And just like that, my brain melts all over again. This time, it’s not from anger, though. This time, it’s because the pain underlying all that fury is all-encompassing—and impossible to witness without flinching.
It burns away my own anger, leaves me feeling bereft and anxious and like there’s something I just don’t understand.
The fact that I want to understand is shocking enough. The fact that I want to help is mind-blowing. Except, also not.
“Hudson?” I reach out quietly, hoping to find a way to break through the pain.
But even as I call his name, I know that he won’t answer. I know that, trapped in my head or not, he’s already gone.
66
Frenemies Are
Forever
Once Hudson disappears, I’m at loose ends. I have so many thoughts, so many feelings, that I can’t process them all, so I end up pacing around my dorm room for, like, ten minutes. Eventually, I figure out that he’s not coming back anytime soon, so I do the only thing I can think of to help myself get to sleep. I take a hot shower, hoping, if nothing else, that I can drown all the bizarre feelings roiling around inside me.
After a long shower that does absolutely nothing to settle my nerves or my stomach, I put on a tank and pajama shorts before heading back into the bedroom. Macy’s there, sitting cross-legged on her bed with her earbuds in and a notebook open on her lap. She waves at me but doesn’t try to talk, which means she must be studying.
It works for me, because I don’t have much to say right now. I have so many emotions whirling around inside me that it’s a miracle I can even think, let alone speak.
But then I realize Hudson must have come back while I was in the shower, too, and somehow that makes the emotions better and also worse at the same time. I don’t question it, though. Not now.
He’s slouched in the chair by my desk, the book he was reading earlier open on his lap but his gaze trained on my every movement. He looks wiped, and one glance tells me he feels the same way I do—too raw to want to discuss what was said earlier.
“So, No Exit isn’t quite the scintillating blockbuster you made it out to be?” I ask archly.
Hudson shoots me a relieved look. “I’ve already read it. Several times. Existentialism is so…”
“Last century?”
“Please, have you seen the world news lately?” he asks dryly.
“Good point,” I agree as I walk over to the bathroom sink and squeeze toothpaste onto my toothbrush.
When I’ve finished brushing my teeth and putting my dirty clothes in the hamper, I gratefully flop myself down on the bed. Training for the Ludares tournament with the others was more fun than I’ve had in a long time. But now, after that and sending Jaxon energy, I’m totally exhausted.
And I’m pretty sure I have a couple of major muscle groups that are going to hurt a whole lot tomorrow. Flying definitely uses muscles I didn’t even know I had.
“Did you have fun?” Macy asks, taking off her headphones the second I get settled.
“So much fun. Did you?”
“Oh my God, yes! I can’t believe I’m on a team with Jaxon and Flint and Gwen and Mekhi! I never imagined I’d find myself on such a badass team my first year being able to play. We’re totally going to win this tournament.”
“We have to win the tournament,” I remind her. “We need that bloodstone.”
“We will. Don’t even worry about it.” She pauses before clearing her throat. “So did you, umm…” She coughs. “I mean, did you…” She coughs again, then finally manages to ask, “What did you think of Xavier?”
And because Hudson’s diabolical nature has obviously rubbed off on me, I respond with, “Xavier who?”
Hudson snort-laughs but must realize I plan to chat with my cousin for a bit because, with an arched brow, No Exit magically appears in his hands once more, and he opens it up to somewhere in the middle.
Macy’s mouth drops open at my question. Like, literally drops open, and she sits there for what feels like ten seconds just staring at me, mouth ajar. “Xavier!” she finally says. “You know, the guy in the gray shirt? With the green eyes and the funny jokes?”
“No.” I shake my head, give her a puzzled look. “Doesn’t ring a bell.”
“How can it not ring a bell?” She sits up, all aflutter. “We just spent, like, ten hours with him! Xavier.”
“You know, you’re a terrible person,” Hudson says with a very British sniff as he continues to read. “Truly horrible.”
“Xavier,” I say musingly. “Xavier. Xavier. Xavier.”
“Yes!” she squawks. “Xavier! You know—”
“Do you mean the great guy with the gorgeous face who you were making googly eyes at all day?” I ask slyly. “The one who spent an awful lot of time showing off his muscles right in front of you? Yeah, I might have a general idea of who Xavier is.”
“Oh my God!” She throws a pillow at me, and when I dodge, she follows up with a stuffed animal, another pillow, and then one of her favorite bear slippers. “How could you do that to me! I thought you really hadn’t noticed.”
“How could I not notice him?” I chuckle. “He spent the whole day making everybody laugh and trying desperately to impress you.”
“He wasn’t actually trying to impress me,” she says, looking shy for what might be the first time since I got to Katmere. “Was he?”
“Oh my God, yes. At one point, Hudson and I were both convinced he was going to strip down and start flexing his abs right in front of you.”
“His abs and everything else,” Hudson adds dryly, looking up long enough to wink at me.
“Really?” Macy leans forward excitedly, even as she clutches another pillow on her lap. “You think so?”
“I know so. He was totally showing off for you. And I told you, I wasn’t the only one who noticed. Hudson asked several times if we were sure he was a wolf and not a peacock.”
My cousin laughs delightedly, then says, “You mean Jaxon.”
“What?” I ask, confused.
“Jaxon said all those things, right? Not Hudson.”
“No,” I tell her, even more confused by the question. “It was definitely Hudson, not Jaxon, who was paying attention to what was happening between you two—and who made all the comments.”
“Oh.” She gives me a weird look. “I didn’t realize you and Hudson…”