“I should, though, shouldn’t I? I’m sorry,” I said. “You looked familiar to me the instant I saw you, but then I thought it was just your gray eyes.”
“It probably was. People tend to remember them. Big girl with gray eyes. You catch a glance and move on because of the big part, but you never fully move on—because of the gray part. Or maybe you move on, but these suckers stay with you. These peepers linger. You’d probably be surprised by how often I hear that. Then again, maybe you wouldn’t be surprised at all! This isn’t a blondie, by the way. Not really. I mean it’s a blondie, but it’s made with fake sugar. It’s not very good, or I’d offer you some. How have you been?”
“Same as always,” I said.
“And how’s that, Belt Magnet?”
I said, “You never told me where we knew each other from.”
“Well that’s because we don’t know each other, and I’m really nervous because I realize I sound like a complete weirdo who’s talking way too fast!” said Lotta. She swallowed some blondie, rolled up her eyes, loudly inhaled the summer air through her nose. “Okay,” she said. “Okay. Okay. Confession time. It’s confession time because the thing is, me and my girlfriends? We had a total deadly hot crush on you back when, but you were a couple grades ahead of us, and then, by the time it would have been alright to do something about it, well—you know.”
“I don’t,” I said, though I thought I probably did.
“Well you kind of went from trouble to troubled is how I think my grandma would say it.”
“Who’s your grandma?” I said.
“Who was she’s more like it. She passed on, oh my, it must have been twenty years ago. We’re getting so old, Belt. I’m thirty-five years old next month. You must be thirty-seven, thirty-eight now, right? But Grandma, may her kind, granny soul be at rest, was a big fan of Elvis is what I meant, and what she’d always say about Elvis was how, at the start, with ‘Hound Dog’ and ‘Heartbreak Hotel’ and so on—at the start he was trouble, but then, by the time he was wearing those capes, he was…troubled.”
“So you liked me end of summer, 1987.”
“I guess it was 1987. Wow, that’s so long ago. But not just liked, though, Belt. Deadly hot crushed on. And not just end of summer. A little into fall, too. We saw your performance at the Feather place and, I swear, you were—you were beautiful. Our hero. We all got our first periods the following morning. Oh, that’s a gross thing to say, isn’t it? I’m sorry. That was gross. I’m gross. It’s true, though. Mostly. Not all of us got them, but three of us did. Me and Kelly and Jenn. Ashley, however, it should probably be noted, is now a lesbian, so I don’t think her crush was real anyway. We were, like, nine years old, though. I mean it was definitely a phenomenon. Or maybe we were ten. Still, though. You turned us into women. God, I don’t say things like this. I don’t talk this way. I’m really not a bubblehead. I’m so, I’m just…I mean, I’d heard you were in an institution, and then I heard you wrote a novel, which I read—awesome by the way—and I sent a letter to you through your publisher, but I never heard back from you, which made me pretty angry—I took a lot of time on that letter!—but then I heard that you were in an institution again and so I forgave you for not writing back, and but now you’re here. At my job. And what’s even weirder than that is that so was Jonboat. Just yesterday. I knew he was back, but still, you know? It’s different to see him in the flesh than on some front page. It’s like hearing your voice after having read your book. At least that’s what I imagine it’s like. I mean, I wasn’t actually here when he came in, but Chad-Kyle was, and he compared it to a time when he saw some singer from some band thats name I can’t remember right now—I never heard their music but I definitely heard of them—Chad-Kyle saw this singer eating eggs at the IHOP like a regular person, and he said that seeing Jonboat come in here to bank was exactly just like that, except times two, or squared or whatever. Squared? Whichever’s bigger. Which is I guess always squared. Not always. Almost always. If the number’s greater than two, or…wait. Yes. Squared’s always bigger than doubled if the number’s greater than two or less than zero—and what a shitty movie, by the way, ha! yeah, I know, I know, it was also a book too—but like…No. Yeah. I’m totally right. If the number you’re squaring is greater than two or less than zero, then squaring it always makes it bigger than doubling it. Because of a negative times a negative is always a positive. So squared. That must have been what Chad-Kyle said. That when Jonboat came in, it was like the time he saw the singer at the IHOP eating pancakes, but squared because Fondajane was right beside him, holding his hand, getting kissed on the cheek by him. The both of them at once! Just banking away. Except unlike me, and unlike you, Chad-Kyle hadn’t even ever once seen Jonboat in the flesh before, not even as a kid, so maybe it was more intense for him to see Jonboat in the bank than it is for me to hear your voice after reading your book. But also, Chad-Kyle, I don’t think, ever had a crush on Jonboat, because of how he’s straight, and he definitely didn’t have a deadly hot crush on Jonboat like I used to have on you so many years ago now, so maybe the intensity he was feeling was equal after all. To mine. Unless he used to have a deadly hot crush on Fondajane. Which, duh duh duh, is almost definitely the case. I mean, more than the case because he probably still does, right?”
“Maybe?” I said.
“I mean, every guy’s had a crush on Fondajane, haven’t they?”
“Well, a lot of guys, sure, but—”
“You?”
“Me?” I said. “No.”
“Come on. Admit it. You find her attractive.”
“Not really,” I said.
“Not into rich blondes with PhDs and ideal bodies?”
I made a couple laugh sounds.
“Wait—are you a bigot? That’s it, huh? You’re a bigot.”
“I’m—”
“Totally kidding. I know you’re broad-minded and intellectual. Anyway, I can’t even remember the point I was trying to make. Jonboat…you…Yeah. That was it, I guess. Jonboat, then you. That’s what I was getting at—no maybe it’s not what I was getting at. But still, it bears saying: it’s like everyone’s coming back to Wheelatine all the sudden, you know?”
“I never left,” I said.
“Well except for when you were in those institutions, though.”
“I was never in an institution,” I said.
“You can tell me,” she said. “You don’t have to, obviously, but I’m not judging. I was actually in an institution for a little bit, myself. It’s hard being bigger, you know, as a younger person.”