“And I am also and furthermore sorry, too, for sometimes coming to class late, and sometimes coming to class late looking like I have a hangover but hopefully not smelling like I have a hangover which is the reason why I’m sometimes late when I’m looking like I have a hangover is because I have a hangover and I need to take an extra-long shower out of consideration for the noses of those of my peers who will be sitting around me. There is no excuse. I am not trying to be excused. I am only trying to give you a reason to consider the giving to me of a chance to earn extra credit.
“In case it is any comfort to you yourself, I will also hereby tell you that my heart is broken for myself, Dr. Martin, because the girl I won’t name does not, has not, and never will love me I have realized, and I cannot blame that on the best friend who instead of doing what I hoped she would and telling the girl I won’t name how she thought I was a good person worthy of a love as powerful as mine and equally perpendicular instead told me that she was in love with me herself which I took advantage of in the wild romantic hopes of someone who is lonely and has needs and thinks that maybe the fillment of his needs could perhaps be the rare, full kind of fillment where it turns out to be an unexpected surprise that it was what was meant to be all along and that all along he loved the best friend, but which I did not. My hopes were stupid and desperate and after our fling there was no way the best friend was going to have anything nice to say about me to the girl I won’t name, and so she didn’t. And so I also don’t blame my broken heart on you reading the note in front of the class and I hope you do not either. I hope you do not feel guilty about doing that to me and my hopes. I only wish I was more ashamed of the note at the time because then maybe instead of telling the best friend, after class, that the note had been for her, I would not have told her anything and we would not have flung and I would not have broken my own heart, because that is how it went down in the end after all was I did it to myself and I can only blame it on myself for trying so hard and believing so hard at and in a thing which was clearly and plainly and on reflection very obviously never meant to be, and I mean flinging with the best friend, not being in love with the girl I won’t name with mutuality on the part of her because that was meant to be, I am certain of it, but I screwed it up forever, and am responsible for preventing what was meant to be from being.
“A lot of thought and effort on the part of myself has gone into this extra-credit project, which will be a demonstration of the Observer Effect, which I know you said is different from what Schrödinger was saying about the make-believe cat who is superdead or superalive in that atomic poison box until you check, and you warned us not to confuse it with the Uncertain Principle which is a whole other keg of fish, but I have still titled my project ‘Schrödinger’s Curio,’ because I think it is a clever title, so just please don’t think I think I’m doing a Schrödinger here when all I’m doing, I am sure, is demonstrating the Observer Effect in the following way that I will describe.
“I am standing here inside the party hutch of Beta Theta Delta Epsilon house telling you all these things I’m telling you on one side of your screen, while on the other side of your screen as I am sure you have noticed for as long as I have been speaking my heart to you there are twelve Curios who are what is sometimes called ‘popsicled’ and sometimes called ‘standylivered’ or any number of other Appalachias beyond the scope of this explanation in the sandbox in our backyard. As I am sure you can see, these popsicled Curios are doing behaviors that if they weren’t robots would mean they were in a lot of pain and only a lot of pain. But as I am about to demonstrate to you in two ways at the exact same time, they will behave different when I go outside into the backyard and look at them. They will interrupt themselves from acting like they are in a lot of pain in order to not act like they are in a lot of pain and like they are actually having a good time. I should tell you, before I go and demonstrate this, that I am the person who popsicled only six of them—the six in the right two columns—and only three of those are mine. The other three belong to my fraternity brother Micky McMichaels. And then when it comes to the six Curios in the left two columns, three of those are mine and three of those are Mickey Double-M’s, which is what we brothers here call Micky McMichaels instead of Micky Mick or Triple-M because those are how the brothers of Micky Double-M’s pops and granddad called them, respectably, and Micky Double-M is his own person. He is also the one who popsicled the six Curios on the right, though, I’m saying, and, just as importantly as that information is the information that Micky Double-M will not be present in attendance for this demonstration I am about to do, which matters for the following reason, which is: I have never before seen the three cures in the farthest-right column before in my life and none of them have ever seen me either. And why is the reason that this is important? It is important because what you will notice that I would like to draw your attention to is how even though all of the Curios will interrupt themselves from their total-pain-and-suffering kind of behavior to behave like they are having a good time when they see me, the ones that belong to me will seem like they are having an even better time in those moments than the ones that belong to Mickey Double-M. The ones that belong to Micky Double-M that, I urge you to please remember, three of them and I have never seen each other, will all act less like they are having a good time than the ones that belong to me will act, but they will all act equally like they are having as good of a time as one another. The reason that is so important is because what it will show is a couple things that I will explain in just a moment. Now, follow me, Dr. Martin.”
Robbie beckons at the camera on the left side of the screen. While the camera follows him down a hallway, through a kitchen, and out a sliding glass door, the Curios on the right side of the screen continue to writhe and painsing and self-mutilate as described earlier.
Robbie’s gait slows as he approaches a wide oak tree, a few feet behind and to the left of which we can see the popsicled cures in the sandbox. Robbie presses his back to the tree and whispers, “Did they notice us?” The camera turns toward the sandbox, zooms in on the cures, none of which are looking in the camera’s direction.
“Nope,” says the cameraman.
“Shhh!” Robbie whispers, as the camera zooms out and swings back to film him.
“So,” Robbie whispers, “you can see they’re all just behaving like before, like they’re in nothing but the purest kind of terrible pain, but in just a second, I’ll step out from behind this tree, and you’ll see how the six that are mine—the farthest-left column ones, and the ones in the third column from the left—interrupt themselves to act like they’ve never before in a zillion years ever even heard of anyone or anything being as happy as they are, and then the ones that are Micky Double-M’s will do the same thing but just not as completely and totally enthusiastically. Alright, now, on three. One, two, three!”
As we see Robbie step out from behind the tree and toward the cures on the left side of the screen, and we see his shadow fall over them on the right side of the screen, those cures that belong to him (columns 1 and 3, from the left) relax their brows and cease their self-mutilation behavior and their painsinging to hum and coo and make kissing sounds and wink and clap and show him swear fingers, whereas those that do not belong to Robbie (columns 2 and 4, from the left), though they relax their brows and cease their self-mutilation behavior and reach in his direction and grab at the air, continue to painsing. Robbie stands before them for nearly two minutes, in the course of which, each of the cures briefly reengages in its previous (i.e. self-mutilating, painsinging) behavior at least three times.