She brought clothes and Emma is supposed to as well, so we can give each other a live and in-person fit check on our first day of school looks.
Tori’s already trying on stuff when Emma walks into my room, her attitude breezy as she tosses a shopping bag onto my bed.
“I only brought one outfit,” she says.
I frown. “Why?”
“Marcus and I were on FaceTime last night and he helped me pick my outfit.” Her smile is full of confidence. “We’re basically back together.”
“Oh my God, that’s so exciting!” Tori jumps up and down, clad only in jeans and a bra. She gushes as per usual, asking all of the proper questions while Emma answers her with the haughty casualness of someone who’s very comfortable in her current position.
In other words, Emma thinks she’s got Marcus exactly where she wants him, which is probably true. I have no idea what it feels like, to have that much confidence when it comes to relationships with boys. Even when I was with Jonah, I was always a little nervous and unsure. Worried I might do something dumb.
I remain quiet as Emma goes on about Marcus. The way she talks about him, I’m guessing they had sex at Bayshore Saturday night. Not like she’s flat-out giving Tori vivid details, but she’s alluding to it. The minute Tori starts talking about Dom and what’s going on between them, I can tell Emma’s tuning her out.
I love my best friend, but sometimes she can be selfish. Like now. If we’re not talking about her and her latest relationship, she doesn’t care what anyone else has to say about their life.
And that kind of sucks.
“I heard a rumor,” Emma declares, once Tori’s tried on a variety of shirts and has finally decided on one. “About you.”
I turn to face her when I realize she’s talking about me. “What did you hear?”
“That you and Liam have been talking a lot lately.”
My gaze finds Tori’s real quick—she appears ready to burst, like she can’t contain what I told her earlier—before I return my attention to Emma. “We’ve been texting, yeah.”
I purposely keep my voice calm. Level. Like it’s no big deal.
Really, it’s not a big deal—not to me.
“Marcus told me Liam really likes you,” Emma continues.
She sounds like we’re in the sixth grade and just discovered boys.
“We’ve been texting over the last few days,” I admit.
“I’ve heard.” She smirks at Tori, who laughs extra loud, making me wince.
I withhold the sigh that wants to escape and check out my outfit in the full-length mirror in my room. I’m wearing mom jeans and a tight-fitting black top that’s cropped, but my jeans are so high waisted, only a sliver of skin is revealed. Hopefully I won’t get dress-coded.
“Your outfit is so cute. Love the jeans. Are you trying to impress Liam?” Emma asks as she walks up behind me, looking at my outfit in the mirror.
“Just trying to find an outfit I feel confident in for the first day of school tomorrow.” I’m being honest right now. I don’t care what anyone else thinks of my outfit.
I’m just doing this for me.
“Rumor has it Liam is going to ask you to wear his jersey for next week’s game,” Emma says.
“Oh my gosh, I didn’t even think of that. I hope Dom asks me. Then we’ll all be able to wear jerseys on Friday together! All three of us!” Tori starts bouncing up and down again, clapping her hands like an overexcited seal. I can’t help but laugh, though Emma seems annoyed.
It’s customary for football players to ask the girl they’re interested in/dating to wear their jersey on game day. It’s a big deal for girls to walk around the halls at school, flaunting their boy’s number on their chest. I can’t deny that it’s kind of a big deal, and something I’ve always wanted to do but…
It’s not Liam’s number I want to wear.
God, why did Beck still have to be with Sasha?
I hear a notification come through on my phone, so I check it and see a text.
Liam: Ready for school tomorrow?
Me: I guess so. How about you?
Liam: For sure. I’m there pretty much every day thanks to football practice so I’m used to it.
Me: I’m there every day for volleyball practice so same.
Liam: I always forget you’re on the volleyball team.
Hmm, that’s kind of annoying. Volleyball is important to me.
Me: We have a real shot at being league champions and even going to states.
He doesn’t respond and I go about my business, shedding my clothes and pulling my tank and shorts back on. Emma and Tori do the same and I realize we got together to “pick out outfits” just as an excuse to hang out.
One last night together before we’re seniors in high school. Our last year together before we go our separate ways.
Our last shot at being a kid. To enjoy all of those things you only experience in high school. Football games and rallies and dances. Being goofy with your friends you’ve known forever. Crushing on boys and partying all night at Bayshore and falling in love for the first time.
High school is a time for plenty of firsts. Some I’ve experienced.
Some I haven’t.
Some I’d prefer to experience with a certain someone, but he belongs to someone else. Still.
And from the way things are looking…
I’m not sure if it’s ever going to happen.
SIX
BECK
It’s not easy, breaking up with someone. When I broke up with Cadence McWilliams in the eighth grade, she cried before I could barely get the words out. Literally burst into tears when I told her one day after school that I didn’t think we should be together anymore.
That was tough.
She bad-mouthed me to all of her friends—to anyone who would listen to her, and that made me so mad, I decided to avoid girls for a while. Who needed them when you’ve got your friends, video games and football?
I sort of went out with a girl our sophomore year. We texted a lot. She asked me to the Sadie Hawkins dance, and, of course, I said yes. We had fun that night, but we sort of drifted apart after that. All of my friends were getting with girls, some of them having sex or at least taking things pretty far, but not me.
I didn’t get it. What was wrong with me that I couldn’t get a girlfriend? Some of them could barely approach me. Others were too forward—like Monique—and I wasn’t interested. Still others treated me like just a friend.
Addie, for instance. A guy can be friend-zoned only so many times. I figured that’s all she wanted so I left her alone. I left girls alone in general.
Until the beginning of my junior year when Sasha Rodriguez was in my environmental science class. We sat at the same table and started talking—a lot. In the beginning, I was clueless. Then one of my friends told me she liked me and I couldn’t believe it. Sasha Rodriguez was the most popular girl in school, and a year older. What could she see in me?
Apparently something because we started hanging out together more and more until it turned into a full-fledged relationship. Being with Sasha at first was weird. Our conversations weren’t very deep. She laughed a lot. Sometimes too much. Like, why did she feel the need to do that? But then I’d shut up her laughing by kissing her, and that worked.