“I know,” I manage to say, smoothing her hair off her forehead. I eye the bitemark on her neck. I hate that it turns me on, like I’ve left my permanent mark there. I guess a wedding band isn’t enough. “I got carried away.”
She nods slowly, her eyes resting on my mouth, my nose, searching the corners of my face, like she can’t really believe it’s me. “I didn’t mind,” she says softly. She swallows, nostrils flaring. “I can’t remember the last time I came that hard.”
I give her a wry smile. “Gee, thanks.”
“I can’t remember the last time you came like that either,” she says. “Something changed.”
“Nothing changed,” I tell her quickly.
But, of course something has.
It’s what we’re about to do tomorrow.
It’s that step into the past.
Into the unknown.
Into the fear.
And if I wasn’t afraid of spooking her, I’d probably tell her my theory.
That sex heals me, it’s a balm on the wounds I bury deep.
It quiets the chaos of my mind.
And it strengthens that bond between us when we’re going to need it most.
“Well, that was one hell of an anniversary present,” she says, as if that was to blame.
And then I realize fuck, I never bought her an anniversary gift. I thought that having a romantic night somewhere would be enough, but of course that’s not enough, you always get the wife something else nice as an extra. And now we’re not even going to the beach at all. Instead we’re going to be re-enacting scenes from Beetlejuice with her sister and the Cheeto-head.
Dex, you fucking tool. Worst husband of the year award, right here.
Oh well. At least there was the orgasm.
I pull out and roll off of her, also aware that the chances of her sister and father hearing us were quite high.
I think from the way she’s sitting up, looking sheepish, she’s thinking the same thing.
“If anyone asks, we’ll just tell them we had to battle the closet monsters again,” I tell her, slipping on my briefs. I toss her her bra and sweater.
“Dex, don’t talk about that,” she warns me, eyes darting to the closet.
“Hey, that’s all done with. You know that.”
But for how long? Her voice whispers softly in my head.
I guess we’ll see.
The next day rolls around in harmony with Halloween. The morning is foggy and dark gray, with trails of mist moving through the fir trees outside the window in the kitchen.
I’m sitting at the table, mainlining coffee, along with Ada and Perry.
The two of them are quiet as they pick at their breakfast, then they occasionally look at each other in either surprise or annoyance, which makes me think they might be having a conversation in their heads. Either way, I’m not about to get involved in their sisterly business, which seems more and more complicated by the day. Judging by the way Perry is keeping her hair wrapped around the bite mark I left on her, Ada is probably giving her shit about that.
Honestly, I’m in my own world, trapped in my own head. My thoughts are bouncing back and forth on a loop, as it happens sometimes. I have good days and bad days, and some days the medication isn’t enough, I need extra coffee to power through. Or a cigarette. Fuck, I would kill for a cigarette.
I keep thinking about two things.
One is the sex I had last night, because I’m nothing if not on-brand.
And two is what we’re about to do tonight.
As for the sex, I’m not sure what exactly came over me, but I have a feeling that it won’t be a one-time thing. There’s something in my blood that runs hot, saturating my veins like smoke, that pulls at me. Pulls me back to those same feelings from last night. The lust. The insatiable wild necessity. Like some primal, lizard-brained part of me is waking up for the first time in a long time and it only has one need.
And that’s to fuck.
It’s not some vague feeling either. It’s specific in its want.
It’s focus is solely for the woman sitting across from me, biting into a piece of toast, her eyes going to the window and taking in the rolling fingers of fog.
That’s who I want.
More than anything.
And I know I have her…I know I do. That’s the funny thing about all of this. Perry is mine and always will be. She’s wearing a ruby and topaz ring on her left hand, the ring I gave her. The ring that symbolizes our marriage, just as the band on my finger does.
So she’s mine, I know she’s mine.
Then why do I feel…I need to keep her?
With a desperation I hadn’t felt in years?
And why does this desperation make me feel so fucking alive?
Which brings my brain back to the other thing I’m obsessing over.
Tonight.
The reason why I have goosebumps all over my body already.
Why the hair on the back of my neck is already raised, like whatever we’re about to do has already started, just by our own intentions.
Plus, I have a hard-on.
I’m a fucking mess of a man.
“Are you okay?” Ada asks me.
I glance over at her, wondering what she’s picking up on.
I give her a quick smile, adjusting myself. “I’m fine.”
She studies me, suspicious as always, then has a sip of her coffee before glancing at Perry.
Perry is still staring out the window, oblivious to either me or Ada.
“Then stop looking at her like that,” Ada says.
My brows raise. “Pardon? Stop looking at my wife?”
“Yeah. It’s weird. You’re looking at her like she’s food.”
“Food?” I pause. “What kind of food?”
Ada rolls her eyes. “Look, I just want things to go smoothly tonight, and it’s quite obvious that you’re just rolling with your feelings right now.”
“I’m not rolling with anything,” I counter. “I’m just…getting prepared.”
Don’t tell me she can hear thoughts too now.
But while I’m talking with Ada, I notice Perry hasn’t said a word. She’s still staring out the window.
“Perry?” I say softly, trying to not look at her like a fucking Big Mac or whatever the fuck food Ada was talking about.
She still doesn’t look at me.
Finally I reach across the table and take her hand.
She blinks, jolted back into reality and looks at me in surprise.
“God. Sorry, I…” She shakes her head and looks at the both of us. “I was daydreaming. There are these birds out there. They’re so strange…”
I follow Perry’s gaze out the window, across the lawn to the towering maple trees on the other side of the road. I don’t know how I didn’t notice it before, considering the branches are mostly bare, with a few patches of orange leaves hanging on, but there’s a giant flock of tiny birds that keep taking off and landing on the trees.
The birds take off as one, like a black cape, swirling and twirling up into the air and then swoop back down, covering the trees. They stay there for a moment, chirping and bouncing along the branches, before they do it again. A blot in the sky.
Leave as one.
Land as one.
A chill runs down my spine.
I twist in my seat to look at Ada and Perry.