All right. That felt better. I didn’t realise I needed to hear that, but now that I had, I could go without wondering if he’d just changed his mind because of how I looked or something I’d unintentionally done.
I nodded and felt momentarily adrift and lost when he stepped away, almost as though for those microseconds his lust, the curl of his body around mine was all that had been holding me up.
‘I’ll see you in the morning,’ he said in his Mr Palmer voice. ‘Bright and early for breakfast before the day’s sessions.’
‘Yes, sir,’ I couldn’t help myself saying. ‘See you in the morning.’
And we both knew that would be the last time we talked about this moment of craziness.
Now
Obviously, now that I’m in this situation, it’s him who has to appear.
Mr Palmer places his briefcase on the table and doesn’t move towards it. Instead, he pulls out the seat opposite me, sits down and stares at me. He’s waiting for me to speak. To say something.
It’s been nearly two years since our encounter at the conference. He has been nothing but professional ever since. No one would ever guess what happened and almost happened between us in that room. He’s waiting for me to speak, but I’m not going to speak to Mr Palmer. Or anyone. I am staying silent, no matter what.
‘When I heard what happened, I offered to come down to see you and represent you, Verity,’ Mr Palmer eventually says. He’s obviously guessed I am not speaking. He pushes his tan, soft leather briefcase to the side and sits back in his seat. ‘I’m not going to take any notes right now because I want nothing on record.’
I remain silent, wary.
‘You’re in a lot of trouble,’ he states as though I don’t know. ‘I’m going to do my best to help you. But you have to tell me everything. And when I say that, I mean everything.’
I must shake my head because he says sternly, ‘Yes, Verity, everything. Staying silent with the police is one thing. Staying silent with me is another. The only way I am going to be able to get you out of this is if you tell me everything. Everything.’ He opens his hands again, to reiterate he’s taking no notes but we have the solicitor and client bond in place, so he won’t repeat what I tell him.
As recently as two months ago, when things were dire with Logan, I wondered what my life would have been like if I had fucked Mr Palmer in that hotel room. I wondered if my life would have been less complicated when, at the time, he seemed to be the complicated option.
‘I don’t know where to begin,’ I say.
‘Anywhere. Just tell me, Verity. Just talk to me.’
serena
Now
‘I’ve advised Verity to not say anything in any of the interviews,’ Mr Palmer says to us when he exits the police station. I couldn’t stay in there so we’ve been waiting outside. ‘I’ll be with her for every one of them, but I’ve told her to remain silent.’
‘But doesn’t that make her look guilty?’ Evan asks. My husband has no idea. He has no idea that, innocent or guilty, once you’re in there, everyone thinks you’re guilty. Everyone treats you like you’re guilty. You start to believe you’re guilty. Innocent until proven guilty is just a nice thing to trot out for the people who are unlikely to find out the actual truth of being arrested and accused.
Mr Palmer’s impassive face sags a little for a moment, just a moment, but it’s enough. It’s enough to tell me that he knows something – lots of things – that we don’t know. It’s enough to tell me that he thinks she’s going to go down for this and he’s desperately trying to work out how to help her.
When he pulls himself together again, he keeps his focus on Evan. Even though I am the one standing directly in front of him, even though I was the one he was offering comfort to before he went to speak to her, it is Evan he feels comfortable looking at.
‘It simply means that, for now, while the police are still gathering evidence, every time they speak to her, she needs to keep her thoughts and reactions to herself. What they are doing when they initially speak to you is trying to get you to lay down your main story. What will form part of your defence. They want you to tell them something that they can prove is a lie. From there, they can cast doubt on everything you say so when it gets to court, they can point to your story and say, “this is a lie, this is a lie and this is a lie”. And believe me, they can find the lie in every single word, no matter how innocent or “true” it might seem. Verity needs to keep quiet because whatever you say the first time around is usually what they can use to convict you. It’s the best way forward right now.
‘I’m going back in now; I need to speak to her again before the interviews start. Try not to worry.’
Mr Palmer is avoiding looking at me. For the whole time he talks to us up until he leaves, he does not look in my direction. And I know why: it’s because he thinks she’s in this situation because of me.
verity
Now
‘Do you understand that no matter what the police officers say, no matter what they dredge up, you are not to say a word?’
I nod.
‘It’s late, Verity, they’re going to keep going at it as late as possible because they think it will make you trip up. Stay silent and try not to react too much to whatever they say.’
I nod again.
He has his yellow, lined legal pad in front of him and stares at it for long seconds. Then he gets to his feet and paces the room for a few seconds. ‘I should have done something,’ he suddenly declares. He’s agitated, openly upset. ‘I saw what was going on, but I kept telling myself it was none of my business because of what happened between us.’
‘What do you mean?’ I reply.
‘I’ve watched you disintegrate over the last year. You’ve changed from a vibrant, happy young woman with time for a kind word for everyone around to someone who seems so burdened, isolated and very much broken.’
I can’t quite believe he has said that. About me of all people. I’m no party animal, never have been, but ‘burdened’, ‘isolated’, ‘very much broken’. Those are strong things to level at someone. Especially me. ‘Me? Have you met me?’
‘Of course I’ve met you, Verity. Which is why I can quite confidently say that. I’ve kept an eye on you from a distance because I know you’re capable of great things. But I saw the change in you. It was slow, but definite,’ he replies. ‘I’m sure all of your family have seen it, too. And your friends, those that you have left. But no one wants to interfere in these situations. I certainly didn’t because of the Leeds incident. I kept convincing myself that I was paying too much attention to you because of those few moments of madness. I can’t speak for your parents, but they probably don’t see you enough so don’t want to upset you by asking leading questions. Or asking you why you’ve changed so much.’
‘Are you saying it was because of my being with Logan?’
He stays silent, but his expression is one hundred per cent saying: ‘Obviously.’
‘But I love Logan; I was happy with him.’