When I said no for a final time, he lost it. He started screaming at me that I had wasted his time, that I’d used him. That he’d been a convenient dick for me who serviced me as well as tidying up my flat and basically anything else I ordered him to do.
I was really shocked. I’d never heard or seen him like that before, I was genuinely scared of him. I asked him to calm down, which made him even worse. He wouldn’t stop shouting so I said I was leaving. He said I wasn’t going anywhere until he’d . . . until he’d serviced me like I’d forced him to do for the past year.
I was terrified at this point, and tried to run for it and he lashed out. I don’t think he was trying to hit me, I think he was just trying to stop me leaving but his hand caught my cheek. I was horrified. I grabbed my cheek and just stood there looking at him, shocked. My eyes started watering from being hit like that and he started saying I was going to dox him, I was going to lie about him and tell everyone he hit me. I wouldn’t do that, I didn’t do that. I said no and that I was leaving and he came up to me, asking for a hug.
I didn’t want to hug him but with Logan, giving in is often the best way to get something out of the way. I gave him the hug he wanted and before I knew it he was trying it on. He was trying to undress me and get his hands inside my clothes. I tried to get out of his hold and that was when it all went horribly wrong, he just turned and grabbed my throat.
I thought I’d been scared before, but now I really was because he had me completely by the throat and he felt really strong. It felt like all it would take was one jerk and he’d kill me. I started trying to get his hand off me and I was clawing and scratching anything I could to get him off.
He was trying to get inside my clothes again as well and I thought . . . I thought he was going to r— well, you know, I thought he was going to do that and kill me by accident. Except it wouldn’t be a complete accident, it’d just be a side effect – I suppose that’s the word – of trying to sexually assault me.
I was flailing around, trying to grab something to get him off me and then I felt my award. It sits on my mantelpiece and I’ve mostly forgotten it was there. I just grabbed it and swung. I think I only glanced a little bit of his head the first time, but his grip loosened a tiny bit. So I swung again and this time it caught him full on the side of the head. He let me go and staggered back and then he tripped over his own feet and stumbled and sort of head-butted the fireplace and smacked his head on the hearth as he went down. He was just out cold in front of me.
I was still shaking and crying from what he’d tried to do and him almost strangling me. When I’d calmed down, I tried calling him a few times but he didn’t move. And then I cautiously shook him and he still didn’t move. I was trembling too much to check his pulse but he didn’t seem to be breathing. I thought I’d killed him and I just panicked.
I ran away. I know I should have called an ambulance or something but I was just so scared. I really thought he was dead. When I got home, I texted Howie. I knew he’d help me. He has keys to my flat because . . . because he needs somewhere he can go if things get too much. So I asked him to help me. He said he’d go over to check if Logan was alive. If he wasn’t, he’d go out and call the police anonymously. If he was, then he’d patch him up and send him home.
I didn’t hear from Howie again and then Logan just turned up at the party. When he was ranting at me earlier on, he’d told me he’d found out the venue of the party by going to Mum’s work and asking various people about it. I mean, that’s some crazy stuff to do. And that was why I knew I couldn’t trust him to come to the party and have everything be all right.
That’s what happened. I know I shouldn’t have just left him there after he was hurt, but I was really scared. Just really scared.
Part 12
verity
Now
‘Miss Gillmare, in the light of new evidence that we have received and with Mr Carlisle waking up, we are today questioning you about your involvement in his attack.’ DI Brosnin states.
‘I didn’t attack him,’ I say quietly. ‘As I already explained to you earlier, it wasn’t an attack.’
I have to talk now. Darryl and I have agreed that now Logan is awake and there is still no sign of Howie, and Logan is telling them these stories about me, I have to talk. I have no alternative. It’s going to look bad enough when it comes to court, but if I don’t speak now it’s going to be fatal.
‘What would you say you did then?’ she asks. ‘Because from what Mr Carlisle has told us and from the evidence he has produced, this sounds like the end result of a pattern of abusive behaviour that you have been perpetrating over the last year of your relationship.’
‘I don’t know what evidence you have because I didn’t abuse him. I’m not abusive. There was no abuse in our relationship. Not from me, anyway.’
DI Brosnin nods her head thoughtfully. None of us around this table believe for one second that she’s listening to me in the sense of she’s taking in and understanding the words I’m saying. We all know that she is merely listening to the words so she can dismantle them and refashion them into more weapons to use against me.
‘Are you implying that Mr Carlisle was abusive towards you?’
‘No. But when I tell people what it was like they all seem to suggest that he was abusive.’
‘But you don’t think he was?’
‘I don’t know. I’m very confused about it.’ Darryl is not happy. I can feel his body beside me tensing up with every word I utter. I am saying things that can and will be used against me. If I’m not careful, I’m going to talk my way into a longer prison sentence. ‘But I’m not confused about whether I was abusive towards him or not. I wasn’t. I wouldn’t be. I don’t know why he’s saying I was.’
‘How many times did you hit Mr Carlisle over the course of your relationship, Miss Gillmare?’
‘None. I didn’t hit him.’
‘Keeping in mind the fact that we have evidence as well as Mr Carlisle’s statement, can I ask you again – how many times have you hit Mr Carlisle?’
‘None,’ I repeat. I’m not sure what evidence they have but I didn’t do that. ‘I wouldn’t do that.’
DI Brosnin stares at me while she nods at her colleague. He, in response, opens the beige cover of the folder in front of him to reveal a small black tape recorder.
‘Let me ask you again, Miss Gillmare, how many times did you hit Mr Carlisle during the course of your relationship?’
‘I believe my client has answered that question,’ Darryl says. There’s a distinct note of wariness in his voice, probably only audible to those who know him. ‘Can we move on?’
DI Brosnin pulls a ‘you asked for it’ face and says, ‘We managed to recover this message you left on Mr Carlisle’s phone.’ She nods again to the detective sergeant next to her and he presses play on the recorder.
‘Logan, hello. It’s me. Are you OK? You left in such a grump, I didn’t get a chance to say sorry. You were kind of asking for it, but I didn’t mean to hit you like that, it was—’ The tape becomes fuzzy, my voice inaudible as the recording whirrs on. It continues to spew whiteish noise until, ‘Look, call,’ can be barely heard. And then, slightly clearer, ‘I’lI say sorry properly again. Bye-bye, love you.’