you’re playing them at their own game and winning. Feeling something isn’t bad as long as you are in control of it.”
I twist around. “That’s the thing, babe. I’m afraid if I get sucked in deeper I won’t be able to control it. And I’m afraid of—” I bite down on my lip.