He makes a sound that’s nearly a moan. “Give me a few moments and . . .”
“A bath.” I kiss his brows. “Nice long hot soak. Then a snack and a cuddle.” I can barely move, but we’re due for a crash, and I don’t want to experience it alone. I don’t want him to experience it alone. “How does that sound?”
Bram’s arms tighten around me, and then he seems to make an effort to ease his hold. “That sounds good, Grace. Really, really good.”
We manage to stagger to the bathroom and get the water running, though we barely last a few minutes before Bram is snoring softly, his head leaned back and his throat exposed. It was such a short time ago that he handed me a knife and pressed it to his throat, and now he bares the same vulnerability to me, but it feels like trust instead of a dare.
I wake Bram up and we muddle through drying off and stumbling to bed. He doesn’t hesitate to wrap a big arm around my waist and tuck me in against his body. I probably shouldn’t read into the fact that he falls asleep almost immediately, once again trusting me not to take advantage of his vulnerability.
I . . . like him. I don’t know why that’s such a revelation. I already knew I understood him. I just didn’t expect to like him so much, even though part of me recognizes an identical part of him. I don’t know what it means. Maybe it shouldn’t mean anything at all.
I just don’t know.
16
GRACE
I don’t know why I keep putting myself in this position. I knew last night was a mistake before I ever left the castle. If some large part of me relished the chase, knowing I wouldn’t escape . . . I don’t know what to say to that. I wanted an excuse to be in Bram’s bed, to truly explore everything he has to offer. I don’t know what it says about me that I needed an excuse. If I wanted him, I should’ve been able to take him. But that’s not how I operate.
I am a Jaeger.
We don’t die of old age, and we are all too aware of the possibility of monsters wearing human skin. Sex makes everyone vulnerable—you’re not protecting your throat when you’re in the heart of an orgasm. Several members of my extended family were taken out like that. My mother called it a lesson to be heeded. She liked to make lessons out of a lot of things.
Pleasure is a lie. Happiness is fleeting. In the end, all we have is family.
I don’t even have that anymore.
What I’m left with are questions I’m starting to wonder if I’ll ever get answers to. Oh, I believe Azazel and Ramanu when they claim they will give me the answers I seek. That’s the problem, though. They might be able to tell me how my mother died and what she bargained for, but even if I know the terms of the deal she made with Azazel, will I know why?
It’s the why that haunts me. She gave no indication of her plans. One day she was there, and the next she was simply gone, never to return. It wasn’t for money. We have plenty of that, thanks to some clever investments made by my grandfather. It was all for . . . That’s the thing. Nothing actually changed. It’s not like she gave her life and we have something to show for it. She disappeared, leaving a gaping hole behind her. I want to know why, and I’m not sure I’ll ever have that answer.
I certainly won’t find it in Bram’s bed.
And yet I can’t quite make myself move. He’s a warm presence at my side, with one heavy arm draped over my torso. It feels . . . nice. I’m sore but pleasantly so. His steady breathing soothes something in me; it’s a sensation similar to when I stand on the beach and listen to the tide come in. I could live like this. I could spend the next seven years playing games with this man and ending up in his bed over and over. I could ride out my time until the bargainer demons share the information I came here to find.
It’s shocking how tempting that is. If I just give in and stop fighting, maybe I’ll get a little peace. The problem is that I don’t know how to stop fighting. I’ve been doing it my entire life. Now that I’m the last Jaeger left, happily sharing the bed of a monster feels like a betrayal. It doesn’t matter that none of the relatives whose opinion I valued would classify Bram as an actual monster. Not when he cares so much, is so willing to let me take the lead, and ensures that I am right there with him every step of the way.
But old habits die hard. I don’t know how to just relax and enjoy this. I keep waiting for the bad thing to happen, even if I don’t know what that bad thing is in this situation.
“Will we be fighting today or fucking . . . or both?”
I jolt. I hadn’t even realized he was awake. His breathing certainly didn’t change and give me any indication. Then his words penetrate. Both? “This will never work. I need answers, and you need a baby. We’re both destined for disappointment.”
“Most likely.” He agrees so damned easily that it irks me. I know Bram cares deeply about his people; if he didn’t, he would just leave them to the inevitable civil war that would occur upon his passing. How can he care so much and yet be so defeatist?
I didn’t realize I spoke out loud until he answers me. He pulls me closer and tucks his face against my throat. “It’s easy. When life kicks you in the teeth enough times, you learn to expect it. If I were any smarter, I would’ve given up fighting by now. Maybe I would have some peace then.”
Every time he says shit like this, my heart feels like it’s twisting in my chest. I dig my fingers into his hair and pull until he lifts his face and meets my gaze. “Stop that. If you were going to give up, you would’ve done it by now. You obviously have no intention of doing so, so stop with the dramatics.”
“You call me dramatic?” His lips curve, but his eyes stay oh so serious. “You’re the one who keeps fleeing into the night, chasing . . . I honestly don’t even know what you’re chasing at this point. What will it matter if you get answers now or in seven years? Will it change anything?”
I hate him a little bit for the question. Because he’s right yet also so far off the mark that I want to set something on fire. “You can’t honestly expect me to sit around and play with you for seven years when I know there are answers within reach.”
“I don’t.” He sits up, easily breaking my hold on him. Truth be told, I don’t try very hard to maintain it. Bram climbs off the bed and shakes out his wings with a snap. His aura is a deep ocean blue of contentment. I don’t know what it says about me that I feel a shiver of satisfaction knowing I am partially responsible. It won’t last—contentment never does. But it’s there right now, and that feels like it means something.
I just don’t know what.
Bram keeps speaking, oblivious to my strange thoughts. “Which is why I made a bargain with you the first night. You won’t be able to help yourself; the pull of the answers is too strong for you to ignore.” He gives me a long look. “But you weren’t thinking about answers last night.”
No, I really wasn’t. All I was thinking about was where he would touch me next, kiss me next. Even now, with him standing a safe distance away, I’m achingly aware of the fact that I’m naked in his bed. It would be so easy to . . .