“What was that for?” she finally breathed when she’d regained enough of her senses to register words.
“I wanted you to know where I stand,” he said. “I might not want the betrothal, but I want to keep getting to know you.”
She rubbed her fingers over her bottom lip. They were sensitive from his kiss and the brush of her skin tingled. His eyes followed the motion of her fingers, his lips parting slightly. He leaned towards her, close enough that his heat combined with hers. Although they weren’t touching, having him that close made her entire body spark with anticipation. She longed for him to wrap his arms around her, holding her tightly as he kissed her again.
He kissed her brow. She pressed her hands against his chest and leaned into the kiss. She couldn’t explain why, but she felt safe. He made her feel safe. Part of her wanted to push him away. Part of her wanted to embrace and hold him tight against her body. Part of her just wanted to disappear so that she could muddle through her emotions at her own pace.
“I think you and I are on the same page,” she murmured against his chest.
Although she couldn’t see it, she felt him smile. His entire body seemed to soften at her words, as if he had been holding himself tense, waiting for her response. After a moment, his hands wrapped around her waist, pulling her flush against his body. He held her like that for several seconds. The weight and warmth of him relieved the lingering tension in her shoulders. She breathed him in. He smelled of smoke, amber, and woods hooded in shade. He smelled of home.
When he finally released his hold on her, she instantly missed his touch. She didn’t know how it was possible that she had become this addicted to his smell, his touch, his kisses, but she had. She pinched the skin between her thumb and pointer finger, reminding herself that there were more important things she needed to attend to now. She couldn’t allow herself to be distracted. She breathed in deeply and took several steps away from him. The more distance between them, the easier it was for her to concentrate.
“I’ve heard rumors about engineers who’ve been able to repair damaged PEAs,” he said.
“What!” she nearly screamed. Pressing her hand against her heart, she pounded against her chest a couple of times, trying to create something else for her to focus on. If this was true, there was a chance she might be able to get Penny back. “Why didn’t you lead with that?” she asked.
“Well, I, uh,” he stammered, his cheeks shimmering. His jaw tightened as he stared at her with a bewildered expression for several moments. One of his braids fell across his face, blocking his eyes. He swept it behind his ear before he said in a precise, smooth voice, “I wanted to see how you felt about the betrothal first.”
She scowled at him.
He held his hands up. “I mean, I was always going to tell you about the research I’ve found that says it’s possible. It’s been done before. But I,” he met her gaze as he spoke, “I wanted to know how you felt about me first.”
“I see,” she said, pouting slightly. Crossing her arms over her chest, she cocked an eyebrow at him. “And I suppose you’ve found my responses to be promising so you decided to give me this little ray of sunshine?”
“No! It’s not like that!” The shade of his cheeks turned an even paler. “I didn’t want to tell you about possibly being able to bring your PEA back and then not get to ask you about your feelings, okay?”
She stared at him blankly. He fidgeted and wouldn’t meet her eyes.
“So, you’re telling me, you were more concerned about our relationship progressing than of notifying me I could get my oldest friend back?” she asked. All the warm, fuzzy feelings she’d been having towards him were slowly turning to ash the longer they spoke to one another. It was as if she were watching a bonfire consume books from her childhood. Each cover disintegrating into nothing more than gray soot.
“No. I mean, yes. I,” he sighed heavily. “I just wanted to know where we stood, okay? Please don’t be angry with me.”
“I’m not angry,” she said. The moment the words left her, she knew they were true. She wasn’t angry as much as disappointed in herself for thinking that someone could care about her. For believing that she could build a relationship with anyone.
“I’m so glad,” he said immediately. “I just wanted—”
“But I think we should take things slow,” she interrupted him. Pressure built behind her eyes as she spoke. It threatened to erupt from her. She blinked her eyes several times, trying to keep the tears at bay. Clearing her throat, she continued, “I know you want this,” she motioned her hands between them, “but you have to understand what position I’m in. I’ve been thrust into this position without asking for it. I’ve found someone. I’ve lost the only friend I’ve ever had. And, just when I thought I could build something with you, you do something so selfish that it throws me for a loop.”
“But I wasn’t,” he cut in, taking a step towards her. His fingers grazed her arm, but she jerked away from him. His hands dropped to his sides, his expression dejected.
“I know,” she whispered, “But that’s the problem. You thought more about what you wanted than you did about what I needed.”
He didn’t respond for several moments. She looked away from him, knowing that if he met her gaze, she wouldn’t be able to hold back the tears. They would flow from her like a river she wasn’t prepared to release yet.
“You’re right,” he finally said.
Startled, she looked up at him. He smiled sadly at her. “I was being selfish. I wanted to know if this thing between us was real.” He released a shuttering breath. “But I should have recognized what you’ve been through. Your whole life has been turned upside down and that’s partially because of me. I should never have pushed you to try extracting the data from your PEA. I knew you were worried the data would be destroyed and I dismissed your concerns.”
He turned away from her, but not before she saw a line of silver streak down his cheek. She gasped, her heart beating more rapidly in her chest. She’d made boys cry before, but not like this.
“I knew you were reeling from your PEA’s loss and I should have recognized that this sliver of hope would be a balm, of sorts, to you.”
Although she was still conflicted and her heart ached, she closed the gap between them and placed a firm hand on his shoulder, turning him towards her.
He shook as he stared down at her. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.
It took everything in her not to throw her arms around him and kiss him again. Instead, she nodded at him slowly and said, “I hear you and I forgive you. But all I want now is more information on how we can bring my PEA back.”
His lips quirked into a small smile. “I know just where to begin.”
The End.