‘Is there any news of my aircraft?’ he asked cautiously.
Vivi shook her head. ‘There wasn’t ever any wreckage recovered. And the pilot has not been found.’
He nodded his head, but Vivi noted there was something more. Something more than him just asking. She could see it in the intensity of his expression and wondered what it could be.
21
As François started to get well, Vivi was able to take him out onto the grounds of the manor more often, and as the weather began to turn warmer, she would wheel him out to the spring garden where tulips and daffodils were starting to push through the dark, frozen ground. If it was warm enough, they would sit out there and talk away from the confinement of the hospital. Their conversations became more fluid, more intimate. As every day passed, Vivi found her attraction to him growing. His easy laugh and manner, the long lashes and his piercing blue eyes that with one look could twist her stomach into knots.
One bright spring day, she had wheeled him out and they sat in their favourite spot. It was chilly and she had covered him with a blanket, even though a weak winter’s sun was trying its best to warm up the cold earth.
‘I am so grateful to you, Vivi,’ he said, his gaze meeting hers. ‘Not only for your nursing, but for your companionship. This war has not given me many moments to pause, where I have just been able to live. There has been so much to do for as long as I can remember. I have either been preparing for a mission, on a mission, or recovering from one. It has been such a long time since I was just able to be myself with someone else.’ His eyes found hers with intensity as he added, ‘Someone I’m starting to fall in love with.’
He slipped his hand on top of hers. She felt a jolt of electricity through her body. She had wanted to hear those words from him and touch him for over a week but had been holding back, examining the feelings she had. Vivi had never been really in love before. She’d had a number of dalliances but nothing with the strength of feeling of this attraction. If this was anything like the beginning of it, she couldn’t believe the attraction she felt just looking at him, being with him, with him holding her hand. It felt like something was complete in her, created by whatever this was between them.
Vivi shook the tears from her eyes, experiencing a mixture of joy and the sadness that constantly loomed over her. ‘You wouldn’t say that if you really knew me,’ she stated flatly.
He looked at her, startled. ‘What do you mean?’
‘I’m woefully headstrong. I jump in with both feet before I think anything through, and I have a…’ She paused. ‘A past I’m not proud of.’
He lifted her hand gently to his lips and kissed it. ‘All of the qualities that I love so much about you. Many people would have been cautious with a foreigner. You have made me feel so welcome and cared for.’
‘I’ve done terrible things,’ she blurted out before she could stop herself. ‘People died,’ she said. ‘People died because of me, because of my lack of thought, and I have to live with that every single day. I’m not sure I want to burden anybody else with that pain.’
He gently took hold of her shoulders so she would be facing him and, placing a finger under her chin, he raised it so her eyes met his.
‘Vivi, we all have to do things we regret in this war.’ He swallowed. ‘Deceive people that we love, say things and be things that we never in our life imagined that we’d have to be. But you have to remember that we are doing it for a greater good. We are just small cogs spinning inside a huge wheel. But every one of us is important. Sometimes we make mistakes. Because we are human. That is all you did, Vivi. You made a mistake.’
‘People are dead,’ she sputtered out.
‘You don’t know that for sure. Your French family may still be alive.’
She shook her head. ‘I just have a terrible gut feeling. I think that Yvette would have written back if they were all right. I wrote to them a while back under a different name, and I’ve heard nothing from them. What I would do to go back and put these things right.’
She started to sob.
He pulled her into his arms then, and Vivi allowed him to hold her. As hard as it was to talk about these things, his empathy and the care that she saw in his eyes made it all right somehow. It was as though he understood.
‘I, too,’ he whispered into her ear, ‘have done terrible things that I regret. But if I just focus on that, I will never be of any use to anyone. I will never be able to put things right by making this war end. That is what drives me every day – the end of this war so we can go back to living our lives. Vivi, please, I want you to think on these things.’
As he held her, she felt complete, wanting to stay there next to him for the rest of her life. But Vivi knew she had to hold back, keep back everything she was feeling. She was his nurse, and she was also afraid to let anybody else in. She didn’t want anybody else to get hurt, especially someone she had such strong feelings for.
Feeling foolish for crying in front of him, she pulled away and took out her handkerchief, blew her nose and wiped her eyes.
‘I should get you in before it gets too cold,’ she informed him as he watched her intently. She looked down at him, and as if it were the most natural thing in the world, he pulled her down and kissed her gently on the lips. Just a friendly kiss that said, ‘We’re in this together and I understand.’ But it felt so incredible to Vivi. The things she’d known with her heart in her life to this point had been a mere shadow of the feeling she had now. As he pulled away, she looked into his eyes. She wanted to stay there for the rest of her life, there in the garden. Then something else suddenly hit her. Soon he would be going back to fight, and she would lose him to the war. The pain of losing him started to grip hold of her heart in a way she’d never known.
Vivi stood and started to wheel him back to the ward.
‘You’re a good nurse.’
‘As you can see, I am not a good nurse. I’m not supposed to kiss the patients.’
‘It is a great help for healing,’ he joked with her. ‘I’m beginning to feel better already.’
She smiled as she pushed the chair. As they headed to the ward, both her heart and her mind were in distress. So many feelings were coursing through her body, emotions she didn’t seem to have any control over. Immense joy mingled with the sadness of the impending loss. She felt overwhelmed with all of it.
Back in François’s room, Vivi helped him into his bed, and he squeezed her hand one more time before she left him to get on with her duties. The feeling of that touch lingered in her memory, and as she worked the rest of the afternoon, she would periodically look down at her hand and would remember his touch, wondering again where this would lead.
22
One morning, a couple of weeks after François had arrived, Vivi heard a commotion in the great hall, and when she went to find out what was being said, Marion told her something had been washed up on the beach, part of an aeroplane. As Vivi was finishing her shift for the night, she decided to walk down to the beach to watch the recovery effort. She hoped it might be her patient’s missing plane and would love to find something for François, something she could give him back of his personal belongings.