“No, I mean half-twits,” said Whiska.
“That doesn’t make any sense,” I replied (stupidly, given who I was talking to).
“None of you is smart enough to be a full twit—you’re all half a twit. Half-twit.”
“That’s not a…never mind. Let’s just get out of the way.” I motioned to the others as I took refuge behind a rocky outcropping that looked solid enough to withstand the blowback from whatever Whiska had in mind.
Whiska closed her eyes and concentrated for a moment before pointing her staff at the door, uttering arcane syllables, and unleashing an absurdly large and insanely bright energy bolt.
We’d all been staring at Whiska when she cast her spell, which meant that none of us could see for several minutes. When the spots finally cleared from our vision, there stood the rock, utterly untouched. If it’s possible for a rock to laugh mockingly, this one was doing just that.
“Did you hear that?” asked Nadi, sword at the ready as she looked around.
“Hear what? The rock laughing at us?” asked Rummy.
“I thought I heard it too,” I said.
“Don’t be ridiculous, you refuse-refusing rejects!” For some reason, Whiska enjoyed chiding us for not wanting to eat garbage. I was okay with accepting that insult. “Rocks can’t laugh!”
“Some of them can,” said a gravelly voice that seemed to come from everywhere and nowhere at once.
When something unexpected happens, most people freeze. There are two reasons, as near as I can tell, for that reaction: one is to give your brain time to process what is happening, and the other is to stay put so that you don’t put yourself in harm’s way. That’s exactly what we did, though Whiska also belched.
“Some of them can do more than just laugh—they can talk, too,” continued the voice. “Obviously.”
I was staring directly at the massive boulder that blocked the entrance to the mountain and saw a very slight movement on the rock face. “Wait—was that a mouth?”
“What do you mean?” asked Nadi.
I pointed. “There—I’m pretty sure I just saw a mouth. On the rock. Great. It’s a talking rock. An immovable talking rock.”
“So is Borg,” said Rummy.
“You,” I said, addressing the giant rock, “what’s the deal? How do we get past you?”
“But you only just got here,” replied the rock, its mouth now even more visible. Two craggy eyes appeared above the mouth, and an outcropping in the form of a nose pushed its way out as well. Far more disturbing were the caterpillar-like eyebrows that popped out. “Why are you in such a hurry to leave?”
We drew together closely so we could confer without the rock hearing us, though we indicated to Borg that he could remain where he stood astride his mess. “Anyone ever seen one of these things before?” I asked.
“Nope,” replied Rummy jovially. “But, we do have a rock giant with us. I think we should ask him.”
I ignored Rummy. “Whiska?”
“Nope.”
“Nadi?”
She shook her head. “This is new for me, too.”
“Let’s ask Borg,” said Rummy.
“What do we do?” I asked.
“I think Rummy thinks we should ask Borg,” said Nadi.
“I’m right here, you know,” said Rummy.
“Might not be the worst idea,” I replied.
“I also…look like…a rock,” called Borg, stepping away from his pile at last.
“Hey, giant rock,” I yelled—I’m not sure why I yelled; I mean, we were right next to the thing—“do you know our friend Borg? Over there? His full name is Borgunder Gunderbor. He’s a rock giant.”
“I am a magical talking rock,” replied the rock in its gravelly voice. “It’s ridiculous that you’d assume, because we share superficially craggy features, we might know each other.” The rock’s gaze slid over to Borg. “He is very handsome, though.”
“We meant no offense,” said Nadi.
“Some of us did,” interjected Whiska.
“Not helping,” said Nadi. “We seek passage, um, through you. Around you?”
“You are…handsome too,” said Borg, coming to stand behind Nadi.
“I’ve never actually seen myself,” replied the rock, “but I appreciate that. No one’s ever told me that before.”
“Borg’s right,” I said, “you’re probably the handsomest rock I’ve ever seen.”
“But not the stupidest,” replied the rock. “Flattery will not get you past me.”
“Then how do we get past you?” asked Nadi.
“By answering my riddle,” said the rock.
Nadi looked at me and shrugged. “Tell us your riddle, then.”
“It’s nothing personal, you know,” said the rock.
“What do you mean?” asked Rummy.
“Not letting you pass—it’s an enchantment. No matter how much I might want to, I can’t roll aside unless someone solves my riddle.”
“Who created the enchantment?” Rummy seemed genuinely curious.
“I don’t know,” replied the rock.
“Seriously?” I asked. “I feel like I’d pay attention to anyone who was enchanting me.” I looked around. “Which none of you are, incidentally.” Sometimes you have to take the easy shots. “Except maybe Rocky here.” I winked at the rock.
It didn’t seem to notice as it raised its eyebrows in what was the visual equivalent of a shrug. “I was not always conscious. I spent eons weathering the storms in silence before I gained sentience…well, I think I spent eons. Given that I wasn’t aware, I suppose it could have been longer. Or shorter.”
“The riddle?” prompted Nadi.
“Yes, yes,” said the rock. “I forget that creatures with such short lifespans are always in a hurry. It would be nice to make some small talk once in a while, you know. I don’t often get company.”
“The riddle,” said Nadi again, more forcefully.
The rock’s eyes slid over to look at Borg. “She’s a tough one, isn’t she? Not to mention very impatient. Is she mean, too?”
“Please?” asked Nadi, her tone softening slightly.
“Very well,” rumbled the rock. “I will present you with my riddle.”
“Yes, she…is,” said Borg.
“What?” asked the rock.
“He’s a little slow,” said Rummy. He turned to Borg. “Try to keep up, big guy.”
“I’m not mean!” said Nadi.
“Tough, but not…mean,” said Borg, almost at the same time.
“If you all don’t shut up and let the giant talking rock speak, I’m going to stab each and every one of you in the throat.” The comment, perhaps surprisingly (even to me), came from me and not Whiska.
“That’s the first intelligent thing you’ve ever said,” replied Whiska with an approving nod.
“She’s kind of mean,” offered Rummy, gesturing toward yours truly. One glare shut down further comment.