He shrugged. “We can play it by ear, do what feels right. I just hope you don’t regret what happened. It would suck if things got weird between us.”
Rowena laughed. “All we did was masturbate. I’ve listened to countless soldiers nutting since I joined Prince Alastor’s service.”
Maybe that was meant to reassure him—that this was no big deal in her eyes—but it only pissed him off. His mood plummeted, slicing clean through the endorphins. He’d never done anything like this before, and it felt like she was shrugging and moving on. Yet there was no reason for her not to, so…
“Good to know,” he muttered.
Life changing for me, business as usual for her.
Well, at least he was pissed at someone besides Pru for a change. That constituted progress, right? Morosely he followed her through the market, back toward the shitty alcove where they crashed.
Rowena stopped so suddenly that he almost slammed into her from behind. She stepped into a niche that lent them a modicum of privacy. “I can tell that you didn’t like my reply, but I don’t know why.”
“You compared what happened today with anonymous guys jerking off near you in a shared tent when you were on a forced march. Is there anything I’d like about that?”
“Oh.” She bit her lip, seeming to realize why he might be aggro over this.
“That’s not even consensual, just something they’re doing in your vicinity. I asked, Ro. You participated. It’s not remotely the same.”
“You’re right. It’s not. I was trying to make you feel like it wasn’t a big deal but—”
“It was, though,” he interrupted.
“What?”
“A big deal. You think I routinely let people order me around? That I eat pussy like a professional on demand? In my whole life, I’ve had one sex partner. One. Today, I tripled that number, and then you told me it was nothing. So excuse me if I’m bent out of shape. I don’t do this. I haven’t.”
“Then why did you?”
“I don’t know!” he yelled. “It’s a copout to say ‘because it’s you’ but that’s all I’ve got. I wanted to please you. I still do.”
Her eyes widened, shock rendering her adorable. “Wow. Okay. Since we’re leveling with each other, before today, I’ve had one partner too.”
The bastard, Tycho Vega? But from what he’d gleaned that wasn’t consensual. Nothing about that situation had been her choice. Everything was forced on her. Everything. Oh shit. Finally, Slay thought he had the dots connected and now he wanted to set the picture on fire.
Deliberately he took a step closer. “I get it. You’re saying that you’re a virgin.”
“No, I—”
“You’ve never taken a lover.”
Ridiculously it sent a thrill through him that what they’d done was as unfamiliar for her as it had been for him. He’d had enough of feeling like he needed to catch up. With her, whatever happened next, they’d figure it out together.
Rowena let out a slow breath, seeming to understand what he meant. “Yeah. Normally I have…issues being touched. Last night was a weird exception.”
An obvious solution popped into Slay’s head, and his mouth ran with it. “You could tie me up. Be completely in control.”
“I…” Judging from her expression, she had a deeply conflicted reaction to that suggestion. “Am not sure that would work. And wouldn’t you be scared?”
“Of you? Never. Plus, even if you have a mean streak, I—”
“Seriously? I would never hurt you! I can tell you with a thousand percent assurance that I’m not into pain. Not yours. Not mine.” Briefly she looked like she was about to kick him in the shins, her expression softened. “But…maybe…it truly wouldn’t bother you to be helpless, subject to my every whim?”
Slay’s grin was probably crooked, but it appeared nonetheless. “Based on what I learnt about myself today, I predict I’d be into it, as long as you’re tying the knots. Honestly, I’m more invested in helping you feel safe.”
“I do feel safe with you,” she confessed quietly.
Just like that, his bad mood dissolved. Vega had done hideous things to Rowena—to the point that she didn’t like being touched—and yeah, he had noticed the way she flinched when Hettie hugged her. But she hadn’t recoiled when he caught her yesterday. And she didn’t cower away last night either.
There’s something here.
At this point, Slay didn’t know what it was, and they still had a rebellion to incite, but if he could help her recover fully? That would be so fucking worthwhile.
“That’s the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me,” he said, only half joking.
Rowena blinked at him. “I would’ve thought that everyone in Ash Valley feels that way. You were the second in command, after all.”
He sighed. “That was…I was Dom’s best friend. I didn’t earn that position by being competent or thoughtful or even particularly well regarded. After Dom took off, I spent three years slogging uphill against the popular sentiment that I’m too much of a thick hothead to be in charge—that I was one smart-ass comment away from starting some shit with the other holds. It was…” Exhausting. Heartbreaking. Disheartening.
And not once had Pru ever said, Don’t worry. I believe in you. You can do this.
Which was why he’d sent her to fetch Dom in the first place. Her quiet worry ate away at him, and other people eroded his self-confidence further until even Slay thought he was about to wreck everything with his incompetence. He had been desperate when he begged Pru to bring Dominic back before the conclave. In hindsight, hell yeah, he should’ve gone with her.
But I didn’t. Can’t unring that bell. No matter how I brood over it, it’s done. She’s never coming back. Not even if I beg.
And he had.
“Then rise here,” Rowena said unexpectedly.
“What?” Slay had lost the thread of what they were talking about, neck deep in a stagnant lake of old futility and self-loathing, sinking fast.
“Prove yourself here. We’re not old friends, though I have hopes for our future. Right now we’re allies who could be more and I see the potential for greatness in you.”
His eyes stung so fucking bad. He came all the way to the undercity in Golgerra to hear someone say that about him. The hothead. The general fuckup.
“Thanks,” he whispered.
“For what?”
“Making me feel like I’m worth something after all.”
Rowena drew in a sharp breath and then she touched him. Now he knew what a big damn deal it was, so he held still, reveling in the soft warmth of her hand on his arm. And God, that spot might as well be glowing because all his nerves lit up at the same time. What would it be like if she ever decided to tie him up and touch him all over? His cock jerked, ready to volunteer for service.
“Don’t ever doubt it,” she said.
She seemed to gain confidence when she realized he wasn’t stirring and she raised both hands to frame his face like she meant to kiss him. From what he knew about her history, that wouldn’t happen, but he rejoiced in her getting this far.