“I’d like to help, if you don’t mind,” Tau said.
“Kind of you. We’ll do it together.” Jabari stood. “I’ll let you know when we make the first trip over.”
“Do you think… Will they come back?”
“Don’t know. They don’t usually attack the same place, but they don’t usually raid with that large a force either. Not a good start to the new queen’s reign. It’s also…” Jabari’s hesitation was unusual. He was always certain. “When Aren reported to my mother, he told her they’d identified five hedeni tribes among the dead, but the tribes don’t raid together. They join forces in the Wrist out of necessity. It’s the front line of the war. In raids, though, the tribes go it alone.” Jabari shook his head. “I’ll never understand the savages. They’re separate races. They feud with each other. But, they also cooperate and… mix.” Jabari’s distaste dripped off the last word.
The Chosen had been surprised when they’d discovered the hedeni were several races of man, each with unique gifts. They’d been shocked to learn that the races mixed, polluting their bloodlines, risking those gifts. Some in the Sah priesthood preached that it was this profane behavior that caused the Goddess to curse them.
“They’re allying for raids now?” Tau asked.
“Let’s hope last night was unique.”
“From your lips,” Tau said, eliciting a nod from the Petty Noble.
Jabari reached over, placed his hands behind Tau’s head, and pulled him close. Their foreheads touched. “Whatever comes, we’re sword brothers. We’ll face our tests as the Chosen have always done, with sharp bronze.” He let go, slapped Tau playfully on the back of the neck, stood, and walked off toward the keep, whistling.
Tau prepared to leave. His body ached, but there was a nervous energy in him that wouldn’t let him rest, and as much as he didn’t feel like “playing sword,” he welcomed the distraction the exercise would give.
Groaning, he limbered up and pulled his blade free of its scabbard. He went through his forms, trying to be as perfect as possible, and, blinking sweat from his eyes, he made himself move faster and faster.
Tests, he thought, always tests. So much of Chosen culture revolved around fighting and tests, but he didn’t want to spend a cycle of his life at the Southern Ihashe Isikolo, sparring with other wood-headed brutes, just so they could all spend a tenth of their lives on the front lines of an unending war. He didn’t want to kill women and men he’d never met and, equally important, he didn’t want them to kill him.
He’d never even… Well, he shouldn’t imagine Zuri like that. He did, though. He did some nights, picture them married, behaving as married people might. Tau’s face felt hot, hotter than the sun’s heat seemed to merit.
Imagining would be all he’d ever get, if he went to war and couldn’t come back for six cycles plus one more for training. Seven cycles away, would Zuri even remember him? Even if she did, Ihashe weren’t known for making the best husbands, and after one battle and all the nightmares that had come with it, Tau could understand why. It didn’t mean he was about to forgive his mother for leaving them for a pretty-faced and soft-handed man from the Governor caste, but he couldn’t pretend he didn’t understand why she’d done it.
There was no love lost between Aren and Makena, his mother’s fancy husband, but the man did make his mother happy, and Tau didn’t want to begrudge her that. Being happy was all anyone wanted. He wanted to be happy. He thought he could be, if Zuri would have him.
He swung his dull practice sword harder, trying not to envy Makena. The man was several castes above Tau, and it always seemed like his life had been easy. He hadn’t even had to fight in the war or be made a Drudge. The lucky bastard passed his Ihashe testing but was injured badly enough to be dismissed. He was allowed to go back to his home to serve as an administrator instead of a warrior.
Of course, Aren didn’t think it was luck. He said the way Makena limped and the kind of break in his leg wasn’t the sort you got from training or a fall. It was, Tau had heard Aren say after a few drinks, the kind of injury a man got when he felt a crippled leg was a better thing than honorable service.
Tau swung for the neck of his pretend opponent. His father could look down on it all he liked, but the outcome didn’t seem so bad. Makena got to avoid the war and marry the woman he loved. As much as Tau admired his father, given a choice, he’d take Makena’s life.
Tau stumbled and almost fell as the realization hit him like a thrown rock. He did have a choice. His best friend was the umbusi’s second son. His mother and her husband were two of the umbusi’s chief administrators. So long as Tau passed the Ihashe test, he would have fulfilled his duty and could not be made a Drudge.
And if he happened to be horribly injured shortly after the test… well, that would be a shame. He’d have to come home to Kerem, his family… and Zuri.
Tau exhaled, releasing tension he’d held for so long he’d forgotten it was there. He had a plan that could solve all his problems, and the thought filled him with relief and peace. It didn’t last long.
Shame chased away the sense of calm he’d only just found. He was Aren Solarin’s son, and avoiding his duty through deceit and selfishness was beneath him. His father had taught him better. That should have been the end of it, but he remembered the young woman he’d murdered in Daba, and the shame lost its grip.
He would not kill women and men in a war with no end. He would not be part of the madness. Tau had a way out and, by the Goddess, he’d take it.
He thrust a lethal blow at an illusory enemy, imagining it to be the life he’d been expected to lead. “I’m done with killing!” he said.
“You killed someone?”
“Cek!” he swore, swinging round to see another face from his dreams.
It was Zuri.
COURAGE
Zuri? I-I didn’t…” He bowed his head, his face burning at the thoughts he’d just been having. “Apologies,” he said.
“No, I shouldn’t have startled you,” she said, her arched eyebrow letting him know that, startled or not, she had not expected to hear such language. “I was watching you train. You’re good.”
“You’re kind.” Tau sheathed his sword. He wanted to add that she was beautiful. He didn’t have the courage. “I’m not that good,” he said instead. “I just have the benefit of my father’s training. Jabari is better.” What made him say that? “I mean—”
Zuri raised a hand above her head, as if measuring a tall person. “He’s Noble,” she said. “Did you really kill someone?”
Tau went cold. “It was one of the hedeni.” He didn’t want to say more but was still recovering from the shock of it and couldn’t help but speak. “She was with two others. They tried to hurt a woman and child.”
“I’m prying—”
“It’s fine. I just…” Tau struggled to even out his emotions. “I killed her.”
“You were defending Chosen lives.”
“It doesn’t feel that way.”