“I love you,” I whisper, though the words sound hollow and small. Our love is big, and spans the entire injustice system. We storm enemy forts for each other. We break rules of magic. We resurrect power long forgotten. We do all we can to make sure the other has every advantage possible.
And now he’s passed out in my arms while I weep into his fur.
This isn’t the life I promised him.
18
I am the Chaos
Arlanna
My world goes oddly still, even as Everly Ann bolts out of the house and leaps into the backseat with us. She sniffs Rafe and howls, sounding his pain into the darkening sky. The clouds are heavy and dark, looking for a place to unburden themselves.
Paxton is getting Jen from the house, but I’m nowhere near ready to leave Gray.
My wolf is passed out in my arms. I don’t know enough about treating animals for gunshot wounds to be of any help, other than comfort. I can keep his body warm with mine, so that’s what I do.
It’s too much, this injury on top of a double homicide. I want to scoop Rafe up and take him away from all of this, but I know that’s not possible.
I am the chaos. I’m the thing that dragged him to the cabin and into this violent life.
Jen rushes out with her first aid kit, swearing when she takes in the state of our favorite shifter. “Bullet’s out?”
Paxton pants beside her. “Yes, ma’am. That’s what made most of the mess.”
“I can see that. Paxton, take Everly Ann into the house, go boil some water and bring me some fresh towels.” Her hands are steady as she fishes through the kit. “You all get that you should have taken him to the hospital, right?”
“If that were an option, we would have.”
Jen’s lips purse as she works in silence for a couple minutes. “One day, we’re going to have a talk about that line of thinking. Whatever you all were running from, it’s not worth Gray’s life.”
“It’s not that!” I shout, though I don’t mean to sound cross with her. When Paxton comes back out with the towels, I lower my voice. “No hospital nearby would treat him because he’s a shifter! The shifter hospital is farther away than the commune. You were the closest, so we took him to you.”
Jen’s neck shrinks. “Oh. I thought you were afraid of getting your father in trouble with the cops.”
My mouth goes dry as I make a decision without truly thinking it through. “I can’t get my father in trouble. He’s dead.” Then I fix Paxton with a look that warns him to keep his mouth shut. “I killed him.”
Paxton narrows his eyes at me, anger radiating out. I know he’s cross that I would dare take the blame for something he did. In reality, he only did what I didn’t have the courage to do. And he did it to save me. “You know that’s not how it went down, Arlanna.”
My stubborn nature postures. “The world needs you, so that’s how it went down.”
“Everyone here needs you!” Paxton counters, exasperated that I’m just as bullheaded as he is.
Jen holds up her hand after she disinfects the wound, rousing Rafe as he whines with his eyes closed through the sting. “The both of you can fight over who gets to be more selfless another time. I need to concentrate. Unless the cops are going to be baring down on us in the next five minutes, that’s a conversation that can wait.”
I hold Rafe’s head as his eyes open and shut, his consciousness waxing and waning. “Baby,” I coo, kissing the top of his head. As big and growly as he is, Rafe is my puppy, so I don’t hold back my affection as I bury my cheek into the top of his head. “I’m right here, pumpkin.” I kiss his fur because I can’t not.
“I’ll speed along the water,” Paxton offers, and then trots back to the house. He’s probably going to heat it with his fire glare.
Jen keeps her voice calm, even though we’ve thrown more at her than anyone should be expected to shoulder. “Are you okay?” she asks me, her eyes on the tight stitching.
Rafe’s whimpers as Jen sews him up tug at my heart. “Easy, baby. Yes, I’m okay. Daddy was supposed to pick me up when Sloan went missing, but he took me and wouldn’t let me go.” I should choose my words carefully, but the truth spills out like marbles all over the place. “He was livid that I’d shaved my head, so he lost his temper and locked me in the closet. Said he wouldn’t let me out until my hair grew back, so he could take what he needed.” I swallow hard. “Said it was my duty to help the family however I could.”
Jen keeps her eyes on her work. I can’t imagine how tricky it would be to sew through fur. “Then I’m glad we don’t have to worry about him anymore. However it went down, I don’t care. You’re home safe. Everyone’s going to be glad to hear it.” She ties off the stitching and cuts the string. “Let’s see if we can all go a solid week without injury. If we can manage that, I’ll be thrilled.”
I force a few notes of a laugh as I glance out the window at the blackening sky. Clouds gather like they’re drawn to my misery, and I can tell it’s about to start raining.
I run my hand over Rafe’s neck. “I think we need to get him indoors before the rain hits.”
Jen nods. “Rafe, let’s get a move on. Can you stand?”
Rafe’s eyes open only slightly, and he lifts his head to whine. We’re forcing more effort upon him than he’s ready for.
I don’t blame Rafe for complaining, but I also know he needs a bed, and not the backseat of a car. He doesn’t move, letting us know he’s content to spend the night like this.
Jen jerks her chin toward the house. “Go on inside, Princess.”
I kiss Rafe’s maw, gather up Gray’s discarded clothes, and slide out from underneath him. No sooner do I lay his head down than he wakes more fully, harrumphing with a snort, as if to say he’s not going to sleep out in the car by himself. Me leaving him is the only thing that gets him on his feet.
“I knew that would work,” Jen chuckles, packing up her bag as the first few raindrops fall. She jogs past us and opens the door for Rafe while I lead the way, moving slowly up the porch steps so he follows suit.
Everly Ann greets me, and then howls to announce Rafe’s pain.
My whole body is heavy with too much weight put on my shoulders. My father is dead, and Sloan isn’t alive to help me through this. Much of the family business will fall to me, yet I don’t want anything to do with it. But if the family disbands, they won’t just stop committing crimes. There will be no checks and balances, no one to answer to. The world will suffer much if I can’t get a solid hold on the organization.
The whole thing makes me want to take a long nap.
One problem at a time. I need to pace myself.
Paxton brings a bowl of hot water to the entrance. He and Jen dip the towels in it, and begin to clean the blood off Rafe’s fur.
Jen frets aloud while she works. “I can’t tell if he’s lost too much blood, or if it’s a normal amount. It’s too much for a person, but Rafe is enormous, so it might not be too terrible. I have no idea.” She shakes her head. “I’m way out of my depth with this. I told the warden as much when Gray was sentenced. I told him we needed a true shifter doctor, but he wouldn’t hire one because it wasn’t in the budget. So I studied my butt off, but I still don’t know all I should to be able to give Gray the proper care he deserves.”