"Like Ro'shan passing." Tamura laughed and went back to studying the crack.
It was growing daily as Tamura and the brothers worked at it. An inky darkness leading upwards into the rock. It was already large enough that I could start the climb and as we shined a lantern up above, I could see that the crack opened into a crevice. The urge to start climbing, to see how far I could get was almost overwhelming. My desire was only furthered by the strong breeze blowing into my face. I grinned and closed my eyes.
"Listen." Tamura's voice was a whisper.
I cocked my head to the side, trying to block out my other senses, to concentrate on whatever sound the old man could hear. I was quite amazed I hadn't heard it myself. A constant, muted roar echoed out from the crack.
"What is it?" I asked.
Tamura giggled. "Blow through your lips."
I did as he bid.
"Tighter." Tamura ordered. "Tighter." He reached out and put fingers above and below my lips, squashing them together until the sound I was making was a breathy whistle.
I shook the old man's hand away. "It's wind gusting through a small opening," I said, more confident than ever it would lead to our way out.
"Grass beneath my feet," Tamura said, and did a little dance, lifting each foot in turn and spinning around on the spot. So childlike at times. So much innocence. It is somewhat ironic to me that someone so steeped in guilt could also be the most innocent of us all.
"You and I might fit through, but Isen and Hardt don't stand a chance," I said. "We need to make the crack wider still. I think it opens out further up, so we just need to widen it a little more here."
Tamura shot me a quizzical look and held the pick up at arm's length. The metal only barely touched the roof of the tunnel. I nodded my understanding and Tamura gave me a shrug.
"We're going to need rope," I said, but the old man gave no sign he was still listening to me. He was staring up at the crack, feeling the breeze on his face. I left him there and made my way towards the main cavern. We were so close to freedom I could almost taste it. I imagined the sky; giant and blue, glorious and endless. Freedom and my reward.
What if there is no way out? All that crack leads to is a stone coffin. A cold grave. The thought made me stumble, set an unspoken fear coursing through me. It was the first time I had even considered the possibility. Now that I was, it seemed all too real.
I almost bumped into Josef on my way to the Trough. Part of me still thinks I was so distracted I didn't notice him coming towards me. I know the truth though, he stepped into my path. He wanted the conversation. I can't blame him for it. I wanted to talk to him too. Josef wasn't just a friend, our bond went deeper than that, deeper than if we had been true siblings. We were a pair. Two of a kind. The academy raised and trained us that way, to rely on each other for everything. Despite that bond it had been almost a month since we had spoken. We saw each other every day, yet neither of us could find the humility to swallow our pride and mend the rift that was growing larger day by day. Why? Because he had fucking betrayed me again! Despite the blinders of love for him that I wore, despite the hope of reconciliation inside of me, I was starting to see the pattern.
We stared at each other for a while. I honestly don't think I've ever felt more awkward in my life. Eventually I stepped to the side, determined to move past him and the situation. Josef didn't let me.
"It's been a while," he said. I realised then just how much I'd missed the sound of his voice. It almost broke me. I felt cracks snaking their way through my will. I wanted nothing more than to hear his voice tell me it would be all right and to lean my head on his shoulder and feel the closeness we had always shared.
"I saw you just this morning," I said. Pride is a terrible thing constantly pushing us into mistakes. Regardless of what I wanted, I couldn't help but remember all the betrayals Josef had stacked against me. At that moment, I wanted to both wrap my arms around him and kick him off a cliff. We could both fall together, die together. I would have saved the world so much pain.
"Well... I mean..." Josef stammered to a stop. "I mean, I miss you, Eska."
He'll betray you again. I couldn't shake the thought. It echoed in my mind and every time I pushed it down, it started up again. I missed Josef like a part of myself had disappeared and it itched at me all the time. But he had betrayed me, time and time again. I had the pattern, I could see it. It was there and I couldn't ignore it. Josef claimed he held love for me, I knew it was true. He did. But that had never stopped him betraying me to get what he wanted. He wanted to surrender at Fort Vernan, not I. He wanted the overseer to set us free, not I. He would fucking betray me again!
"Why wouldn't you?" I said with a scoff. It was terse and harsh and when I look back now, I wish I hadn't listened to the voice in my head. I wish we had made up then. I wanted to tell him about my hope, about the escape plan. I wanted to be friends again.
He'll tell the overseer. It sounded so reasonable. It sounded like truth. Fear is speculation more often than it is truth. The truth is almost never as terrifying as imagination makes it seem. Almost never.
"I have to go," I said coldly, and made to move past him again. Josef stepped backwards and in front of me.
"Please, Eska," he said. "Talk to me. I'm sorry. I'm sorry about everything. Just… don't push me away. We've been through too much to let whatever this is break us."
He'll say anything, and report everything. From your mouth to his ears to the overseer. Fear. Fucking fear. Sometimes it makes us wise, other times it makes us bloody idiots.
"Goodbye, Josef." I pushed past him and we both hissed from the pain in our ribs, but I kept going.
"Eska, wait," Josef called after me. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I hurt you. I didn't mean to betray you. I just wanted... I just want to get out. I'd do anything to see the sun again and the overseer offered me that. He offered us both a way out. But I don't get out unless you do. Like it or not, we're together on this. And I don't like life without you in it. Please..."
I wiped the tears from my eyes and kept walking, refusing to listen to either Josef or the voice in my head telling me everything he said was lies.
Chapter 19
When I was nine years old, still a student at the Orran Academy of Magic, I first learned to fight. Sparring was required teaching. There were dozens of fields of study and research, and many Sourcerers spent their lives furthering Orran's agriculture or blacksmithing. There is truly no end to the possibilities in the ways magic can be applied to help everyday life. But all Sourcerers who attended the academy needed to know how to fight. It wasn't just because of the war with Terrelan, but the prospect of any war. The Orran Empire kept track of its Sourcerers and was prepared to put them to work in military efforts wherever they were needed. Josef and I were different. We were trained to be weapons against the Terrelans. We were trained to fight with our magic. That was an oversight, I think. They should have also trained us to fight without.
There were rules to the sparring, of course. The first and foremost, was that we were never allowed to bring our full strength to bear against our opponents. They too, were Sourcerers and Orrans just like us. They too, were weapons being trained to rain destruction down upon the Terrelans. There was simply no sense in going overboard and killing our classmates. That never seemed to stop the bitch-whore from trying though.