“You have, Baba. I’m sorry I’ve disrespected you.”
He shook his head. “This isn’t about my pride, this is about maintaining your conviction.”
“For me?”
“For humanity. As much as people like to pretend, especially men, you can’t compartmentalize your feelings. It spreads everywhere. Don’t let Keith or Chris or any man change who you are.”
“And who am I, Baba?”
Baba smiled. “Who you’ve always been. You’re just a little lost.”
Lost. Chris had said the same thing to me. Was I lost? Or was I just evolving? Was it so bad being the new Sienna?
“I see you have a lot to think about, so I’ll let you be. I do have one request.”
After I hurt my father with my thoughtless words, I was willing to donate my kidney to spare his disappointment in me.
“Anything.”
“Talk to Chris and Keith. Resolve your hurts and fears. Then let it go in whatever form that means. Promise me you’ll do this.”
I didn’t need to hear their tired excuses. I didn’t want to see them, to unlock all the unwanted and ugly feelings I’d barricaded within me, but I couldn’t deny my father’s request.
“Okay, Baba. For you, I will.”
NOVEMBER
CHAPTER 17
Papa Was a Rolling Stone—Raina
“Thanks for cooking dinner!” Although I was enjoying my freedom at Kara’s, I missed Ma’s home cooking. My mouth salivated at the spread before me in Ma’s kitchen. Collards, lima beans with bacon, fried pork chops, and mac and cheese.
“Thanks for the cupcakes.” She waved at the red velvet cupcake I’d placed in the middle of her dinette table. “Now dig in.”
I grabbed the empty flower-power plate and then zeroed on the plates and platters of food on the kitchen counter. “I can’t believe you cook all this food every Sunday, and for fun.” I muttered the last part as I scooped mac and cheese onto my plate.
“What else am I gonna do? I’m fifty-six. I’m not trying to go out to the club or anything.”
“Then go out to eat.” My mouth watered at the crispy fried pork chop.
“I love to cook, unlike you. Just you, food, and a good movie are all I need.”
The hot sauce was already waiting for me when I returned to the small table in the dining room. “Thanks, Ma.”
“I know how you love your hot sauce. It’s gonna eat up your insides one day.”
“Until then . . .” I liberally shook the hot sauce on my food, except for the mac and cheese. That would be gross.
After she said grace, we dug in. Halfway through the meal, my phone rang. My little brother’s picture popped on my screen.
Ma looked down at the phone. I lifted my eyes to meet hers, checking her reaction to the disturbance from my brother.
Ma shrugged. “He’s your brother. I understand.”
I picked up the phone and left the kitchen, going back to my old room.
“Hey. What’s going on?”
“He doesn’t have much time, Raina.” Vic sighed. “He’s dying. You need to come soon.”
I nibbled and then licked my lips. “How soon?” My voice croaked.
Vic blew out a breath. “A few days, maybe. Today or tomorrow would be better.”
“It’s that serious?”
“He’s only holding on because I told him I’d try again with you.”
“That’s not fair, Vic.” I paced the floor. “I’m not ready for this. I’m not ready to see him again.”
I’m not ready to forgive.
“Like I told you before, life can be shit sometimes. This is one of those moments. He wasn’t father of the year. I know that, he knows that, and you know too. But if you have it in you, dig deep and come to Birmingham. Go to the hospice and give a dying old man peace of mind. He wants to see his baby girl all grown up. He can’t stop talking about you or writing on the damn dry erase board they gave to him to use when he loses his breath.”
“Well, I wanted to see my daddy when I was growing up, but guess what? It didn’t happen!” I yelled.
“Raina,” Vic rumbled, his voice ragged and rugged. He seemed to be losing patience. “Can you please, please just come? For me? I don’t wanna . . .” He sighed, softening his voice. “I don’t want to do this alone.”
Alone. I knew all about that. Regret and shame washed over me. I couldn’t leave my little brother alone to see his father dying. To make funeral arrangements and contact family and friends to notify them of his passing.
Damn, damn, damn!
“Fine, little brother. I’ll do this for you. Not for him. Sorry to sound heartless, but he doesn’t deserve closure.”
“When are you coming?” Vic’s voice was higher, optimistic even.
“I’ll leave early tomorrow morning.”
“Cool. I’ll be here.”
“Good. I’ve gotta go pack or whatever.”
“Yeah, pack for a few days, maybe a week.”
“You’re pushing it, Vic. Didn’t say I’d stay the entire time.”
“Yeah, but do you really want to drive back and forth?”
“I plan to show my face, say ‘Hi, you can die in peace, and have a good afterlife.’ I’ll come back to help you with funeral arrangements.”
“C’mon, Raina. You aren’t working full-time, and my job is being flexible, but it’s been hard lately. They want me to come into the office soon.”
“Fine, Vic,” I bit off. “See you tomorrow.”
“Thanks, big sis. Glad I’m not doing this alone.”
“I know. I’m glad you’re not alone.” I sighed and melted a bit. It wasn’t his fault our dad was a dying asshole.
“Bye, Rae-Rae.”
“Bye, Vickie.” I clicked the end button. “Dammit!” I yelled, flinging my cell on the bed. “Motherfucker!”
Ma knocked on the door. “Hey, baby. What’s going on?”
I leaned against the wall. “Victor Senior isn’t looking so good right now.”
Ma nodded, sadness overpowering her still youthful features. She’d overhead that Daddy was dying from when Vic and I first met. “So, you’re going to see him. To say goodbye.” It wasn’t a question. It was as if she knew I’d eventually cave.
I nodded.
“I knew you would. You’re a good girl.” Tears in her eyes, she leaned in and hugged me. “I know this is hard for you. You were a daddy’s girl, and as much as you hate him, you love him just a little more, don’t you?”
Tears clogged my throat. “I dunno. Maybe.”
“You do.” Ma stepped back, looking at me with tears and pride shining in her eyes. “Because I felt—no I feel the same way.” She squeezed my shoulders. “It’s okay to love someone. Even when they don’t deserve it.”
“I hate that I feel so weak, so silly. I wish I could remove my feelings and throw them away.”
She nodded. “Because with all this love comes pain when they’ve done you wrong. It’s hard to separate the two.”