“Besides,” he adds. “It rains there for most of the winter, so we’ll feel right at home.”
“I don’t care if it rains the whole time. It will be warm rain.” Then I clap my hands together. “Ooooh, we can go see all the places where they filmed Jurassic Park!”
“That’s why I picked it.”
Our food arrives, and we finish it—and the wine—in record time. The portions were small, so I’m not stuffed, which only leaves room for dessert. I made Dex promise to not let them sing me happy birthday, so thankfully when the crème brulee comes, there’s no embarrassing fanfare.
Then, as we wait for our after-dinner drinks, Dex puts out his hand and asks me to dance. I noticed that he’d stopped by the DJ on the way to the restroom earlier, so when he exchanges a nod with him while leading me to the dance floor, I’m not at all surprised when the familiar beat of “Enjoy the Silence” by Depeche Mode starts up.
While the other people dancing aren’t sure what to do with the song, Dex does. He pulls me right up to him, one arm tight around my waist, in a slow dance with a lively pace. He’s such a good dancer that I just let him lead me around, finding it easy to match his moves when I just let myself go.
“All I ever wanted,” he sings to me, his voice matching the deep timbre of David Gahan’s voice like magic, “all I ever needed, is here, in my arms.”
My body erupts in goosebumps, my stomach tingling as the depth of his perfect voice runs through me. I’m tempted to take Martin Gore’s high harmony, but I don’t want to ruin the velvet perfection that is Dex’s singing voice.
Besides, it’s so fucking romantic. I close my eyes and rest my head against his chest, breathing in the scent of the man I love, letting the beat of a song I love move us together, synched in time.
And that’s when I find it rising up from deep inside me, almost like a song I can’t keep buried.
“Dex,” I whisper to him, wrapping my hands around his neck, staring up at him with so much emotion that I think I might just break into a million pieces. “I want to have a baby.”
His brows raise. Eyes go wide. He blinks.
“What?” he says, licking his lips, our movements slowing to a stop in the middle of the dance floor.
I swallow, trying to keep everything in check. God, I didn’t think it would be this scary. The lyrics “words are very unnecessary” has me thinking twice as it plays out across the room.
I look away but Dex is fast, his fingers at my chin, raising my face, making my eyes meet his. “What did you just say?” he says softly as he stares at me with wild eyes. His fingers at my chin tremble slightly.
“I think I’m ready…” I begin. “No, I know I’m ready. I want to start a family. With you. Obviously. I want to have your babies.”
My lord. Why the hell did all of this sound okay in my head but the moment I open my mouth to actually tell him, I sound like a total idiot?
“This is probably coming out all wrong,” I quickly add. “I’m sorry.”
“All wrong?” Dex finally manages to say. We’re still stopped in the middle of the dance floor, and he’s still searching my eyes like a man on a mission. His hands slide back along my face, disappearing into my hair as he holds me in place. “Perry, please tell me that you mean everything you’re saying, because I’m about to take it to fucking heart. And when I take it to heart, it’s going to stay there.”
I give him a sweet smile. “I mean everything I’m saying. I would like you to knock me up.”
He stares at me incredulously for a moment before he bursts out laughing, his eyes watering, his smile so wide that it makes me feel breathless. “I don’t even know what to say. I don’t.”
“Say yes? Yes I want to knock you up?”
He laughs again, leaning in, resting his forehead against mine. “I can’t believe you want this. Do you really want this? I’ve been trying not to pressure you—I know that it’s a difficult topic for us and—”
“You didn’t pressure me,” I say quickly. “Not even a little. You’ve always given me plenty of space to come to my own decisions and…this is what I want, Dex. This is all I want, really. You and me and a baby. I want us to be a family. I want a little version of us to love.”
He’s still staring at me in awe but now something else is coming over him. His lower lip starts to tremble, his eyes about to spill over with tears.
Oh my god.
I can barely breathe as he looks away, pressing his fist against his mouth, his eyes pinching shut as tears spill down.
Oh no. Oh fucking no.
I’ve made him cry.
“Dex,” I say softly, putting my hand to his cheek, wiping away his tears with my thumb.
“I’m okay,” he manages to say, meeting my eyes. He gives me a smile that’s both embarrassed and joyous. It’s rare to see Dex cry, and it’s even rarer to see him embarrassed. “I’m good.”
“You’re crying,” I tell him. “You sure you’re okay?”
He nods, letting out a soft laugh full of awe and disbelief. “We need to get out of here,” he says, looking around the room. He grabs my hand and pulls me past the other tables until we’re leaving the restaurant like we’re fleeing the scene of a crime. I guess the only crime here is Dex having some pretty big emotions.
“What about the bill?” I ask as we grab our coats and head outside.
“They have our room number,” he says, pulling me along in a hurry down the cold, fog-strewn path to our cabin. I feel like I’m operating on pure adrenaline, my insides feeling as light and fuzzy as champagne, a sense of wonder and unknown in the air. It’s electric.
We get to our door and Dex tries desperately to get the key card to work.
“You sure you’re okay? You’re not mad? Or upset?” I ask him.
He pauses to look up at me like I’ve lost my mind. “Mad? Upset?” He comes right up to me, grabbing my face, manic eyes searching mine. “Perry. This is all I’ve ever wanted. Not just a family to call my own, a family to love, but a family with you. I fucking love you with every cell of my being and this…I can’t even process how badly I want to give you children. How much I want, need to be a father.”
He kisses me deep, so deep that I feel it in my soul, his mouth tasting like tears.
He quickly pulls away. “But if I don’t get this fucking door open, I’m going to end up screwing you right out here.”
I laugh as he frantically tries the key card again. “You know I still have an IUD. I need to get that taken out before we can start trying.” I pull my room key from my pocket and lean over him, sliding it in. The light goes green, the door beeping open.
“There’s no harm in practicing,” he practically growls.
He kicks the door open wide and grabs me, pulling me inside.
Dex is a fucking tsunami.
Before I can get my bearings, he’s slamming the door shut and then pressing me up against it, overwhelming me in every possible way. His hands tear at my clothes in rough desperation, his mouth open and seeking as he devours my shoulders, my neck, my jaw, my lips.
I’m caught in his undertow. I can barely keep up, my fingers clawing at his shirt, trying to undo the buttons with shaking hands. I end up popping the last few, the buttons scattering across the carpet.