Hope summoned what little energy she had and smiled weakly at Annelise. ‘Come and sit down,’ she said. ‘You look almost as bad as I feel.’
Annelise smiled too. But it wasn’t her usual smile; it was too brittle and brimming with sadness. ‘It’s so good to have you back with us, Mums,’ she said when she was seated by the side of the bed.
‘Then why do you look so terrified?’
‘Do I?’
‘Yes you do. Would it be because I didn’t dream that you told me you were pregnant, that you are?’
Annelise nodded and chewed on her lower lip. ‘I’m sorry,’ she said. ‘I know how very disappointed in me you must be. But you need to know, whatever disappointment you feel, it’s nothing compared to what I feel for myself. And I’m sorry I told you about the mess I’ve made of my life when you were unconscious.’
‘I’m curious, why did you do that?’
‘Part of me hoped it would shock you out of the coma. But it was also the coward’s way of confessing my folly to you.’
‘When I couldn’t react?’
‘Yes.’ Annelise’s lips quivered, and her eyes filled with tears. ‘I’m so sorry. I’ve let you down. You and Edmund. And after everything you’ve done for me.’
Hope could feel her emotions unravelling again and fought hard not to give in to another loss of control. ‘Please don’t cry or you’ll set me off too,’ she said. ‘Does Edmund know?’
‘It didn’t feel right to burden him while he was so worried about you. But Romily knows; she guessed.’
‘In my experience it’s never been possible to hide anything from Romily.’
‘And I told Stanley.’
Hope looked up sharply. ‘Is he the father?’
‘No. It’s a married man in Oxford.’
‘Oh, Annelise, how could you?’
‘I stupidly believed him when he told me his marriage was all but over. Which I know is the oldest trick in the book.’
‘He must have been very convincing to fool you. You’re by no means stupid.’
‘He was. And I’m afraid I’m as stupid as the next naïve girl. You can be angry with me if you want to be. It’s what I deserve.’
Hope’s heart contracted at the sight of Annelise’s anguish and she saw all too clearly that she had to do all she could to help. There was no point in being angry or disappointed. What Annelise needed was her help, not her condemnation.
‘Edmund might accuse me of not being capable of thinking straight right now,’ Hope said, ‘but I have a suggestion. I think you should request a year-long sabbatical from St Gertrude’s and just as soon as I’m deemed well enough to go abroad to convalesce, the three of us should go away together. Given my situation, the Dean is hardly likely to refuse your request, and not if I make a sizeable donation to the college.’
Her eyes wide, Annelise stared at her. ‘But . . .’
‘But what?’
‘But then what do we do? Or rather, what do I do?’
‘Goodness, you can’t expect me to have all the answers after being in a coma for so long! But first things first; you must tell Edmund.’
‘I can’t bear the thought of disappointing him. Can I tell him in a few days, when he’s recovered some of his old self? He’s been so worried about you. As have we all.’
Thinking how she had wanted to give up on life, for it simply to be over, Hope succumbed to a shameful wave of guilt. It had been selfish of her to wish for her death. She had convinced herself that Edmund, and everybody else, would be better off without her. Now, knowing the torment that Annelise had been suffering and how scared she had to be of the future, Hope felt an overwhelming sense of love and responsibility to help the girl. She may have let Annelise down in the past by not always being as supportive as she could have been, but she would not fail her now.
‘You’re not to worry, Annelise,’ she said, ‘Edmund won’t be disappointed in you. He loves you very much. Just as I do.’
With another wave of guilt, and her eyes beginning to close with exhaustion, Hope acknowledged that these were words she hadn’t said often enough to Annelise. That would have to change.
Chapter Eighty-Three
Melstead Hall, Melstead St Mary
December 1962
Julia
Ralph had told Julia to wait for him in her parlour but the longer she waited, the more Julia’s nerve went.
Could she really leave Arthur and the life she had here at Melstead Hall? And for what? To scrimp and save just as she had before Arthur came along? Maybe she could bear that for herself, but not for Charles. Wouldn’t it be better to stay and try harder to please Arthur? Wouldn’t that be a sacrifice worth making?
He had cared for her in the beginning, she was convinced of it. But at some point, that must have changed. She must have failed him in some way. Failed to do her duty . . .
That must be why he had sought his pleasure elsewhere, and with Miss Casey of all people. Had it been Miss Casey who had encouraged him to lie about the accident with Hope and then to threaten Julia by saying he would tell the police it was her behind the wheel of the car? With what she now knew, Julia wouldn’t put anything past that woman.
What if she found a way to get rid of Miss Casey and then apologised to Arthur for all the upset she had caused him; would life then go back to how it once was? When it was bearable. When all she had to do was her duty.
No, no, NO! What was she thinking? She had done nothing wrong. Arthur was a brute! A brute from whom she had to escape. She had to do it for Charles’s sake, just as Ralph had told her.
But was escape really possible? Could she do it right this time?
When she was a child she had tried running away from home. She had filled a shopping bag with an apple from the garden, a clean nightdress, her toothbrush and hairbrush and a change of ribbon for her hair. Lastly, she had added her most treasured possession, a small doll called Polly. Her mother had given it to her a few months before she died.
The bag hooked over her shoulder, Julia had quietly opened the front door while her father was in his shed in the garden. She ran to the park and hid behind the pavilion. From her hiding place she watched the park keeper locking the gate. After tucking the key into his jacket pocket, he fastened on his cycle clips, climbed onto his bicycle and disappeared off down the road.
She made herself comfortable in the pavilion and hugging her doll close, she nibbled on the apple from her bag. It wasn’t long before it was dark and cold and she regretted that she hadn’t thought to pack a blanket or even another cardigan, but her decision to run away had been on the spur of the moment. She missed her mother so very much and her father always seemed cross with her.