I can feel the rhythm of her heart changing as I speak, but I can’t identify the feeling behind it. Is she furious, or frustrated or, judging by how her skin starts to burn, is she about to slap me?
CHAPTER VI
Cerys
There’s no point twisting and turning it in my head. That was a full-blown rejection. He’s not interested in a relationship with me, fated mate or not. I push myself up and out of his arms. He doesn’t want to let me go at first, his muscles tensing. But he eventually releases me.
“Then I suppose there’s no point to what we’re doing here,” I declare, starting to get dressed. “I mean, I know it was my fault, I came on to you, I just couldn’t resist the pull after I tasted your blood, but no worries.” I straighten up, zipping up my latex suit, or what’s left of it. I hold a few shreds. “I’ll probably need something else to wear. Can’t really see myself fighting the dead wearing this.”
He gets up slowly, probably understanding what I really want—some time to brace myself by the fire, and cry. I wanted so bad for him to say something that would convince me to stay by his side no matter what, I wanted him to want me. I wanted him to argue, maybe say that he’d change his ways for me.
But then again, I realize how absurd that is.
I try not to look at him as he rises to his full height, his perfect golden body glowing in the firelight. What I feel now as I look at his face, it’s outrageous, and I just shouldn’t.
I turn my back on him to hide my tears as he puts his clothes back on, but I think he knows what I’m doing. I wish he’d walk over and wrap his big hands around my shoulders, whisper in my ear that he’ll do anything in his power so that we can stay together, so that we can make this bond work. But he decides to leave the tent without a word.
I collapse to my knees as soon as I hear the canvas flap, and Xerxes’ steps fading away. I bury my face in my hands, opening my mouth in a soundless scream. But thank the high realms, I’m not alone in the world. I have Nazarean, who senses my distress and slinks into the tent, finding his way onto my lap. I curl over him, and sink my nose in his fur that smells of wet mud and grass. He brushes his wet nose against mine, mewing softly against my face.
I curl up on the floor by the fire with him, pulling the improvised canvas cover Xerxes provided over us. Pain ravages my heart, and the feeling of loss is like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. But I will pull myself back together before Xerxes returns, I promise myself that. I wipe my reddened nose, trying to stop the sniffling.
I manage to convince myself that Xerxes is right, he and I could never be together even if nothing stood between us. He’s a villain that wants to take over the worlds, and the only way I can help the other realms, help them stay safe from Xerxes, is to use his blood oath and free myself from him as soon as we’ve gotten the Firestone. Then I can find a way to help the others against him,
In fact, I am the realms’ only chance. Xerxes is a powerful opponent, he can do things other realm rulers can’t even dream of. I felt his might and ambitions, I’ve witnessed the things he can do, and what I haven’t witnessed I can sense. I suppose I got myself quite a bargain when I won my freedom from him, you know, considering that he wanted to have me killed before he even met me.
Destiny is so cruel. Why did my fated mate have to be the most dangerous man in all the worlds? And why in the cursed realms did I have to catch feelings for him despite my best efforts, feelings so profound and nuanced that it would be a shame to lose them. Part of me doesn’t even want to return to the version of me that didn’t know these feelings. I’m not sure even what to call them, but I’m pretty certain ‘recklessly in love’ says it all.
The canvas flaps again, cold night air piercing the warmth inside. He’s back.
I wipe my nose quickly, my eyes puffy and tired. I push the cover back and get up to face him, holding Nazarean with one hand and rubbing my eyes with the other like I’m exhausted, which I am, both physically and emotionally.
“What have you got for me?” I look at the clothes draped over his arm. I walk over, keeping my eyes on what seems to be an army camouflage outfit with natural patterns specific to the fae.
“It will help you blend in with the environment even better than black,” he says as I inspect the outfit. There’s a thin layer of frost over it.
“Where did you find it?”
“Drying outside the tavern in the nearest village. Belongs to soldiers from the Seelie. All looking for us, obviously.”
The Seelie soldiers are looking for us all right, with every intention to kill Xerxes. The camouflage involves forest patterns, the fabric itself made of tree bark and leaves, very flexible and durable. As I hold it up to inspect it I see it’s going to wrap around my body as tightly as the latex suit, but it will allow me to move better, and it will change colors and patterns according to the environment I’m trying to blend into.
“Thank you,” I breathe, and turn back to the fire. I cuddle with Nazarean, my back to Xerxes. I don’t know how to deal with the pressure between us, so I just pretend to fall asleep.
I lay there awake for what feels like hours, completely aware of the moment when Xerxes lies down behind me, his body hot against mine. He doesn’t take me in his arms, no matter how much I pray that he would. He barely touches me, and I finally drift into a dreamless sleep, the pain still pulsing in my chest.
Cerys
“BREAKFAST IS READY,” Xerxes tells me, standing in the entrance of the tent before turning around and walking away.
I get up, breathing in the scent of Nazarean’s fur and kissing him on his head right between his ears before I slip into my new Seelie camouflage suit. It molds to the shape of my body, though its arms are too long. I roll them up, and here I am, no longer in latex, but in something that showcases my body just as well.
The gray daylight hits my eyes, making me squint as I emerge from the tent. I shield my eyes with my hand as I head over to Xerxes, who’s laid bagels on a blanket on the still frosted morning ground. I brace myself, steam leaving my mouth.
“The mornings are cold here in the hills, but it will get better,” he grumbles without looking at me.
“Listen, Xerxes, there’s no way either of us will be able to focus on this properly if we feel so awkward around each other.” I get over myself and grab a bagel. Luckily I have Nazarean, so I can direct my attention to stroking him with my free hand, and not look at Xerxes at all as we eat.
In fact, I don’t know if he eats at all. I haven’t seen him do it ever since he took me away from the shelter.
“We’ll use the morning to get inside,” he begins, looking over his shoulder at the shimmering magical barrier that separates the Cemetery of Doom from us. “We’ll be careful, and you’ll have to keep behind me no matter what. We must explore first.”
My palms sweat instantly. I’m not sure I’m ready for this, but I wouldn’t admit it no matter what.
“What if someone sees us? We’ve been doing our best to keep out of people’s sight, and the nearest village isn’t that far away.”
“No, but no one ever ventures to the Hill of Doom. Despite the circle of protective magic, there’s too much superstition surrounding it.”