He cracked a bit of a grin. “Hopefully neither,” was all he said. His tone and countenance, however, were reassurance enough.
“Too manly for that stuff, right?” she teased, sliding off the bed and getting the crutches for him. He propped one under either arm and stood, keeping his casted leg off the floor. Talea opened the door so he could hobble over and through, down the hallway a few yards to Grrake’s closed door. She paused with her hand resting on the knob. “This is where I wish you luck and give you a hug whether you like it or not.”
Another smile. For as quiet and withdrawn as he seemed to be…he wasn’t his usual unhappy. Just solemn. “Why do you act like I’m such a hatless, cruel creature all the time?”
“Well,” she simpered, “most of the time you are hatless…”
He rolled his eyes. “Heartless.”
~♦~
Yhkon opened the door, entered, and closed it behind him all without allowing himself to make eye contact with the man in the bed on the other side of the room. He hadn’t been looking forward to the conversation from the beginning, now it was altogether ghastly. As if it weren’t going to be uncomfortable enough, throw in that he couldn’t talk properly, especially when he was uptight.
For a second he considered opening the door again and escaping.
It was too late for that. He released his grip on the knob and turned to face the interior of the room. Grrake was watching him with that familiar look, of concern, of remorse, of desperation. “Are you alright?” he asked, just as Yhkon asked him the same question. They both looked away.
Yhkon spoke again. “I didn’t know if you…” were going to survive. Now he did know. That time when he hadn’t, however, was the reason he was finally ready to have this conversation. He suspected that Grrake knew that. Grrake knew the way he thought and could surmise how he felt or what he planned to do better than anyone. Yet another thing that made him kick himself sometimes, for never realizing that the man was more than just an attentive friend and mentor.
“I’m alright,” Grrake said, with a hint of a reassuring smile. “Can we...talk?”
Not a skill of mine. He couldn’t bring himself to say yes. Limping the rest of the way in and sitting on the foot of the bed had to be confirmation enough. Grrake, though, got up almost the moment he sat down, crossing over to his dresser and opening one of the bottom drawers. Yhkon realized he had never seen him take anything out of that drawer. Now he took out two bundles of envelopes, and brought them back. He set one of them in Yhkon’s hands as he sat down beside him.
All of them had his name written in a flowing hand on the front.
“They’re from your mother,” Grrake said. “Shanteya. She wrote one for each of your birthdays, and just when she felt like it. Not being able to be a part of your life...” He paused. “She made a lot of hard sacrifices, but I know that was the hardest.”
Yhkon could only stare at the dozens of envelopes. He finally undid the string that held them so that he could open one. Not allowing himself to read the letter itself, he only looked at the bottom of the page. At the last three words. “I love you.”
Rustling paper forced him to refocus. Grrake was unfolding a letter from his own bundle. He turned it for Yhkon to see and pointed to the signature at the end:
With all my love,
Shanteya
He knew Grrake was watching him closely, and he had already known that Shanteya had written to him...yet he couldn’t take his eyes from the signature. “Do you believe me?” came the tentative question. When he didn’t answer, Grrake continued. “Enisham, Ilidyu, and Juplay all know the story. Now that you know, they can confirm it for you.”
Yhkon slowly folded the letter he had opened and returned it to its envelope. “Why did-didn’t you tell me when I was eighn-t-teen, like you were s-supposed to?”
Grrake grimaced. “I was going to. But that day something had upset you and…” A pause. “Because I didn’t want to lose you. I knew you hated me...not me as just Grrake, but me as your father. I thought if I told you...I would lose the relationship I had with you, and I couldn’t stand that.”
“Didn’t she,” he lifted the letter to indicate who he meant, “want you to? Tell me?”
“Yes.” He sighed. “She reminded me that you would eventually have to find out, and when you did it would only be worse. So did Larak. But I just…” He shook his head. “They were right. I should have told you. I’m so sorry.”
Yhkon met his gaze briefly. Looked away again. “Why did you l-live us in Zentyre?”
Grrake rubbed his palms over his thighs. “It was only supposed to be for a few months. I spent some time throwing your grandfather’s men off your scent, leaving a false trail for them to follow, then I went to Calcaria both to lie low while they searched and because a friend here had asked me to help train the beginning of their military. But a few weeks before I was planning to come back and get you and your siblings...Kaydor started the Eradication. They wouldn’t let anyone leave Calcaria. I tried, but they closed off every form of transportation.”
Yhkon didn’t say anything. It was becoming impossible not to believe the story. It was becoming more difficult to blame Grrake for hiding it. And it was becoming painful to be in the same room as him.
He stood up, clutching the bundle of letters tightly. He started for the door.
“Yhkon!” Grrake was up and blocking his way in an instant. “Please. I know there’s no reason you should forgive me...but I am so sorry. I betrayed you. But…I have always loved you, nothing is more important to me and I just—”
“You shouldn’t!” He hadn’t intended to say it. There it was.
Grrake fell silent for a long moment. “What do you mean?”
He clenched his teeth, hating himself, wishing Grrake would hate him too. “I mean...Kinzie.”
Understanding, and grief, softened the furrow in Grrake’s brow and the anxiety in his eyes. “I don’t blame you for that. I never have.” He moved closer, hesitated, and put a hand on Yhkon’s shoulder. “I love you and nothing can change that. Kinzie’s death wasn’t your fault.”
Yes it was.
Grrake unexpectedly hugged him. “Please don’t carry that on your shoulders.”
Yhkon didn’t pull away from the embrace, even if it was awkward...it was comforting, too. Grrake was still Grrake. His friend. The only friend, really, that had seen him at his very worst, had known him his whole life, and been there without fail. Who never gave up on him. He was also his biological father, whom he had hated as an abstract figure, for leaving him, Jaik, Kinzie, and Lanissa when they needed him, and then for lying to him. But he was still Grrake. And maybe that made up for everything else. Especially since…He pulled away and sat back down. Grrake did too, waiting. Except Yhkon didn’t say anything. Couldn’t. Everything he’d done over the years, the things he’d said, all the ways he’d returned Grrake’s loyalty and care with abuse...
Eventually Grrake looked away. “I understand if you still hate me, for leaving, for lying…”
“No,” Yhkon said it more quickly than he’d meant to. “I mean…” He shrugged a little. It was time to let it go. “I’m ticked, and the-this is weird, but I don’t hate you.”