He continues along the wide, decorated corridor, passing the opulent bedroom where he stayed on our first day before he pauses outside my room.
I forgot how stark my bedroom looks—so small with nothing more than the bed, closet, chest of drawers, and a mirror, all of it gray. I expected it to be destroyed, for Imatra to have raged through it, shredding my clothing and ripping apart my furniture, but it appears untouched. The only difference is that the poisonous violet rose she gave me rests on top of the chest of drawers. I left it in Nathaniel’s room, but I guess she wouldn’t want it there in case someone touched it.
“It feels so empty,” I murmur as I set foot inside my room, venturing toward the open window to look out across the sparkling lights of the city.
Nathaniel closes the door behind me, his hand resting on the door handle, his shoulders hunching before he leans his halberd against the back of the door. He surprises me when he unhooks the mirror from the wall and brings it to me.
“You should see what you look like now,” he says, stepping back and maintaining his distance once I take the mirror from him.
The mirror tilts away from me so that it reflects the light of the moon across my window ledge. It will only take a small movement for me to look into it, but my appearance won’t change anything. I don’t need to see myself to know what Nathaniel thinks of me. He thought I was beautiful when my hair was dull white, my eyes pale, my lips colorless, when I considered myself nothing more than a shield to protect my queen or a weapon for her to wield. When every other fae and human I met thought—and sometimes expressed very publicly—that I was ugly, Nathaniel saw more.
I’m not sure how to tell him that his opinion matters more to me than what anyone else thinks.
I turn the mirror over and place it face down on the bed. Then I turn and cross the distance to him to slide my arms around his chest, ignoring the bite of his weapon harness. I bend my head to rest my ear against his heart as the handles of his daggers press into my chest. He tenses before he relaxes within the circle of my arms.
I’ve kept him at arm’s length for the last few hours, but I can’t continue to push him away without one last touch, no matter how painful it is to expose my sadness right now. No matter how much I want to scream at the passing minutes.
His hands tangle in my hair. He presses a kiss to the top of my head before he draws away from me, turns quietly to my closet, and opens the cupboard doors.
Multiple suits of armor hang inside it, all indigo.
He pulls one out and hands it to me. I take it before I lean around him, reaching down to retrieve the pelt I rolled up and left at the bottom of my closet on our first day. It’s the pelt he was wearing when I first met him, charcoal-gray fur drawn together at the top by a golden chain. The coat of an alpha wolf.
Nathaniel accepts it but doesn’t put it on.
We stand looking at each other for a moment, the silent seconds ticking past.
I close my eyes, taking every inhale like it’s my last as I strip off my human clothing. Somehow, I’ve never felt so naked as the beige training suit falls to the floor, followed by my underwear. It feels like I’m removing everything that happened since I met Nathaniel and erasing all of it.
Reaching for clean undergarments, I carry them with me to the bathroom. Nathaniel places the pelt on my bed before I can leave his sight. He shifts to stand in the bathroom doorway, staring up at the ceiling while I use the facilities and wash up. After pulling on my clean underwear, I swap places with him, and I fixate on the floor as he also uses the bathroom and washes up.
When he returns to my side, I set about pulling on my armor and my boots. The clothing fits perfectly, designed for me. I finish doing up the final clasp, inhaling the scents of my room and my clothing. Remembering my life as the Queen’s champion.
Suddenly, the act of getting dressed feels final. The hug I gave Nathaniel and the kiss he dropped on my head were the last acts of affection between us.
He pulls my snowy-white fleece from my closet—the one I wore to my fight with Calida—and hands it to me. It settles around my shoulders, lighter than the pelt I wore in Fell.
“You’re Imatra’s warrior now,” Nathaniel says as he pulls on his pelt. He draws his broad shoulders back, allowing the fur to settle across his body. Strands of his hair fall across one side of his face, brushing his cheeks and the growth that shadows his jaw. His full lips draw into a merciless line, the same determination filling his expression that did the moment I first set eyes on him.
I incline my head, as if we’re meeting for the first time. “I’m not your wife anymore.”
He nods. “My wife is in my heart. She’s safe there.”
“My husband is in my memories,” I say, taking a step away from him. “For as long as I live.”
I step toward the door, the air suddenly choking in my throat as I beat back the finality of our descent down the staircase.
Chapter 21
When we reach the Inner Sanctuary, Evander waits with a plate full of food. Nathaniel and I take what we need and separate from each other, moving to stand as far away as we can.
Evander casts concerned glances at each of us before his expression settles into resignation. He doesn’t know the extent of the bond Nathaniel and I formed, but he will understand that we need to distance ourselves from each other now.
He approaches me quietly. “Aura, bringing you food seems trivial. What else can I do to help you?”
He hasn’t asked me the painful question that Crispin did—whether I plan on being alive after dawn—and I’m glad.
I can’t tell my brother the truth.
I glance across at Nathaniel, the way he studies the horizon beyond us, the glittering city, and the stars above it. I wonder for a moment if he is searching for my people in the ether, the dancing Lucidia who have no reason to fear or care about what happens to the fae or the Fell.
“Nathaniel can’t ride Treble with me anymore,” I say. “I can’t let him closer to me than he has to be. Will one of the other thunderbirds accept him as a rider?”
Evander tips his head in thought. “Thunderbirds choose their riders, Aura, you know that.” He presses his hand to my shoulder. “But he can ride with me.”
“Thank you.” I finish my food before I take a step toward the open side of the Sanctuary, checking that Nathaniel is also finished eating before I step outside and compel him to follow me. He immediately steps forward, his dark gaze flashing to me.
He knows where I’m going.
I can’t retrieve my heart, but I want to see it, knowing for the first time what it really is. Crossing the platform, I descend the wide marble staircase, counting the fifty steps it takes to reach the Spinning Lake at the bottom of it.
I stop at the edge, suddenly unable to step onto the frozen surface. I close my eyes, needing a moment—just one moment to try to breathe and calm the flickers inside my chest.
The city is quiet in the distance. A heavy calm rests over it. Bright moonlight shines across the Lake while the whisper willows at its side swish quietly in the breeze.
Evander stops beside me, a quiet presence. “Imatra ordered everyone to stay inside their homes tonight,” he says. “Some fae are afraid, but most believe you won’t fail them.”