“Damn straight.” Lee waved her fist in the air. “Like, let’s discuss people who say the word ‘fix’ when they mean ‘make.’ I had a guy in here ask me if I’d fix him a cup of coffee. I asked him if afterward, he’d like me to build him a cake or something.”
Sophia realized that the tension headache would probably require two hands as she put fingers to both of her temples and pressed. “Can we focus, please? Why are you mad at me?”
“The list is long and the reasons varied,” Lee began. “But presently, it’s because you enlisted my help to fix the water supply in Scotland. And please note that’s the proper use of the word fix. It means to repair.”
“It can also mean ‘dose’ such as a shot or an injection,” Sophia decided to argue. If she couldn’t beat them, she’d join them.
“I need you to focus, Sophia. We’re discussing the solution definition of fix, so stop with your drug obsession for a while.”
“You know me,” Sophia said dryly.
“I mean, you wouldn’t say, ‘hey go remedy me a cup of coffee,’ would you?” Lee asked and paused as though truly interested in Sophia’s answer.
When she didn’t supply one, Lee nodded, as if she’d gotten the reply she wanted. “Yeah, so the moral is to use words the way they were intended. We make coffee and fix water supplies, except me. I’m not doing anything to help you again so don’t even ask.”
Sophia held up the blue box from Ticker. “Oh, good. That’s not why I’m here.”
“Why did you bring special and rare ingredients from the Brownies? Who gave those to you?”
Sophia blinked at the assassin baker. “First, how do you know what they are? And unsurprisingly, I got them from a Brownie.”
Lee pointed at the box. “I know because I could smell it before you entered the shop. Why did you portal right in front of the door? You know that portals are supposed to be used on Roya Lane at the far end to preserve the flow of traffic.”
“I was deterred by an angry mob.” Sophia shook her head. “Can we stay on track?”
“There’s never any fun in that,” Lee argued, cutting her off. “Do you know where a train goes? Of course, you do because the track leads straight there. Talk about the worst type of getaway vehicle. If you want to have fun in life, you have to go off the tracks and off-road.”
“Is that quote a Lee original?”
She nodded. “You can borrow it, but I want credit. And royalties.”
“What sort of delusional world do you live in?” Sophia feigned seriousness.
“A good one,” Lee answered at once. “It used to be quiet. Then people found out that I could fix water supplies and whatnot. Now the phone won’t stop ringing.” Her face pinched suddenly. “Lee, help us, our well is poisoned. Hurry Lee, can you save the fish in the oceans? There was an oil spill. The calls are incessant.”
Sophia lowered her chin and let out a long breath meant to relax her. “So you’re mad at me because I painted you out to be a hero, and now you’re sought after for your skills. Is that right?”
“Exactly!”
“I thought we talked about this,” Sophia began. “Now you can charge a premium to save the world a little at a time, and it’s a win-win for everyone. You get to take advantage of people who have problems, and they get clean water and prosper.”
“I’ve had time to think about this, and there are a lot of problems with it. First, preserving the world at large and making it a better place goes against my core values. It contradicts the mission statement, which makes me look like a hypocrite.”
“What mission statement?”
Lee pointed at the back wall that was mostly covered in smoke stains and flour, but Sophia could make out a small sign with fairies dancing in the air around it. The sign read: Our mission is to change the world into something that benefits us.
“That’s your mission statement? And you put it right there for all your loyal customers to read?”
“It’s better than our last one, which was, ‘We put the ‘w’ in ‘qwality.’”
“How charming.” Sophia chuckled.
“Anyway, after I got to thinking about it, this ‘save the world’ business isn’t really for me even if I make lots of money because it goes against my other mission.”
“Which is?” Sophia had to ask.
“To diminish the population,” Lee replied proudly.
“Right.” Sophia drew out the word and shook her head.
“Then these losers who need clean water keep bugging me. Do you know how hard it is to sleep sixteen hours a day with the phone constantly ringing?”
“Have you tried turning it to silent?” Sophia offered.
Lee shook her head. “Then I’d miss the call from Portia De Rossi. I gave her my number years ago, and I’m still waiting for her to return the call.”
“Seems like a good use of your energy.”
“It is,” Lee stated. “Cat knows that when Portia calls, she’s getting kicked to the curb.”
“I admire your tenacity and unwavering devotion to this goal.”
“I’m a true inspiration,” Lee remarked plainly. “Anyway, it’s too much. Using my powers for good only sounded nice in theory.”
“Well, I think maybe you need some infrastructure to help you manage things because your talents can’t be kept all to yourself.” Sophia pulled a business card from the pocket of her cloak and offered it to Lee. “I recommend this guy. He could help you set up the business, possibly manage it for you and all you’d have to do is the bare minimum. So max profits and little work.”
“Now you’re talking my language.” Lee took the card but didn’t look at it. “My other, other motto is how to do the least amount of work to get the most amount of money.”
“You really should be teaching ethics classes,” Sophia joked.
“I really should.” Lee glanced at the card, and her face shifted with annoyance. “I know this guy. I’ve almost killed him several times. Why didn’t you say I should call King Rudolf Sweetwater and or get a lobotomy?”
“Because you would have rejected the idea right away,” Sophia stated. “But I can attest that he’s a surprisingly excellent business partner. It’s really strange, but I can’t imagine having gone into business with anyone else and having a better experience. It’s almost worth the headaches…”
“So you’re proposing that I bring him on board to manage the day-to-day of my new water treatment business?” Lee asked. “I’ll remind you that again this goes against my whole thing about taking out most people, not saving them.”
Sophia shook her head. “You’re simply giving them a fighting chance. The idiots and parasites of the world will filter through, and you can take them out with your assassin business. Think of this as a way to maximize both businesses. One keeps them alive, and the other gets to take them out.”
Lee ran her hand over her chin while thinking. “That’s pretty good. I mean, I do like children and want them to live. I also like people with a healthy level of sarcasm and a propensity to sticking it toward bullies. So I wouldn’t want anything to happen to them. I guess a more handpicked assassin approach is my style.”