To pretend Ma and Kieran never existed? To forget?
“It’s been nearly two weeks with no new leads. There’s nothing more I can do,” Dunne says. “It’s time to start moving ahead with life. You’ve got a lot of it ahead of you. It’s what your ma would have wanted.”
I nearly break the broom, I’m gripping it so hard. “How dare you assume what she would have wanted,” I hiss under my breath.
“Leave him be,” Fiona says as she watches the door swing wide and shut once more. When she’s sure he’s gone, she rubs out the tension in her shoulder. “Shae, you can’t go throwing around accusations like that.”
I throw the broom to the ground and cradle my throbbing head in my hands against the counter. I can’t get Dunne’s infuriating words out.
The walls of the shop feel like they are converging on me as I drag my hands through my hair.
“Why not?” Even though my eyes are open, all I can see is the dark. “I’ve got nothing left to lose.”
As soon as I say it, I wish I could take it back. The flash of hurt on Fiona’s face almost makes me want to apologize.
But that’s the thing about words. Once you’ve said them, there’s no going back.
We don’t speak the rest of the evening.
7
My dreams are plagued with nightmares. Whispers in the darkness and watching eyes, trained on me like a predator about to strike. My body is heavy and sluggish, powerless to flee or fight. I can only struggle feebly, but the more I do, the closer the darkness creeps, its claws sinking deeper into my skin until I’m submerged in the inky blackness.
I push myself onto my elbows. My racing heart slows as I ground myself. I’m in the bedroll by the hearth in Fiona’s room. The flame has burned down to soft embers; it must be long past midnight.
Sitting up properly, I rub my eyes. My forehead is slick with cold sweat, and my hands ache from clenching my fists in my sleep.
It’s what your ma would have wanted echoes relentlessly in my mind, yet I know it’s not true.
Without thinking, I throw the threadbare quilt off my legs and rise to my feet, grabbing my clothes and shoes. I wait until I’m safely on the other side of the door before I pull them on and head quietly down the stairs.
I need to go home; I have to see it for myself. Maybe I can find some clue that Dunne missed.
I hurry into the shop, heading for the door. I’ll be back before dawn. They will never even know I was missing.
“Shae?” I freeze when I hear Fiona’s curious voice behind me. “Where are you going?”
I turn toward Fiona, her face visibly clouded with worry even in the dim light. I don’t know what to say to her. The days I’ve been at the shop feel like a hopeless blur. I’m wandering blindfolded in a storm.
Fiona has been the only thing keeping my head above the merciless waves of grief that threaten to destroy me. I’m selfish to make her worry.
“I…” I lift my chin to meet her gaze as she steps closer. “I wanted to see my house.”
A sob escapes my throat, and Fiona wraps her arms around me as my tears free themselves.
“Shae,” she says, gently stroking my disheveled hair, “there’s nothing for you to find there except more heartbreak. Don’t punish yourself like this.”
In the darkness of the store, she holds me a long time before letting go. I wipe my eyes with the heel of my palm.
“I feel so useless. I can’t stand it,” I say finally. “Nothing about this makes any sense.”
“That’s understandable.” Fiona’s voice is comforting. “None of this has been easy, or fair. But nothing can change it. All you can do is move forward.”
I feel a sting of indignation at her words. So like the constable’s. Someone walks into my house, stabs my mother, and vanishes, and I’m supposed to forget about it and move on with my life?
“I can’t.” I shake my head. “There’s more to it than this. There’s a person out there, and they had a reason for killing Ma.”
“Even if that were true, isn’t it all the more reason to stay away? You should be thankful your own life was spared.”
I stare at her, coldness washing over me. “What is that supposed to mean?”
“Nothing,” she says quickly. “Only that I’m relieved you’re safe, and I want it to stay that way.”
“Because you think the curse on our family is real, don’t you?” My voice rises.
“Shae, calm down. I’m not saying…”
“Aren’t you though? What if this happened to your mother?” I’ve never raised my voice with Fiona before. Frustration and guilt twist inside me, gnawing at my heart.
A foreign emotion glimmers in Fiona’s eyes. “Don’t.” Her voice has gone flat. “Don’t talk like that. It’s dangerous.”
“You think I don’t know that? My mother was murdered!” My fists ball at my sides, the tips of my nails digging into my palms.
She gasps. Murder. It’s a forbidden word. I’ve thought it—many times over the past weeks. But never, ever, have I said it aloud. As soon as it’s out of my mouth, I wish I could take it back. It hangs in the air between us, ugly and invisible, and I shiver, suddenly feeling sick. Maybe she’s right.
Maybe I’m a danger to everyone—including her.
“I can’t do this anymore,” Fiona says into the stunned silence. “Not if you’re going to put me and my whole family at risk.”
I stammer. Words fail me completely. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean…”
“No, Shae. You did,” Fiona fires back. “You’re behaving like a petulant child. Is this how you thank us for everything we’ve done for you?” Her eyes are cold as she glares at me. I’ve never seen Fiona like this. I barely know how to react.
“I’m not trying to hurt anyone. I just—”
“Maybe not intentionally,” Fiona cuts me off. “But that’s your problem, Shae. You never think things through. You’re too insistent. Your anger is burning you alive. You’d set this whole town aflame with it. And I can’t stand by and watch it happen.”
My breath grinds out through my teeth. “If you want to sit this one out, fine. But don’t complain that I am doing what I think is right. There are things more important than meekly obeying the rules.”
“More important than your life? Your safety? Your happiness?” Her voice breaks. She looks like she’s going to cry, the unspoken question in the tremble of her voice, asking: More important than me?
“I need to know what really happened,” I say softly.
I turn away, darting into the darkness, and leave her behind.
* * *
The air is crisp and cold tonight. I hug my arms halfheartedly, for what little good it does. The chill distracts me only momentarily from my fight with Fiona.
Aster looks ghostly in the pale light of the full moon, its residents sleeping peacefully behind the darkened windows of their homes.
Anger crackles in my chest as Fiona’s words wind to the forefront of my mind. I’m cursed, and she knows somehow. I’m a danger to her. She doesn’t want me around. No one does.