For one heart-stopping moment, I truly believed he’d left me. Which was shameful because Noel would never leave me so raw and broken without putting me back together again.
Instantly, he reappeared in front of me, the obstruction between us gone. And I was in his arms, and I was crying. And he was crying.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. We should have been there sooner. We should have found you faster.” He sobbed out the words. “I love you, and I’ll never let you go. I’ll never let them take you. They’ll never hurt you again.
“Forgive me. Please, I hate this. I’m sorry. Forgive me!”
And I kissed him. It was wet. It tasted like salt and hurt and rage, but then it was honey and lilac. His breath hitched, his tears mixing with mine on our cheeks. But I kissed him again and again, until he was breathless.
Before I even realized it, I was pushing him backward. The back of his knees hit the bed, and he fell, dragging me with him. Sprawled atop him, I kissed him hard. Because I was furious. Because I was demolished. Because he was breaking my heart even as he knitted it back together again.
“I’ll always protect you,” I said against his lips. “Even when it hurts me. Even when it makes you angry. Even when it makes you hate me. I will protect you. Not because you’re weak or because you need me to. But because I can’t not. Because not protecting you isn’t an option. Because I love you with everything I am and everything I have, and I don’t know how else to love you!”
His fingers dug into my scalp, and our mouths crashed together. Our teeth clacked, and my lip stung. I tasted blood—his or mine, I didn’t know for sure. I didn’t stop, and I didn’t slow.
He rolled us over until he straddled my hips, and I moaned when he ground his butt on my erection. How I was equal parts infuriated and aroused, I couldn’t say. But it sharpened every sensation, and I grasped at his slick skin. I feared I’d bruise him from how hard I grabbed his hips, but when I loosened my grip, he growled and bit my lip.
“Don’t you fucking dare!” he practically snarled. “This is angry, make-up sex. Don’t you back down on me now.”
Something primal roared in my head, and I latched onto his neck and sucked. Hard. If he wanted marks, he’d get them. I’d cover him with my fingerprints and bruise his skin with my teeth. Then everyone would know who he belonged to. He was mine!
Noel moaned. God, he moaned, and I needed him to make that sound again and again. I would spend the rest of eternity ensuring he always made that sound for me. Only for me.
I didn’t know when Noel had retrieved the oil, but his hand on me was slick. Pleasure zapped through me, and I gasped. His tongue invaded my open mouth, and I sucked on that too. His hand on me stuttered, then quickened.
“Touch me,” he pleaded. “Riley, I need—”
“Okay. Okay.” I reached for his straining erection, but he stopped me.
Shaking his head, he pulled me up until I sat straight. He hovered above my lap, knees sinking into the mattress on either side of my hips. Our erections brushed, his dry and desperate, mine slicked with oil. Then he guided my hand back, placing it on the curve of his butt.
“Touch me, Riley.” His eyes were sparkling starbursts of violent purple, and my heart hiccupped in my chest.
“I don’t—”
“Yes, you do.” With a wiggle, he encouraged my fingers between his cheeks. “I want this. I want you inside me. I want this first with you, if you’re willing to give it to me.”
And what could I possibly say to that?
Finally, I settled on, “Are you sure?” Because I knew what this could cost him. After everything that had been stolen from him, he had to be certain.
“Yes,” he said. Then he kissed me.
It was gentle this time. He tasted me slowly, savoring me, and I cupped his face with my palm. He was so much taller than me, and a part of me hated that he had to curl himself in my lap to make this work. If only I was bigger or stronger, if I was manlier, this would make sense.
But I was just Riley. I was small and skinny and inexperienced. I wanted to be the man he needed, but I didn’t think I ever could be. Because he deserved more. He deserved to be worshipped.
The kiss broke, and I pressed my face into his neck to hide my insecurity. Fumbling with the oil, I tried to remember what Jai had said last night, but my brain wasn’t working right. Noel was stroking my shaft, and I couldn’t think.
“It’s okay,” he whispered in my ear, ever in tune with me. “I love you. Every part of you.”
“Even the parts who don’t know how to do this?” I asked against his collarbone.
He laughed. “Especially those parts. It’s not a test, Riley. It’s just us.”
“I want it to be good for you.” I blushed as Noel directed me out of the safety of his neck.
“Being with you is good, regardless of the mechanics,” he said, nudging my nose with his. “Now stop overthinking and worrying. Just be here, right now, in this moment. With me.”
My stomach fluttered with nerves, and my brain ran through every scenario where I ruined any and all future sexual encounters. But then I read the adoration in his gaze, and my heart calmed. Even if I messed up, Noel would still love me.
“Okay.”
His smile was bright as sunshine, and I kissed it off his face as I finally managed to remove the lid from the vial of oil. I poured too much into my hand, and it dripped onto my stomach and his thigh. He snickered.
“There can never be too much lube,” he teased, nibbling on my ear.
“You’re distracting me,” I huffed, smearing oil everywhere. “Oh my God, this is so messy.”
With a joyous laugh, Noel flopped onto the mattress, bringing me with him until I was lying between his legs. His hair splayed over the sheets, his cheeks pink with desire. I was struck mute by his beauty, and I had to take a second to commit every single thing about this moment to memory.
“You’re so beautiful,” I said as I carefully slipped my fingers between his legs.
“You make me feel beautiful,” he said, his eyes drifting shut as I circled his hole with my thumb. “Not too fast, okay?”
I eased the pressure. “Yeah, okay. Right.”
I didn’t go too fast. I probably could have gone faster because, like last night, Noel grew impatient. But I didn’t want to hurt him. So I took my time.
With three fingers pumping wet inside him, I searched for that spongy spot. I found it, and Noel’s hips jerked.
“Shores of Elysium,” Noel cried. “If you don’t get inside me, I’m making this angry sex again.”
A near-hysterical giggle bubbled past my lips as I carefully removed my fingers. “Sorry.”
As I sat back on my heels, Noel propped himself up on one elbow and used his other hand to add more oil to my erection. Something tickled the back of my mind, and I grabbed his wrist. He stopped and waited.
“Um, should we, uh, use a condom?”
Jai had used one the first time. Now that I thought about it, I wasn’t sure why. Angels didn’t contract or transmit diseases, and I’d never been with anyone before them. And I obviously wasn’t going to get pregnant. But it seemed irresponsible not to address the possible need for one.