“And so modest,” replied the dragon.
“She really is,” added Rummy.
“Let’s not forget beautiful. She’s stunningly beautiful,” I said. I looked at Rummy. “Are you done? I’m trying to save our lives here.”
“I’m done,” said Rummy agreeably. “You’re doing a great job so far. Keep it up. I feel like this thing could turn on us at any minute.”
“You know I can hear you, right?” said the dragon.
“Oh, yes, of course,” said Rummy, nodding. “It would be rude to whisper so that you couldn’t hear us.”
“My point is,” I cut in, trying to wrestle back control of the conversation, “you probably prefer when you can get things you want without trying too hard, right?”
“I think that’s true of anyone who’s reasonable,” replied the dragon.
“And you’re reasonable,” I said.
“I like to think so,” said Melvin. “The corpses of a lot of adventurers might disagree.” He gestured to the treasure pile on which he sat. I squinted to look at it more closely. It definitely contained the bleached bones of humanoid creatures. So many bones.
“Well, I’m not sure those corpses can actually disagree, technically,” I replied, “unless, of course, they’re undead, but that’s beside the point. The actual point is that you’re reasonable and we’re reasonable, and there’s probably some way we can reasonably help each other.”
“My way of helping you, I assume, being to not burn you to a crisp?” asked the dragon.
“That would be a good start,” I responded with a nod.
“And give us treasure!” shouted Whiska.
The dragon puffed out a bit of steam, which shut Whiska up, but didn’t deter her from repeatedly picking up the same handful of glinting gold coins and gleefully letting them run through her fingers.
“So, you like vegetables,” I said.
“Very much,” replied the dragon. “In fact, they’re all I eat. I’m a vegetabletarian.”
“You mean vegetarian,” said Rummy helpfully.
Melvin shook his head. “No, vegetarians don’t eat meat, but they do eat things other than vegetables. I only eat vegetables.”
“Seriously?” asked Nadi. “You must need to eat them by the wagonload if that’s all you eat.”
“How can you not like meat?” asked Whiska, seeming offended as she produced a piece of lizard jerky from somewhere (I don’t want to know where) and tore off a bite.
The dragon looked disgusted. “I just think it’s cruel to eat something that’s less intelligent than you, though I suppose that’s less of a problem for you.”
“So you would eat another dragon?” replied Whiska, unfazed.
“I…hmmm. Well, that’s a fair riposte. My statement was intended to simultaneously insult you and suggest how far beneath me you truly are, but you’ve trapped me with my own words. No, I would not eat another dragon. I’m a strict vegetabletarian. I will amend my statement: I think it’s cruel to eat something that’s less or equally intelligent.”
“What about something that’s more intelligent?” countered Whiska.
“Nothing is more intelligent than a dragon—and no, there are no dragons more intelligent than I.”
“So, you’re trying to tell me you’re the smartest being in the world?” Whiska’s tone was skeptical. I wanted to strangle her.
“It would be intellectually foolish for me to answer in the affirmative, as I haven’t met every creature in the world, but I am reasonably certain that’s the case, yes.”
“We believe you,” I cut in, giving Whiska a look that she returned by daintily pretending to brush something off her shoulder, which I knew to be an obscene Ratarian gesture meant to suggest I stick my head someplace very uncomfortable.
“I am...the smartest…rock giant I…know,” said Borg.
“I believe it,” said Rummy, patting Borg on the arm. “You’ve got brainpower to spare.”
I cleared my throat, glared at Rummy and Borg, and continued. “Anyway, Melvin, you’re a smart guy and—”
“I’m not a ‘guy’ as you so informally put it. I am a female.”
“Named Melvin?” I responded without thinking.
“Yes.”
“Oh. I, uh, see. That’s…yeah. That’s interesting.” I’d lost my train of thought.
“It’s a common female dragon name.”
“I’m not saying it’s not,” I replied.
“It was also my mother’s name.”
“Well, that’s great—family names are a great tradition.”
“And her mother’s name before her.”
“Got it—so, sorry about that. You’re a smart, ah, a smart woman.”
“Melvin is a…boy’s name,” said Borg.
“Not in this case, big guy,” said Rummy. He handed Borg a coin from the mound of treasure at his feet. “Look—shiny.”
Borg took the coin and looked at it. I gave Rummy a grateful nod.
“I can’t imagine,” I resumed, “that it’s all that easy getting vegetables into this place, especially if you’re getting them all the way from Skendrick. First of all, it’s not really that close, even as fast as you can fly. Second, I’ve seen their farms—they’re not very impressive. And, they grow more grain than vegetables.”
“That’s true,” the dragon concurred.
“Sooner or later, they’re going to get competent adventurers to come after you.”
“Hey!” said Nadi.
I shrugged. “Just being honest—look, you guys have got potential, but you know that Ms. Melvin here would have consumed you all before you so much as cracked one of her scales, right? And that she still could?”
“Hey!” This time, it was Whiska. “That lightning bolt I hit him—it, her, whatever—with did some major damage. You know that hurt!”
“It did,” conceded the dragon. “It doesn’t now. It was akin to a bee sting for a human.” She smiled at Whiska. “Or perhaps a flea bite, in your case.”
“You dirty, stinking, slimy mountain of useless reptile flesh!” Whiska raised her staff. “I’m going to turn you into a puddle of red goop and then drink you!”
“That’s a really weird thing to say,” said Rummy. “And probably unwise.”
“I think,” I said, grabbing Whiska’s arm and pulling it down, “that we can all agree that it was unwise. And weird, yeah, come to think of it—did you just threaten to drink her?”
“It’s the ultimate sign of disrespect in Ratarian society.” Whiska looked at me as though I was the only one in the world who didn’t know that fact.
“Well, I don’t think it’s necessarily a good idea to go flinging around the ultimate sign of disrespect to a creature that could eat you.” I looked at the dragon, who was staring at Whiska. “And who looks very much like she wants to. Right now. So, shut up.”