Sophie was astonished and sensing her hopelessness, Peter added, ‘Look, it may not be impossible to crack the code. You just need to find out everything about your aunt. Is there any opportunity to go through her things? Or talk to family members who knew her? You may get lucky.’
Sophie nodded and closed the records. She recognised that what she was missing was the human element. What had her great-aunt been like as a person? Did she truly seem the sort that would run off to Germany with a Nazi and work for the enemy?
Sophie went to the copy machine and had just finished copying all of Vivienne’s records when her gaze drifted out of the window and something she saw made her heart stop.
The man strolling past the window was the same height as Matt, had the same wavy hair, and appeared to be wearing the jumper she’d bought him for Christmas. But it couldn’t conceivably be Matt, because under his arm was a beautiful blonde woman who was beaming up at him and chatting to him with great enthusiasm, as he grinned down at her.
Sophie was frozen. At first she just stood there staring, watching them, an inky darkness hovering on the edges of her vision, threatening to consume her as her heart thundered in her ears. Her mind had to be playing tricks on her. As the couple started to disappear from view Sophie came to her senses, knowing she needed to confirm what she’d seen. Racing through the building, she ran towards the door to get a better view. Surely it couldn’t be Matt. Stepping outside, Sophie watched him walk up the street. She knew for sure now. This was her boyfriend, or was he also someone else’s? The realisation of the truth of those words struck her brutally. She had to confront him there and then, otherwise she would collapse. Racing after him, she ran up the street and called out his name.
He stopped sharply and pulled his arm away from the woman he was with, looking anxiously about him. He whispered something into the young woman’s ear, and she stepped aside, as if they wanted to make it appear they were just walking side by side, but that only confirmed it for Sophie. If it had been something innocent, maybe a co-worker he’d just had his arm around for a second, why would they be responding like this?
All at once Matt spotted her. Years of being in a relationship with him had trained her to recognise guilt on his face. He strode towards her, speaking in a nervous jumble.
‘Oh, Sophie, how wonderful to see you. I didn’t think you’d be here today. Isn’t your research done for the exhibition?’
‘Matt?’ she spluttered out, and she couldn’t keep the heartbreak from her tone.
He stopped babbling and seemed to have been rendered momentarily speechless.
She forced out words. ‘How long has this been going on?’
He stepped back, appearing not to be ready to have this conversation. ‘What? Oh, you mean Mandy and me?’ he said, acknowledging the young woman who had stayed up the street and had not ventured any closer. Maybe she was afraid of the confrontation. ‘We’re just friends. Friends from work,’ he continued to babble again. ‘She got transferred to my department recently, and she’s been helping me with some of my accounts.’
‘Helping you?’ said Sophie coldly. ‘It looks like she’s doing more than helping you, Matthew, you had your arm around her.’
Mandy strode towards them. ‘Matt, you need to tell her; you promised you would do that this week. It’s time.’
He stared at Mandy then and appeared to decide there was no point continuing to lie.
‘Sophie, I’m sorry.’ He ran a hand through his hair. ‘Things have been so difficult since, you know…’
He left his unfinished statement hanging in the air for her to fill in the blanks. ‘Since we lost Emily,’ were the words that went through her mind. This was his way of dealing with it – by moving on. Just as he had left their home, he was leaving her. Burying all that grief inside instead of dealing with it. They had been through the worst, the hardest of circumstances that any parents should face. What had happened had changed everything.
Matt continued, ‘The truth is, this is just too hard. Whenever I look at you all I see is…’ he swallowed down his tears, ‘… her.’ His voice then cracked. ‘And I can’t do it any more.’
His words stabbed her in her heart as she knew exactly what he meant, he reminded her of all the sadness as well. Sophie looked up into his distraught face and she saw it clearly for the first time, though she now suspected the truth had been there for a while. Just as a book on grief she had read had stated that the loss of a child was often just too much pain for some couples to go through together. He wanted to escape into what was safe and familiar and for him, that wasn’t with her. Sophie knew she should be angry, but there was also part of her, she suddenly realised, that in some ways was relieved.
He was still talking and as she tuned back in to what he was saying she heard, ‘I don’t know, Sophie. I don’t know what to tell you but I don’t want to have this conversation out here. Can we get together for a glass of wine later?’
She glanced over at Mandy, who was looking sheepish as she looked towards the pair of them with compassion while he talked about their mutual pain. None of this was easy. Slowly, Sophie nodded.
‘I’ll text you,’ he stated, and couldn’t get away fast enough. As he strode up the road, Mandy had to almost run to keep up with him and Sophie noticed that he didn’t put his arm back around her or take her hand.
She stood there staring after them for what felt like an eternity, struggling, using that time to let the truth sink in. She and Matt were finished. He’d found someone else and the hardest thing to come to terms with was that as she had watched that woman swish away at his side, it could have been her four years ago. The old her, the high-flier, the one that got to work early and left late. And she acknowledged with the weight of realisation that that was what Matt had found attractive. They had both been people on the edge, barrelling through their life in a manically driven way. And to escape his pain Matt had quietly gone on and replaced her, with a younger hungrier version.
8
Heading home on the train, Sophie sat despondently, looking around the carriage. And it hit her: she was single again. Well, not officially, but she knew it was simply a matter of hours. Did that mean she’d have to start dating again? Now, aged thirty-eight? The thought of it gave her anxiety. Staring at the motley crew of commuters, Sophie wondered if she’d find love again. She closed her eyes and leaned her head against the window, allowing the coolness of the glass and the rocking of the train to soothe the loneliness and grief that threatened to wash over her.
Sophie opened her eyes and looked out of the window. The city buildings had disappeared and the train had slipped into suburbia. Family homes flashed past her, almost like a slap in the face with her present thoughts.
When she got home, Sophie went straight into the flat and poured herself a large glass of wine. Not much of a drinker, normally just having a couple of glasses if she went out for dinner, she felt suddenly like she needed it. As she stared out of her kitchen window, tears slid down her cheeks again as she realised how much her life was about to change. She then sat there staring at the phone, like a ridiculous schoolgirl, wishing he would text her.