I could tell from his tight shoulders and clipped tone that he disagreed. “You don’t want me to fight,” I said, not a question.
Heaving a heavy breath, he shook his head. “You’re young. You’re inexperienced. Yes, you’ve trained hard, and you’ve come a long way. But if you do this, you’ll be facing creatures with decades, even centuries, of experience. It’s dangerous.”
“Lucifer wants me,” I said.
Gideon nodded.
“He is coming for me.”
Another nod.
“Whether I choose to fight or not, I’ll be pulled into the battle. I don’t think I have a choice.”
With a grunt, Gideon’s fingers circled the back of my neck and squeezed. “You always have a choice!”
“The war is coming, Gideon, whether we want it to or not. I can’t run from it.” I reached out and straightened the cuff of his sleeve. “This needs to end, and I need to be the one to end it.”
“Why you?” he demanded, almost to himself.
“Because I’m the one that can,” I said. It sounded rather arrogant, and I cringed. “Not alone. I’m nothing without you, without Jai and Noel. I’m not some savior of the world, but Lucifer thinks I am. And maybe that’s enough to make a difference. Maybe belief is enough.
“He’ll hunt me. He’ll never stop. Do you really want that hanging over our heads for eternity? And how can I ignore that?” I leaned over and rested my forehead against his shoulder. “Enough people have died. If I can stop it, if there’s even a chance I can help, then it would be selfish and cruel for me to do nothing.”
Gideon pressed his nose into my hair and inhaled. “I fear for you,” he confessed in a whisper. “We can’t lose you. I can’t lose you.”
“I’m scared too. I don’t want to be lost. I don’t want to ever be separated from you again.” I swallowed the tightness in my throat. “But I’m not weak. I can help, Gideon. This wasn’t my war, not at first. But it is now.”
As I lifted my head, red flooded my vision. “They took from me. My mother. My… Abram. They took Beau and Bethany and Sharon and Blue and—” A tear tracked down my cheek and I wondered briefly if it was red too. “They took my wings, Gideon. They made me hurt. They made me kill.” A sob caught in my throat. “And they made me like it.”
He yanked me into a close embrace, and I buried my face in his neck. The position was awkward and uncomfortable. His leg dug into my stomach as his fingers clenched around the back of my neck. But I clung to him all the same.
“You are the most precious thing I have, and I can’t protect you if you put yourself in danger,” he said hoarsely.
I said, “Maybe you don’t need to. I’m not weak. I can fight. For you, for Jai and Noel, for our family and our friends, I will fight. Will you fight with me?”
His lips pressed to my head, and he huffed. “For you, darling, I would do anything. You know that.”
“Thank you.” I kissed his throat, fingers tangling in his shirt. “I’m scared, okay? I am. But I can’t walk away from this. Lucifer made it my fight, and I have to see it through.”
“More than you know, I understand. But you still have a ways to go before you’re able to fight. You’ve been through a lot—”
I pulled abruptly out of his embrace, and he grudgingly let me go. “I’m stronger now than I ever was. I can fight.”
“Fighting is more than handling a sword.” Gideon propped his elbows on his knees. “You have to be in a healthy mental place, or you’ll become a liability.”
My eyes narrowed. “What did you tell the Council?”
His eyes were guarded, and he set his shoulders like he was gearing up for a fight. “I told them you’re not ready to train, not mentally.”
Try as I might, I couldn’t stop my vision from flickering red. “What?”
“The things you experienced in Purgatory have affected you, Riley. You can’t argue that. And until you deal with the trauma, you—”
“If you’re talking about a shrink—”
He interrupted me. “There’s nothing wrong with asking for help. It doesn’t make you weak or crazy.” I snorted, and he scowled. “Do you think Noel is crazy?”
I balked at the accusation. “No!”
“Do you think he’s weak or pathetic?”
“I would never think that, and you know it.” I growled the words.
“Then why do you hold yourself to a different standard?” The question stole the words from my mouth, and I curled inward. Gideon sighed. “I know your experience with mental health doctors has not been positive. But that does not mean seeking mental health help is wrong. If you were sick, you would go to the doctor. This is no different.”
“It is different, and you know it. You tell people you see a therapist, and the first thing they think is, ‘what’s wrong with you?’ I’m not sick. I’m not dying. I’m fine.”
“Bullshit.”
I glared. He glared back. My hands shook.
“No, you’re not dying. But you wouldn’t ignore a physical illness just because it wasn’t life-threatening. It’s about quality of life. It’s about safety and well-being. Is this really what you want for your future? Being angry all the time? And what happens when it escalates?” He was leaning forward now, and I recoiled automatically. “What happens when it moves past temper tantrums and broken mirrors? What happens when you lose control entirely and blast Jai across the room? Or attack Noel? Could you live with yourself knowing you painted his skin black and blue the way Malachi did?”
“I would never—”
“No, you wouldn’t. But trauma does terrible things to people. It warps us into beings we never thought we could become. And it festers, like a poison. It will rot you and then infect the ones closest to you until there’s nothing but pain and anger and bitterness.” His expression softened marginally as he cupped my face, swiping at the tear trickling down my cheek. “You experienced horrific things. We know that you experienced horrific things, whether you tell us about it or not. Pretending otherwise doesn’t help anyone.
“You can keep the secrets lodged deep inside, but it doesn’t erase the past. What happened is done; we can’t change it. But we can decide how we move forward. I’d like to move forward together, holding your hand, instead of dragging you kicking and screaming.”
A watery laugh scraped my throat. “I don’t want to be left behind.”
“Then come with us. Come with me. We’ll face it together, okay? You don’t have to do this alone.” His stare bored into me, X-raying my soul until I was bare and naked before him.
“O-Okay.”
He sighed in relief, and our foreheads met. His hands on my face were warm.
“Will you come with me?” I whispered the request. “Like, when I have to talk to the therapist? Will you come too?”
“Is that what you want?” Gideon had barely finished the question before I was nodding. “Okay. Just me?”
“Jai and Noel can come too. I just… there’s things I want to tell you, but I just don’t know how. And maybe, if you all are there, then I only have to say it once. And then you’ll all know. And maybe it’d be better that way.” I searched his gaze. “I just don’t want to do it alone.”