“About you being brave and strong,” he explained. “You risk a lot when you use your gift.”
“I don’t think I’ve risked enough,” I admitted. “I couldn’t help Vikter. I was too…overwhelmed. Maybe if I wasn’t fighting it so much, I would’ve at least taken his pain.”
“But you took Airrick’s. You helped him.” He dipped his head, and his brow kissed mine. “You are utterly nothing like I expected.”
“You keep saying that. What did you expect?”
“I honestly don’t know anymore.”
My eyes closed, discovering that I liked this closeness. I liked being…touched when it was my choice.
“Poppy?”
I also liked the way he said my name. “Yes?”
He touched my cheek with his fingers. “I hope you realize that no matter what anyone has ever told you, you are more worthy than anyone I’ve ever met.”
My heart squeezed in the best way. “You haven’t met enough people, then.”
“I have met too many.” He lifted his chin, kissing my forehead. He leaned back, sliding his thumb along my jaw. “You deserve so much more than what awaits you.”
I should.
My eyes opened.
I really should.
I wasn’t a bad person. Under the veil and behind my title and my gift, I was like anyone else. But I was never treated as such. As Hawke had pointed out before, every privilege everyone else had was something I couldn’t even earn. And I was…
I was so damn tired of it.
Hawke drew back, his voice heavy as he said, “Thank you for trusting me with this.”
Unable to answer, I was too caught up in what was happening within me because something was shifting, changing. Something enormous and yet also small. My heart started pumping as if I’d just been fighting for my life, and…dear gods, that’s what I was doing. Right now. Fighting not for my life but to be able to live it. That was what was clicking into place inside me.
Maiden or not, good or bad, Chosen or forsaken, I deserved to live and to exist without being cloistered by rules I never agreed to.
I looked at Hawke, really looked at him, and what I saw went beyond the physical. He’d always been different with me, and he never tried to stop me. From the night on the Rise to the Blood Forest when he’d thrown me the sword, he didn’t only protect me. He believed in me and respected my need to defend myself. And like he’d said before, it was as if we’d known each other for ages. He…he understood me, and I thought I might understand him. Because he was brave and strong, and he felt and thought deeply. He’d suffered losses and survived and continued to do so even with the agony I knew he carried with him. He accepted me.
And I trusted him with my life.
With everything.
“You shouldn’t look at me like that.” His voice had thickened.
“Like what?”
“You know exactly how you’re looking at me.” He closed his eyes. “Actually, you might not, and that’s why I should leave.”
“How am I looking at you, Hawke?”
His eyes opened. “Like I don’t deserve to be looked at. Not by you.”
“Not true,” I told him.
“I wish that was the case. Gods, I do. I need to leave.” He rose and backed up, his stare lingering. I didn’t think he wanted to leave at all. He took a deep breath. “Goodnight, Poppy.”
I watched him start for the door, his name on the tip of my tongue. I didn’t want him to leave. I didn’t want to spend tonight alone. I didn’t want him to believe that he wasn’t deserving.
What I wanted was to live.
What I wanted was him.
“Hawke?”
He stopped but didn’t turn.
My heart was racing once more. “Will you…will you stay with me tonight?”
Chapter 33
Hawke didn’t respond, and I wasn’t sure if he’d even taken a breath, reminding me of the night of the Rite with us under the willow. That memory didn’t bring with it the sharp stab of pain.
Then he spoke. “I want nothing more than that, but I don’t think you realize what will happen if I stay.”
I felt a little dizzy. “What would happen?”
He turned then, his stare piercing. “There is no way I could be in that bed with you and not be all over you in ten seconds flat. We wouldn’t even make it to the bed before that happened. I know my limitations. I know that I’m not a good enough man to remember my duty and yours or that I’m so incredibly unworthy of you it should be a sin. Even knowing that, there is no way I wouldn’t strip that robe from you and do exactly what I told you I’d do when we were in the forest.”
Heat swept through me as I stared at him. “I know.”
He sucked in a sharp breath. “Do you?”
I nodded.
Hawke took a step away from the door. “I’m not just going to hold you. I won’t stop at kissing you. My fingers won’t be the only thing inside you. My need for you is far too great, Poppy. If I stay, you will not walk out this door the Maiden.”
I shivered at the bluntness of his words. They weren’t a shock, but his need was. I didn’t see myself as someone who could be the object of something so fierce. I’d never been allowed to.
“I know,” I repeated.
He took one more step toward me. “Do you truly, Poppy?”
I did.
And it was strange to know myself and be so certain when I’d spent so long not knowing myself—never really being allowed to discover who I was, what I might like or dislike, what I’d want or need. But I knew now.
I had known the moment I asked him to stay. I knew what the consequences could be. I knew what I was, and what was expected of me, and I knew I could no longer be that. It wasn’t what I wanted in life. It had never been my choice.
But this…this I wanted.
Hawke was who I wanted.
This was my choice.
I was reclaiming my life, and it had started long before him. When I demanded to be taught how to fight, and when I made Vikter include me when he went out to help the cursed. Those were significant steps, but there had been smaller ones along the way. In a way, they were even more important. I’d been changing, evolving just like the gift I was forbidden to wield but remained determined to use. It was in every adventure and risk I took. It was in my desire to experience what I’d been told was not for me.
That was why I’d initially stayed in the room at the Red Pearl with Hawke.
It was the way I’d met the Duke’s stare and smiled at him when I’d been unveiled.
It was when I’d spoke to Loren for the first time, and when I went out to the Rise. My evolution kept me quiet as the Duke delivered his lessons, and when I sliced Lord Mazeen’s arm and hand and head from his body, I’d been cutting through the chains I never chose to wear. I just hadn’t realized it then. There were so many little steps over the years and especially in recent weeks. I didn’t know when it had finally happened, but I knew one thing for certain.
Hawke wasn’t the catalyst.
He was the reward.
I lifted my surprisingly steady hands to the sash. I didn’t look away as I undid the knot. The robe parted and then slipped over my shoulders. I let it puddle at my feet.