I could barely focus anymore. The pain was just too great, the strength of it tearing into my body at breakneck speed. Ethan took me into his arms and started shouting orders at people to get out of the way, but I was too out of it to concentrate on his words. Then it all became too much. I couldn’t handle a single second more of this agony.
My eyes fell shut and blackness took over.
21.
Tegan
Birdsong twittered in my ears and the scent of flowers and freshly cut grass filled my nose. It would be pleasant if it weren’t for the lingering scent of anti-septic. It was hard to open my eyes, but when I finally managed to pry my lids apart I found myself in a clean, sparsely furnished space, sort of like a hospital room.
I was hooked up to an IV machine, and I winced at the tubes stuck into my arms. I tried to sit up, but a heady sense of weakness overcame me and I had to lie back down again for a minute. The events that happened before I passed out rushed through my head. How long had I been out for?
And oh, God.
What happened to my baby?
I ran my hand down my abdomen, the rounded bump no longer there. Pulling the pale white sheets off my body, I looked down at the loose nightdress I was wearing. I lifted it to reveal my stomach, and there were no signs of stretch marks, no signs of pregnancy at all. A terrible swell of loss made my throat clog with tears.
Where was Ethan?
The pain I felt at the party was gone completely. I managed to summon up enough strength to pull the IV from my arms, climb out of bed, and walk to the open window. There were pretty lawns outside with a few people sitting on benches or walking the grounds. Farther away I spotted an entrance gate, over which hung a big stone sign proclaiming the name of wherever the hell I was, but I was too far away to make out what it said.
I startled when a knock sounded on the door, and a middle-aged woman dressed in an orderly’s uniform stepped inside.
“Ah, you’re awake,” she said, frowning when she saw the tears running down my face.
“Where is Ethan? Who brought me here?” I asked frantically, my heart racing.
“Please, calm down,” the woman urged. “You don’t want to go upsetting yourself.”
“Where is Ethan?” I repeated. “Where’s my baby?”
“I have no idea who you’re talking about, Miss, but if you would just get back into bed …”
“I’m not getting back into bed until somebody explains where I am!” I shouted.
“You’re in St. Frances’ Psychiatric Hospital,” she answered. “Now please, at least sit. You shouldn’t have removed the IV. Just look at the mess you’ve made.”
I narrowed my eyes at her. “Psychiatric hospital?”
“That’s right. You’ve been here for quite a while,” she said as though I was stupid not to already know this.
Suddenly, my head hurt, a terrible ache pulsing in my skull. I put my hands to my temples and sat down on the threadbare armchair by the window. What the hell was going on? Why was I in a freaking psychiatric hospital? And where the hell was everyone? I wanted to ask the orderly more questions, but the pain in my head was too much.
Everything started to feel strange, and weird ideas took shape in my head. Like, was this reality and whatever I thought my life had been up until now just a dream? Grief swelled in my chest, and I started to cry again. The orderly looked at me uncomfortably, said she was going to get some cleaning supplies, and left the room.
This couldn’t be real.
I couldn’t have lost everything. Or did I even have it to begin with? Were all the vampires, witches, and warlocks just a figment of my imagination? Did I somehow go mad with grief after Matthew committed suicide and get admitted to this place?
No. Everyone was too vivid for me to have made them all up. I could see their faces, remember the way they smelled, the little nuances they each possessed. My brain might be a colourful place, but it wasn’t that colourful. But then I started to think about how much Rita resembled my sassy side, and how Finn and I had almost the exact same sense of humour, the way Gabriel reminded me of how sometimes I could be terribly shy, and I wondered in horror, did I make them all up?
The idea that it could be true, that I was just some madwoman in a psychiatric hospital made me feel like the walls were closing in on me. I had to get out. My heart hurt. I stood on wobbly legs and left the room. Walking through the long hall, a few other patients watched me go by, but they didn’t try to stop me. Nobody stopped me.
When I found a side exit, I pushed open the door and allowed the fresh air to wash over my face, and I felt the sunlight caressing my skin. I stepped out onto the grass and felt like I could breathe again as the cool blades of grass tickled the soles of my feet. The grounds of the hospital were vast, so I kept walking, feeling like if I walked far enough, I’d be able to escape my brain and the awful things it was trying to make me believe.
Two older men were sitting on either side of a wooden picnic table playing chess. I stood still for a long time, just watching them make their moves and chat about nothing important. Then my gaze was drawn farther afield, to a bench in the distance where a man sat alone. His hair was blond, and the sun glinted off it, making it seem as though it was sparkling.
Hope caught in my lungs.
My feet were moving of their own accord now, and the tears from before started up again, but for a whole new reason this time. I stopped several feet away as the man lifted his arms, and in his hands was a baby girl with blonde hair, a shade lighter than his. She couldn’t be more than a couple of weeks old.
She let out a little gurgling sound when he lifted her, and he laughed as he lowered her back down onto his lap. He cradled her in his arms, rocking her back and forth, and I stood there transfixed, unable to move. I took a step, and he froze, his head turning slightly to the side.
His voice was full of affection when he called, “I was wondering when you were going to wake up.”
My legs wouldn’t hold me up anymore, and I fell to my knees. I was wrong. It wasn’t all a dream. It was real. There was once a time when I would have wished for vampires and magic to be a dream, but not now. Now my heart belonged to the world I discovered, and I wouldn’t survive if it was taken away from me. More importantly, my heart belonged to the man sitting on the bench four feet away and the baby he held in his arms.
Ethan stood and walked to me. I stared at my hands, unable to look at him. He tipped my chin up so that my teary eyes met his.
“I believe you two have yet to meet,” he said, holding my baby girl out to me.
From the very moment I laid eyes on her, I knew she was mine. I felt it like butterflies under my skin. I took her in and was met with big, bottomless blue eyes, and perhaps it was the sheer emotion of the moment, but I laughed and cried at the same time.
“She’s so beautiful,” I whispered, afraid to touch her in case she broke.
“Just like her mother,” Ethan said, shifting her into one arm so that he could help me off the ground and lead me over to sit on the bench. He placed her in my arms, and a wave of emotion washed over me. She felt so small and delicate.
How could someone so breakable be destined to become a ruler?
“She doesn’t have my blood,” I realised suddenly. I didn’t get the same feeling from her that I got from Rebecca.