‘I only say this because I remember being exactly the same way when I was her age. Exactly the same way. I think my parents were called in and told that they would have to move me if I didn’t stop the behaviour – they didn’t call it “acting out” then – and because the class below was full, they had to move me into the year above. Technically, they weren’t allowed to do that because it was a state school but they tried it and it worked. I had been bored and being properly challenged transformed my time at school.’
Logan and Bella never tell me things like this. What growing up was like. We kind of act like we’ve only known each other as adults. They both ask me questions about prison but not about before. They talk about their university years and beyond, but never before. If I ask, they change the subject. I didn’t know Logan got into trouble at school. And there was stuff going on at home when he was Betina’s age. There were arrests, a trial, their sister disappearing from their lives because she was in prison. It’d be miracle if that trauma didn’t come out in behaviour at school.
‘That’s a very interesting point but—’ Mrs Long begins.
‘But you’re going to dismiss it out of hand?’ I say. Again, calm citizen, not Prison Poppy. ‘My brother may have a point. It might be the answer to the problem and you’re not going to even explore it?’
‘We wanted to know how she was feeling emotionally, if the disruption at home was behind the recent troubles. We would be remiss in our safeguarding duties if we didn’t start this conversation.’
‘“Safeguarding”?’ Every single one of my hackles is raised. Every. Single. One. What is she talking about that for? What is she implying? Does she think I harm my child? ‘I haven’t done anything to hurt my child. What are you saying?’
‘No one is accusing you of—’
‘That’s what it sounds like. You’re saying I’m harming my child. I haven’t done anything to her. Me and her dad aren’t together right now, no, but they see each other almost every day. Every day. That’s more than most children who have two parents that work outside of the home. She loves her dad and the days she doesn’t see him she talks to him on the phone or video call. There’s never a time when she wants to see or speak to him that she doesn’t. I’m not harming her at all.’
‘No one is—’
‘Do you know how difficult it is to get by without feeling like a failure? Do either of you have children? Especially ones who are constantly asking you questions and wanting you to explain things to them? Things that you haven’t a hope of understanding, let alone explaining, without spending a lot of time in the library or on the internet? I mean, the World Wide Web. Because they’re two separate things, did you know that? Betina told me. She said someone created the World Wide Web and built it on top of the internet, which already existed. Did you know that? I didn’t. Not until my seven-year-old told me. And every time I use those words interchangeably, she picks me up on it. That’s how bright she is.
‘And she wouldn’t be telling me things like that if she felt scared or unsafe. She’s full of those kinds of facts. You know, when she was four – four, so not even at school yet – she told me all about this creature called a Uviss. It was scaly like an armadillo but had a long nose like an anteater and ears like a cat. But it was a vegetarian and despite its short legs, it was always trying to climb trees. She told me all these details about this creature and I was so impressed that I told all the people I worked with. Described it exactly like she did. And I can see by the looks on your faces that you’ve never heard of a Uviss. Well, guess what? She made it all up. All that detail, and it was a creature from her imagination. That’s what I’m dealing with. Someone who is always a million steps ahead. And you’ve had her for years. You should have noticed how bright she is and you should have been thinking about putting her up a year. Why is it up to my brother to teach you your job? Why haven’t you even considered she might be bored instead of trying to criminalise her and make her the victim of a bad single mother? Huh?’
Alarmed faces greet me when I stop talking.
Logan leans over and puts his hand on my arm. ‘That’ll do, Pops, that’ll do,’ he says carefully.
From my head to my toes a wave of embarrassment crashes over me, leaving me a hot, red, glowing mess. What an idiot. What an absolute idiot. I shouldn’t have been worried about being arrested, I should have thought about being a complete fool in public.
‘I think we’re agreed that we should try Betina in a new class before we decide if there are other, deeper issues we should be concerned about or investigating,’ Logan says. ‘Yes?’
‘Yes,’ Mrs Long readily agrees. Her green eyes keep darting towards me then snatching themselves away in case they stay on me too long and cause another outburst. ‘I think that might be a good idea.’
I want to make Miss Glasbern feel OK about Betina moving, I want to say that Betina loves being in her class, she adores her as a form teacher, but, overall, I think it’s best that I keep my mouth shut.
Mrs Long shakes our hands at the door to her office. I smile and don’t speak, Logan thanks them for their time and says he looks forward to hearing good things about the upcoming move.
Logan does well to keep it together until we’re on the pavement, heading quickly away from the school before he cracks up. He stops and bends double, his hands resting on his thighs while his laughter spills out of him like a flood. The happy sound lights up everything around him. It wasn’t that funny. Behind him, the light shimmers and I can see Tina doing exactly the same thing, clutching her middle, giggling her head off. I wish she was really here. She would have come with me, she would have been as good as Logan at standing up for me and Betina. Or would she have done what she was always trying to do: make me stand up for myself? Rescue myself. And I suppose I did do that in the end. When pushed, I did step up and step in.
I watch my brother and my dead best friend laugh at my outburst, my going the Complete Carlisle. I watch and my horror melts, dissolves into light titters, then fuller-bodied giggles and finally into full-on laughs.
‘I am ridiculous,’ I say between laughs.
‘Yeah, you are!’ Logan and Tina say at the same time between gaps in their mirth. ‘Yeah, you are!’
While Logan eventually straightens up, composes himself, Tina keeps on laughing. Her laughter elongates my giggles. ‘Come on,’ Logan says, ‘let’s swing by Bella’s and grab her up. She needs a break. We can all go for a long lunch.’
‘No, no, I need to get to work.’
‘Nonsense,’ he replies. ‘A few hours off won’t hurt any of us and I have to do your face and your hands when I tell her about this. It won’t work without the face and hands.’
I still hesitate. I really do have so much work to do. I still always want to do my very best to prove that I can do this job and I can continue to make a success of this business. Raymond’s business was solid, but under me it’s thriving. I have expanded it, extended it, made it a business that people know and trust. I can’t ever slack off from that.
‘Life is short,’ Logan proclaims. ‘And as you know, it isn’t actually that short. We want to spend as much time together as we can, don’t we?’