“I want you to be my first.”
He still couldn’t believe that she’d come right out and said that to him…and he hadn’t said anything. Well, that wasn’t strictly true. He’d told her that he was attracted to her, but that was about it.
For the past two days, he’d thought about every possible outcome in this situation and none of them were good. What was he supposed to say to her?
I want to be with you more than anything, but I’m too fucked up. Hell, he wasn’t even sure if he could physically perform. He hadn’t been able to in over two years.
And his ED wasn’t the only flashing red light to this situation. He couldn’t be anything more than just a friend with benefits because she deserved a hell of a lot better than him. She deserved someone who wasn’t a mental case, who wasn’t in pain all the time, and who could give her a family. So then what options were they left with? Friends with benefits? Maybe if they were just acquaintances, sure. But if they were just acquaintances like Pricilla, Jenny or Sabrina then they would have already had sex.
But they were more than that. They were more than friends. They cared about each other in a deep, meaningful way. There was no way to add no strings sex to that sort of relationship. Especially considering Audrey had never had sex with anyone.
That fact made him want her more and know that he couldn’t have her in equal measures.
This entire situation had gotten out of hand, and he had no clue how to deal with it. The most important thing was that he didn’t lose Audrey. But he was scared if he kept being distant because of his anxiety over not knowing how to handle the situation that is exactly what would happen.
Not knowing what else to do, he grabbed his notebook out of the cabinet next to his dining table and sat down and just wrote the first things that came to his head.
The Dance
Two people
One motion
Circling to rhymes
Connection so strong
Their breaths collide
Heart beats sync
Their bodies glide
Moving together
Suspended in time
He was so lost in his memories of the dance class that the knock on the door startled him. He closed his notebook and stuffed it back into the cabinet. Caleb had mentioned that he might stop by tonight and hang out if he got done with the annual bake off which he was MCing before eight. He still couldn’t believe that was his friend’s life. Hosting the annual Hope Falls Bake Off.
Josh shook his head and Thor’s nails clicked on the floor as he followed Josh to the door. When he opened it, Josh was expecting to see his friend but instead was surprised to see his sister standing there with her three children and a lot of bags.
“Uncle J, Uncle J!” His twin nieces Bethany and Bridgette wearing identical turtlenecks with overalls and scarves hopped up and down with their hands in the air. The only way he could tell them apart was that Bethany’s hair was blonder than Bridgette’s.
“Hey munchkins!” He bent down and they both launched themselves into his arms.
Mid hug both girls started screaming, “A puppy! A puppy!”
“You got a dog?” Claire asked, her brows lifting high toward the heavens.
His sister had strongly suggested, several times, that he get a therapy animal, just like Dr. Lowe had. Part of him wished he’d listened to them and had gotten a dog sooner but then he might not have Thor. And Josh would gladly endure the eight years he’d spent white knuckling through his trauma to have the dog he truly felt was meant to be his. Thor.
“Yep.” Josh nodded as he set the girls down and scratched behind Thor’s ears. “This is Thor.”
“Princess Thor!” Bridgette exclaimed.
“I love Princess Thor!” Bethany threw her arms around Thor’s neck.
Thor’s tongue was hanging out the side of his mouth as he panted, and Josh could swear he was smiling. The corners of his mouth were tilted up. He was in hog heaven receiving all that attention.
Josh stepped back and held the door open for his sister who walked in with his nephew Braydon on her hip. “Sorry to just show up like this. I tried to call but it went straight to voicemail.”
Shit. Josh had been so distracted by the bullshit in his head he must not have charged his phone. What if Nonna had needed him? Or what if Audrey had called? What if she’d texted? He thought she hadn’t reached out to him since he’d dropped her off at her house, but what if he was wrong? He pulled his phone out of his pocket. Sure enough, it was dead.
“What’s up?” He asked as he plugged it into the charger in the kitchen.
“Um, well…”
“I have to go potty.” Bethany was hopping back and forth from her left foot to her right doing the pee pee dance.
“Me too!” Bridgette threw her hand up in the air.
Both girls started running down the hallway in what looked to be a serious race.
“I’d better go supervise. They’ve been having fun flushing things down the toilet lately.” Claire handed Braydon to Josh and disappeared down the hall after the girls.
“Hey little man, you’re getting big,” he said as he tossed him up in the air and Braydon giggled.
Josh hadn’t seen his nephew and nieces for about four months because his sister and the kids had spent the holidays back East with Claire’s husband’s family. He was realizing that was too long to go. This guy was significantly heavier, and the girls looked like they’d both grown at least an inch.
Since these munchkins were the closest he’d ever get to having kids of his own, he didn’t want to miss any of it. He resolved to get back to his schedule of heading down to Sacramento at least once a month. Nonna loved the visits and so did he.
He was already planning when he’d head down there next when his sister returned. She took a deep breath and tried to take Braydon back.
“I’ve got him,” Josh assured her.
“Okay, um, I have a huge favor to ask.”
“What’s up?”
Claire had never asked him for anything in his life. They hadn’t been that close growing up, since Claire was nearly a decade older than him and had always lived with her mom. They hadn’t actually had any real relationship until after their dad had passed. Oddly enough, when they planned the funeral, they’d sort of bonded over what a shitty father he was, something they’d never really talked about when he was alive.
After that, they kept in touch more regularly. And then she’d asked Josh to walk her down the aisle when she got married. It had been such a huge honor that he took very seriously. Once the twins were born, they got even closer.
“The kids and I are on our way to Tahoe; Martin is there for business.” Claire’s husband worked in marketing and had clients all over the world. He travelled a lot for his job. “We were going to head up there and spend the weekend. I had a babysitter lined up. She was supposed to come with me, but when I went to pick her up, she was too upset to go because she’d just found out her boyfriend was cheating on her. I guess she looked through his phone and saw plans he was making because she was going to be out of town.
“Anyway, I figured I would just bring the kids with me, we could have a mini family vacation. And we still can. But as I was driving I got an idea, and I tried to call you but you didn’t answer. So, I figured since I was driving this way anyway, I’d stop by and see if the kids could stay here for two nights. I know it’s a long shot and I’m sure you’re busy and I totally understand if it’s too much.”