“No one asked you to,” Carter said, gripping my hand tightly. “And I don’t know that we expected you to. But I know Joe—he hoped, Ox. Even if he never said anything, even if he turned into a broody Alpha asshole, he hoped. I know he did. So cut him some slack since you’ve moved on from—”
I sat up, knocking the two wolves off me. “Moved on?”
Kelly and Carter exchanged another one of their looks. “With Robbie,” Carter said slowly.
“There is nothing between me and Robbie. Sure, I mean, he kissed me—oh for fuck’s sake, stop growling. I told him no, okay? And he understands. It’s not like that between us. It won’t ever be. For me.”
“Because of Joe,” Carter said, far too smug.
I said, “Not because of Joe,” and they both grinned when they heard the lie.
“You need to fix this,” Carter said.
“You need to go fuck yourself,” I said.
Kelly squinted at me. “Does being an Alpha automatically make you a douchebag? Because between you and Joe—”
I punched him in the shoulder. Hard.
He laughed at me and pushed me back down so he could lie on me again. I didn’t fight it. I didn’t want to fight it.
Carter moved closer so his head was in the crook of my arm.
It didn’t feel like giving up. It felt green. The both of them.
I didn’t know what to do about Joe.
I said, “It’s not just him.”
They waited.
I tried to find the right words. “Robbie. It’s all of them. It’s the pack. They’re my tether.”
Silence.
Then Carter said, “Like it was for Dad.”
“That’s how it always was for him,” Kelly said. “Always pack.”
I touched their arms. Their shoulders. Their necks. Their faces. They leaned into the touch and all I thought was pack pack pack.
As the sun began to set, I asked, “Do you really think he knew?”
“Who?”
“Your dad. About me.”
“Yeah, Ox. We think he knew. I think maybe we all did.”
THEY DROPPED me back off at the shop.
Gordo was the only one still there.
It was strange seeing him sitting behind his desk again.
He said, “It was their idea.”
I snorted and leaned against the doorframe. “Throwing them under the bus?”
He shrugged. “They’ll survive.”
“How’s it feel? Being back.”
He ran his hands over my—his desk. “Like I’ve been gone too long.”
“Sounds about right.”
“Tanner let me back into my house. He had the keys.”
“We cleaned it. Once a month or so. Making sure it was good for when you came back.”
“Did you?”
“Yes.”
“You said when.”
“What?”
“You said when I came back. Not if.”
“Oh. I guess.”
“Did you think—”
I looked away. “Maybe. I hoped.”
Gordo cleared his throat. “It felt weird. Standing in there. Like I didn’t remember how I’d got there. Like I was dreaming.”
I knew about dreaming. “That’s how I feel anytime I step back into the old house. Like… I’m not awake. Like it’s not real. But it is. It’ll take some time. Before it’s real again for you.”
“Is it real for you?”
“Most of the time,” I said honestly.
We were quiet for a little while.
He said, “Joe patrols at night. For hours.”
“I know.”
He drummed his fingers on the desk. “Of course you would. Because you can feel it now. Like he can. Maybe even better. You knew, didn’t you? The second we stepped back into Green Creek.”
I nodded. “You touched your wards. To see that they were still up.”
“I don’t understand how this is possible.”
“I don’t either.” I didn’t know if we ever would. It seemed odd to be considered a strange thing in among people who could change into wolves on a whim.
“You need to talk to him.”
“Are you saying that as my friend? Or as his witch?”
He stiffened slightly. “Would it matter?”
“I don’t know.”
“What do you know?”
“I was yours first.” I smiled. “Though I think Mark would disagree with that.”
He glared at me.
I stared right back.
He looked away first. Then, “Then Joe probably would too.”
And he had me there. “For which one of us?” I countered.
“You going to fix this?” he asked, ignoring my question.
“You’ve been home for less than a week,” I said, “after three years. Things change.”
“We noticed.”
“Meaning?”
“Meaning we came back and you had your own pack. With people we didn’t know. It sucked, Ox.”
“I made do with what I had. You left us in pieces. I had to try and put us back together. You don’t get to blame us for anything. Not after what you did. All of you.”
“And you did good, kiddo,” he said. “It’s just going to take a while to get used to it all again. We don’t blame you, Ox. None of us do. You made the choices you had to, and no one can fault you for that.”
I almost believed him.
I TURNED down his offer for a ride.
I walked home.
Joe was waiting again in the shadows on the dirt road.
I couldn’t do this now. I’d already been through too much today.
I made to walk past him again and—
He reached out and grabbed my arm, stopping me.
His nostrils flared.
“My brothers,” he said. “And Gordo.”
I said nothing.
“You can’t do this,” he growled. “With them. And not with me. Not forever.”
“Not yet,” I spat out.
He let me go.
I didn’t look back as I walked away, though every step was harder than the one before it.
THAT NIGHT I ran along the edges of the territory, making sure we were safe.
Thomas said, You’re different, Ox. I don’t think even I know how different. It will be truly a sight to behold. And I, for one, can’t wait to see it.
My mother popped a soap bubble on my ear.
Somewhere on the other side of the territory, a wolf sang a song for all the forest to hear.
It was blue, everything about it was blue.
howled for you/always been mine
“HOW WOULD this work?” I asked Mark and Elizabeth. It was seven days since the others had returned, and one day before the full moon. We walked through the woods, brushing our hands against the trees, leaving our scent on the bark. They’d chosen not to shift, knowing I needed advice.
“What would that be?” Mark asked.
I rolled my eyes. “You know.”
“Maybe, but it helps to hear you say it,” Elizabeth said.