16 September, 2019
I miss her. The her I met all those months ago. When we were working together and nothing had happened. I remember how happy she was when I told her I had tickets to see that science guy she’s so keen on. She threw her arms around me and squealed. That was the happiest I’d seen her. That night, the science guy night, was the first time I kissed her. The first time I took her to bed. Didn’t think I could be happier. I remember the feel of her underneath me, the look in her eyes. I had completely fallen for her by then. I like to think she’d fallen for me, but with some of the things she does, I have to wonder if she does love me. If she even likes me.
21 September, 2019
Life and love are good. Totally loved up. Totally blissed out.
9 October, 2019
She did it again. It’s like the conversation we had about her not having sex with me when I was asleep didn’t happen. Woke up to find her mouth on me again. Wasn’t going to tolerate it this time. I tried to push her off and she just wouldn’t stop. She was determined not to stop, she kept at me, almost holding me down until it was over. I kind of went weak. Couldn’t fight her off. And when I tried to say something afterwards she said she had evidence that I’d enjoyed it. And who would believe me? Don’t know what to do about this. Just don’t know. But I can’t leave her. If I can’t leave her, does that mean I have to put up with my body not being my own for ever?
17 November, 2019
Another day, another argument. Why can’t she see that her brother is going to get her in trouble? Came over and he’d obviously been there Monday night. Smoking weed with his loser mates. I told her that it wasn’t great, especially when she’s so desperate to be a solicitor and get a job at her firm. But she got all defensive and threatened to kick me out. She kind of conceded my point in the end. Or so I thought. Guess what happened last night? Full sex, no choice, just woke up to her doing it to me. Felt so much like a punishment. I speak up, she does that to me. Wish my body would stop responding to her at those times.
24 January, 2020
She screamed at me today. Was trying to talk to her about her friend, the one who is all drama and never seems to be there for her. I mean, I’ve never known her call her friend just to vent. And she got so mad she shoved my head away from her. It was hard, but more than that, it was the viciousness of the action that felt more violent. She does get so annoyed sometimes that I am scared of her. Wish she’d understand that I only want what’s best for her.
16 February, 2020
Think she’s shagging someone else. Well, not someone else. Her ‘friend’ Howie. Always knew there was something dodgy about him, about their relationship. Came over and they’d been together. They were dressed, but there was an atmosphere in the air. Intimacy. Maybe they hadn’t had sex, but something had happened, a line had been crossed. He got all uppity and cross when I arrived. Maybe he’d been working his way up to fucking her. I don’t know, I feel so jealous but at the same time a little bit relieved that I haven’t been going crazy all this time. She and Howie aren’t as innocent and ‘friendly’ as she likes to pretend. Bit of a scuffle on the way out, thought he was going to pulverise me. She got rid of him, then she turned on me. Think she was upset cos I came back unannounced. She shoved me and threw me out. Told me to do one. I hung around for ages outside to see if ‘Howie’ came back but he didn’t. That’s something, I suppose. Don’t know what to do, though. She’s my world.
19 February, 2020
Hot on the heels of the Howie thing is her not wanting to tell anyone. I want it to be out there. Want everyone to know so I can, I don’t know, claim her as my own. So she’ll claim me. I know there’ll be fallout, but everyone will understand in the end. They’ll see how much we love each other and they won’t care. They’ll be happy for us.
28 February, 2020
Found texts from Howie. He’s clearly in love with her. His girlfriend is suspicious and wants to kick him out if he won’t stop seeing her. Wish I could get the image of them out of my head.
5 March, 2020
Can’t find the words to describe this. She’s implying that I did to her what she’s been doing to me. We’ve talked about stopping condoms, we’ve talked and talked and we agreed we would. And then the first time we did it without a condom she says it’s not what she wanted. That I’ve forced myself on her. I’m so confused. We agreed not to use them. We agreed to at this stage of our relationship. And now she’s saying these terrible things. What if she tells someone? They’ll think I’m a beast. And they won’t believe me when I say she’s had sex with me against my will. They’ll think I’m being pathetic. I’m stuck. I’m so stuck.
7 March, 2020
It’s all right now. It was a misunderstanding. She doesn’t think I forced myself on her. She’s fine with it now. Feel so much better. And she’s going to stop with the other stuff. She’s going to check with me, make sure I’m awake before she does anything.
21 March, 2020
I hurt all over. Every part of me. Can’t believe she’s done this. Can’t believe it’s gone this far. And then she did that afterwards. She used my body against me. In so much pain. So much pain. Wish I didn’t love her.
25 March, 2020
Something’s going to happen soon. I can feel it. Everything’s going to come to a head. I hope there isn’t too much fallout.
26 March, 2020
She’s my life. I keep reminding myself that she is everything to me. I don’t know how I managed to get here, get myself into this situation where she is all I can think about, but she is. Is it going to work out? I hope so. I want to be with her for ever. I want to be her BAE. Not sure if she feels the same.
28 March, 2020
What do I do when she won’t stop doing it? And now it feels like the hitting – all accidental, of course – is happening more often, too. I’m so confused. So confused.
19 April, 2020
Think if we have a proper conversation about settling down, it might help things. I’m going to sit her down and tell her I love her. Tell her she’s all that I want and we can work things out. I don’t like ultimatums, but think I may need to give her one.
20 April, 2020
Didn’t quite go as expected. She doesn’t want to split up but she doesn’t want to settle down or tell anyone about us. I’m stuck here. She says we should separate for a while and come back together to talk things through. But . . . we should split up. Maybe some distance would be good for me. Clear my head. Reading back over these pages I see how broken I am. The sex thing. How am I going to trust another woman after this one has crossed so many boundaries? I get nervous going to sleep around her. But I can’t really sleep without her. This is so complex. So complicated. What do I do? What do I do?
poppy
Now
‘I’m sorry, Logan.’
I am sitting at my brother’s bedside and I am apologising for what he went through. It’s because of me. He got involved with her because of me and he paid the price. He’s the victim of a crime, he could be a target for another attack, so he has been assigned a room on his own. Which is good. Because what I need to say to him needs to be said when we’re alone.