“No, I was.” He lifted a shoulder. “Only it isn’t why you think.”
“I know exactly why.” She crossed her arms over her chest.
“I’m so glad you understand,” he replied, appearing visibly relieved.
She stepped closer, brutally aware of how many eyes would be on them if she went too near. “You used me. You feigned friendship to obtain the skills necessary to become popular among the ton. Now that you’ve achieved your goal, you have no need for me.”
He gaped at her. “No, you have it all wrong.”
She scoffed. “I don’t think I do.”
“Come outside with me a moment and allow me to explain,” he replied. “I do not want to speak in here, not with such gossips in proximity.”
No doubt, he didn’t want people to know exactly how immoral he was in his pursuit of an elevated reputation. Suddenly, she was immensely pleased she had placed Lady Alison at the top of the list. The two so richly deserved one another.
“Please, Hannah,” he said softly.
She sucked in a sharp breath and glanced around to confirm no one had witnessed him calling her by her Christian name.
“Very well,” she agreed. “But only for a moment. I’ll go first. You follow.” Without waiting for him to respond, she turned on her heel and left him standing where she had cornered him.
Whatever he had to say ought to be entertaining if nothing else. How did he truly plan to justify his actions after he had used her through feigned friendship?
It took Lucien slightly longer than anticipated to join Hannah on the terrace. The night was as cold as the last time he had been alone at night with Hannah, and it made the memory of her so rich in his mind that he could not help but relive the moment in his imagination.
The sweet scent of her, the intoxicating taste of her lips, the desperation for so much more than a kiss, the simple intimacy. He enjoyed her company immensely and hated the week they had spent apart.
Even returning the book that she’d sent over with her card unopened had required exceptional willpower. He’d held that letter for the better part of a day, even trying to stare through the heavy cardstock to read the words inside without opening it and breaking the seal.
No matter how much he wanted to keep the gift and read the note, to do so would only encourage her friendship further. It was better to break off his acquaintanceship with her.
For her sake.
Except that the open hurt in her eyes, the way it left a slight tremor in her voice, cut him to the quick. He realized he had to be honest with her, not only about what her father had said to him but about his feelings for her.
Lucien’s attempts to reach the other side of the room to the terrace doors were met with constant interruption. Half of them were women whose names graced that damned list Hannah had penned in her careful script for him. All of them were women he decidedly did not want.
However, the more he tried to get away, the more they seemed to chase him down, almost desperate in their need for his undivided attention. When at last he pushed onto the terrace, Hannah was standing in front of the door, her hand reaching for the latch to open it and return inside.
She backed up, slightly startled. “I didn’t think you were going to come.”
“Forgive me,” he replied. “I was detained.”
Her arms were crossed over her chest and the breath fogged from her in frozen puffs. Lucien immediately took his jacket off and placed it around her shoulders, guiding her toward a corner with a wall that would buffet the wind from them.
“Too many adoring women?” she asked through chattering teeth.
“You’re freezing. We ought to return inside.”
“No.” She gazed up at him, her mouth hard with a stubbornness that made him want to kiss them soft again. “I want this resolved.”
Lucien sighed, noting the welcome scent of her perfume on his inhale. “Have you spoken to your father?”
She frowned. “My father? What does he have to do with this?”
Unease clenched low in Lucien’s belly. Lord Westwich had not divulged the details of their conversation with Hannah. However, if Lucien had to choose between Westwich and Hannah’s loyalty, he would choose Hannah. Without thought, prevarication or hesitation. Always.
“My constant presence at your side is preventing suitors from pursuing you,” Lucien explained.
Hannah stared at him for a long moment as his words settled over her.
“Are you serious?” she asked.
“Of course, I am.”
Her gaze narrowed. “My father told you this, didn’t he?”
Lucien didn’t reply.
“Was this my father’s doing?” Her eyes flashed with a deep anger Lucien had never seen before.
“I don’t want to keep you from being approached by suitors, Hannah. I won’t let you sacrifice your future for mine.”
She continued to stare up at him, her expression one of bewilderment. “What suitors?”
“Precisely,” he replied. “Haven’t you noticed that no other men have even so much as asked you to dance in the time you’ve been helping me?”
“None of that matters.” Her chin tilted with indignation. “I told you I have no plans to marry.”
“I’m aware of this,” he replied. “Though I’m not sure your father knows this, nor that he would support your decision.”
“Of course, he wouldn’t support it.” Hannah turned away from him. Her shoulders squared with rage beneath the outline of his jacket. “He and my mother both think I deserve the sort of love they discovered with one another.”
Lucien approached cautiously and set his hands on Hannah’s shoulders. He wanted to grasp them and turn her back around toward him, to kiss her beneath the wide, open face of the moon until they were both breathless.
Now, he realized. He needed to tell her what she meant to him now.
“You do deserve that,” Lucien said gently.
“No one believes that except my parents.” She shook her head. “Least of all me.”
“You might meet someone…a man who makes you come alive, who makes you feel like you are perfect exactly as you are,” he said, speaking of himself and how he felt about her.
“Do you know why I want to be a spinster?”
“No, though I can’t imagine a woman of your radiance ever being a spinster,” he confessed. His heart pounded in anticipation for sharing with her exactly how beautiful he thought her to be. Not only her vibrance, but her wit, her appearance, her kindness and how desperately he wished she might consider being courted by him.
“My radiance,” she repeated the word with unexpected cynicism. “I know my deficiencies, Lucien. I am too loud, too talkative, too much in general. I’m a hoyden.”
He opened his mouth to protest, but she shook her head, stopping him. “I know what people say about me. My head is not thrust into the sand. I am the woman who is there to aid anyone requiring assistance. I’m kind.” She threw the last word as if it was derogatory. “I’m not the woman men see and think of as a wife and a mother. I’m the woman men know will help when asked. In the years since my debut, I’ve been a dance partner for a man who could scarcely identify a beat for a quadrille. I’ve offered advice on a coming out ball for another man’s sister.”