Confused, he let Kwin and Bactah guide him to a chair. Only after he’d sat down and didn’t feel so lightheaded did he bite his cheek in humiliation, wondering if he’d ever been quite so pathetic in front of the council. Bactah was explaining to them the infection-induced fever. Confound the whole situation. The last thing he wanted to appear as before these men was weak. They thought he was foolish, or arrogant, or belligerent, fine. But not weak.
He lifted his head, ignoring the chill that made him wish for his bed and some hot food. At what point would he be given ten minutes to himself, to eat a full meal? “I’m fine. Now would someone please tell me why your stepdaughter waltzed up to me and practically claimed herself as the new Warden, an hour ago?”
“She’s not the new Warden,” Enisham shrugged, “but she’s going to be.”
“Says you, the king of the Wardens? Last I checked, I was—”
“Yhkon, Enisham,” Councilman Ilidyu interrupted him with an impatient gesture, “do we need to have a power struggle at every meeting? Jaylee scored the highest on the last Elikwai evaluation. Therefore she is the best qualified. But, that does not mean she is automatically the right choice, there are other things to be considered. We just want you to keep her as an option, along with the other highest scoring Elikwai.”
Yhkon sighed, raking his fingers through his hair, flinching at a throbbing headache that seemed to be splitting his skull. If this day could get worse, he wasn’t sure how. His friend was in a coffin…because he had failed. As if that wasn’t enough, Talea might be joining him. And then there was Tarol, and Jaylee, and through it all he still had to be Silquije Eun. Without even Grrake around to back him up.
What he wouldn’t give to crawl back into bed, shut out the world…and maybe just not wake up. “As if this isn’t because she’s your stepdaughter.” He glowered at Enisham, and continued before he could answer. “So she scored high. But what about experience in the field? And…” He frowned. “Put bluntly, she’s a woman.”
“No, really?” Bactah rolled his eyes. “Do expound.”
“You know what I mean.”
“Actually,” Juplay leaned forward, elbows on the table and fingers steepled, “I’m not sure that we do. Just because she’s a woman doesn’t mean she isn’t capable. The battlefield might not be the traditional or even ideal place for a woman, but there can be exceptions. Before you argue, keep in mind that your ward, destined to be the captain of all Calcaria, is a fifteen-year-old girl.”
Enisham nodded with an expression of smug satisfaction. “Precisely.”
Funny, I seem to remember you disliking that the lead ward was female, back when Grrake told you. Being unable to come up with a reasonable argument was all the more frustrating. “Well, fine. But, having a woman on the team would be complicated for…other reasons. Do I even need to explain why?”
“No.” Juplay nodded. “I understand that. But, again…” His golden eyes were keen. “Four female wards ought to involve the same complications.”
What would it take to escape this blasted meeting? Months ago, at their last meeting, they’d practically threatened to replace him. Well, why shouldn’t they? It wasn’t as if he enjoyed this. As if he…as if he could handle the position.
“I don’t see what the dilemma is.” Enisham shrugged with uncharacteristic nonchalance. “Jay is the most qualified for the position. Talea is a girl, yet you hardly complained about her being your ward.”
Reller was saying something, agreeing. So was one of the other councilmen. Yhkon closed his eyes, unable to follow their conversation, mind whirling as pain kept hammering his temples, the effects of the fever only increasing. Finally he stood up, having to grip the chair for balance. His action silenced the discussion as all eyes turned on him. “I…just…do whatever. Make her Warden. I don't…” He pinched the bridge of his nose. Trying to concentrate. To regain control. “Please excuse me.”
Bactah and even Juplay moved to assist him as he started to leave, but he waved them off. Somehow, he made it to his quarters. The actual trip was hazy, he only came to full awareness sitting on the floor, back against his bed. He felt as though he were simply waiting for Grrake to appear. Grrake would see that he couldn't handle it anymore, and he would take over. He would fix things.
But Grrake wasn't there. It was just him, alone in the palace he had always hated, his dying ward a couple halls down. Everything was wrong. Everything had always been wrong…his family, Tessa, Ahjul, Talea. He was wrong, just like Tarol—among others—said. He didn't deserve his role as lead Warden, and he couldn't fill it. Talea and Ahjul were proof of that.
Yhkon let his eyes close, body relax. The list of things he should be doing didn't seem important. Nothing was. Not if Talea was dead. If he could just sleep…it was an escape, if only temporary. He could worry about permanent solutions later.
Even as exhausted as he was, deep, uninterrupted sleep wouldn't come. Instead it was drifting…drifting…nightmares, feverish haze…occasionally aware of his surroundings, even considering climbing into his bed, but never fully awake. Vaguely he felt the various aches and pains, coming and going with his thoughts.
18
Guilt
I t was a knock at the door that woke Yhkon after the long, restless night. Sunlight was peeking through his shuttered window.
“Hello? Yh—oh my bad, not supposed to call you that, am I? I'm not calling you Silquije Eun…so, Mr. Tavker?”
Yhkon sat up, every muscle aching in protest, after spending the night on the floor. There was a hollow pain in his stomach, a reminder he'd hardly eaten. “Who…” Recognition of the voice dawned. Blasted girl. “Rhondel?”
“Yes, duh. Except actually my first name is Jaylee, if you forgot…you gonna let me in or what?”
“Um, no, actually.” He let himself slouch against the bed again. The door was locked, and Jaylee Rhondel was certainly not among the few that possessed a key.
There was a scratching sound moments before the door swung open. He recoiled. “How'd you—”
“Picking a lock is not that difficult.” Her brow furrowed as she looked at him. “Um, you look horrible.”
He didn't feel up to challenging her further on having barged in. Standing up was enough challenge. “I'm fine. I'd be more fine if you left me alone.”
Jaylee quirked an eyebrow. “I would beg to differ. Most people that are fine don't spend the night on the floor, with a perfectly good bed right next to them. I also get the distinct feeling that you haven't eaten a full meal in awhile. Finally…” She trailed off, head tilted slightly as she looked at him. Something about her expression made him think she was going to say something sentimental and make the whole situation twice as bad. Instead, she puckered her lips and finished, “I do believe you should take a bath and change those bandages and…shave.”
His cheeks were flaming. If the council actually made her Warden with the delirious permission he’d given, he would be regretting it for the rest of his life. Some indignation and chastisement seemed the correct response, yet he only fumbled over the attempt, not even mustering enough energy to glare properly at her.