‘Happy bloody Christmas,’ he toasted himself with the mug of coffee. Then looking around him, he suddenly thought of the absurdity of suggesting Annelise marry him as an answer to her problems. Why would she lower her standards to be with him?
Oh yes, some time in the future, he planned to have a bigger and better house, and one he would design himself, but that was a long way off. He needed to make a name for himself as an architect before that dream could ever be a reality. Fairview was the first really big commission he’d been given, and he’d always be grateful to Hope and Edmund for providing him with the chance to prove his ability. Very likely Annelise had had a hand in persuading them to appoint him, although when he asked her directly if she had, she denied it.
He sipped his coffee thoughtfully, wondering why love had to be so hard. Why did some people fall in love with the right person, and others the wrong? Look at Annelise, as smart as paint, but still she had fallen for a married man.
As for him, why did he have to love Annelise the way he did? She was unattainable, he knew that, he always had. But his feelings for her made it impossible for him to love any other woman. He was stuck in limbo, for ever wanting what he couldn’t have.
Was the answer to get away from Melstead St Mary and everything connected to Annelise? To put as big a distance between him and the village as was possible?
He thought of the Christmas card he’d received a few days ago; it had been sent from the other side of the world: Australia.
What if he went there?
The sender of the card had studied architecture with him and many a time they’d revised for exams late into the night together. Last year John had become a Ten Pound Pom and went to live in Sydney. According to the message in the card he was having the time of his life and earning a ton of money into the bargain.
Why shouldn’t Stanley do the same? He was well qualified and certainly not afraid of hard work. What was more, there’d be no risk of any freezing pipes. He’d spend his free time on the beach, just as John boasted he did. Better still, from all that Stanley knew of Australia, it was a classless society, a place where he could reinvent himself to be whoever he wanted.
The more he thought about it, as he stood watching the snow fall outside, the more tempting the idea became. What if, putting all this behind him, he could shed his past like an unwanted coat? Maybe then he’d also be free of the nightmares and the debilitating self-loathing that still had the power to rip the guts out of him.
But what of the people who had shown him such kindness? Those who had given him a home as a child and helped educate him? Could he really walk away from Romily and Evelyn and the debt of gratitude he owed them? And could he really leave Annelise?
What if she came with him? She could easily find a job at a top university in Sydney. And she could pretend to be widowed and therefore perfectly respectable in having a child.
Just as he was getting carried away with the idea that they could each build an exciting new life in a far-off land, he saw the fatal flaw in his thinking. The whole idea of him going to Australia was to escape his problems, not take them with him. If seeing Annelise was too difficult for him, then it would be better to remove her from his life completely.
He briefly closed his eyes at the pain he knew that would cause him, but what choice did he have? He couldn’t go on as he was. Something had to change, and it had to be him. He had to create a new existence for himself. A fresh start.
As if picking up on his thoughts, Tucker pressed his nose against one of Stanley’s legs. And what about me? The dog seemed to ask. Oh God, thought Stanley bending down to him, how could he leave his beloved dog behind?
An hour later, his boots on and bundled up in his duffle coat, a woollen hat pulled down over his head and the hood of his coat up, Stanley was ready for the trek to Island House. On his back was a rucksack containing Christmas presents, and a pair of shoes with clean socks to change into. It was rare for him not to take Tucker out with him, but he decided the snow was just too deep. ‘Best you stay here next to the Rayburn,’ he told the dog.
He’d walked for about a mile and not a single car had passed him. Or anyone else on foot. It was as if he was entirely alone in the world. At a sharp bend in the road, he recognised Edmund’s Mk 2 Jaguar sticking out of the hedge. The only reason he knew it was Edmund’s car was because as he approached, a great drift of snow slid down the back of it and revealed the number plate. Worried, he brushed the snow away from a side window to make sure Edmund and Annelise weren’t stuck inside. To his relief, they weren’t.
From the direction the Jag was pointed, Stanley guessed that Edmund, and probably Annelise too, had been returning from seeing Hope. He pressed on, deciding to take a detour to Fairview to make sure they were okay.
Annelise opened the door to him.
‘Stanley!’ she said, ushering him over the threshold, ‘what are you doing here? I thought you were having lunch at Island House?’
‘I was on my way there when I saw Edmund’s car and was worried.’
‘That’s so kind of you, and it’s not as if we’re on your way to Romily’s.’
‘It doesn’t matter. How . . . how are you?’ He forced his eyes to stay on her face and not travel down to where the baby was growing inside her.
‘Still feeling hideously sick,’ she answered quietly.
‘Any decisions made? And I don’t mean about marrying me,’ he rushed to clarify. ‘I know you can’t do that. It was a mad idea on my part.’
‘It wasn’t mad, Stanley, and I’m too fond of you to want to lumber you with another man’s child. That wouldn’t be fair to you.’
Aren’t I the best judge of what’s fair for me? he wanted to say, but he knew there was no point.
‘Will you stay for a drink to warm you up?’ she asked. ‘It is Christmas, after all.’
‘I don’t want to intrude.’
‘Don’t be silly. Since when have you ever intruded? To be honest, Edmund could do with being cheered up. He’s upset that we can’t spend the day at the hospital with Hope as we’d planned. We were on our way home last night when we skidded off the road.’
‘You weren’t hurt, were you?’
‘No. It happened in slow motion, so not even a bump. But the car’s stuck in the hedge and so there’s no way we can get to the hospital now. Edmund started talking about walking, but it would take him the best part of the day to make it all the way to Chelstead.’
‘Why don’t you both come to Island House with me?’ he said. ‘I’m sure Romily wouldn’t mind two extra for lunch; you know how she likes to gather everyone together.’ He was about to add that it would be like the old days, when he stopped himself short. With Hope fighting for her life, and Annelise pregnant, a comment like that was hopelessly inappropriate. How could anything be like it used to be?