I also want to say, again, that I’m so sorry. I know that isn’t enough. That they’re only words, and saying sorry will never be enough. But I am really sorrier than I can ever say, for everything – for betraying your trust, for behaving so badly and, most of all, for what happened that night.
I don’t know what else to say.
Harry
Chapter 80
IT WAS his sister coming to visit that stopped Harry going under.
Seeing Martha, being hugged by her, talking to her, promising her that he was going to be okay, that he could hack the remainder of his sentence, that he would be coming home in one piece and that life would, at some point, get back to normal – all of it had been good for him. It had given him the motivation to keep going.
The fact that it had been Fran who had intervened on his behalf – though incredible – was what gave him hope. He didn’t understand what had happened, how Fran could have changed so much since their meeting; but that she obviously had was enough to pull him away from the grasping dark. It was that unexpected splinter of kindness that had given him the confidence to risk sending his letter. He hadn’t expected a reply, that would be too much to ask; but maybe he had– deep down – hung on to a tiny shred of belief that if Fran cared enough to help Martha then she might, just, find it within herself to write back to him.
His hope was rewarded a week later. A letter arrived, addressed to him in Marcus’s loopy handwriting. Harry took it to his cell to read, conscious of his banging heart.
The letter was much longer than his own pathetic note to them.
Dear Harry,
We received your letter.
We’re pleased that you finally got to see Martha. We know she was desperate to see you. We hope the visit put her mind at rest, at least a little. She sent us a thank-you card, which wasn’t necessary, but was appreciated.
Knowing what else to write is difficult, but we felt we should.
Firstly, Fran wants to apologise for hitting you. She knows she shouldn’t have done that. I should have come to the meeting. That is something I deeply regret. I should’ve been there for Fran. I gather it was very difficult. Fran has told me what you said, and what she said. There was obviously a lot of anger and sadness in the room.
There still is.
But…however bad the meeting was on the day, it has had some benefits. We thought you should know that, in a strange way, it has helped us.
We know more about what happened now. That’s always been a huge frustration for us. Not knowing the chain of events that led up to the crash, and what happened in those last few hours of Jess’s life, has been such a source of pain. From that first night in the hospital, and all the way through the legal process, we’ve been shut out – by the system, by your dad and, worst of all, by you.
It felt like it was all about you, not our daughter, and that wasn’t right. It caused a lot of anger. We are Jess’s parents. We had the right to know everything possible about how she died, and why.
But there’s been a lot of hiding the truth, hasn’t there, Harry?
We know, now, that you and Jess had some form of a relationship before she died. That you were together obviously came as a shock to us. But it won’t come as a surprise to you, will it? Because you and Jess lied to us about it. For months and months! Fran and I want to know why you lied? Why it was such a secret? Why our own daughter didn’t confide in us?
We also want to know what you really felt about our daughter. No more lies this time. We want the truth.
Fran says you were very cut-up at the meeting. Is that because you did love Jess? Or is it because you feel guilty about the way you treated her? It’s confusing to us how you could’ve been Jess’s boyfriend, yet at the same time have been carrying on with Tish. We want you to explain that to us. If you can.
But, even if you can’t, we think it is important for you know – it does matter that you are genuinely sorry for what happened.
Fran and I have talked about everything that has happened a lot these past few weeks.
This is where we’ve got to.
We believe you regret driving when you’d been drinking.
We know you didn’t mean to hurt Jess or the others. But you did, and nothing can ever change that.
We think you cared for Jess, maybe even loved her. Only you know the answer to that. Jess seems to have loved you.
And, finally, that the guilt and the sadness you’re feeling are more punishment than any time you’ll spend in prison.
We think of you often.
We think of Jess all the time.
Marcus and Fran
Jess seems to have loved you. As much at their words hurt, having Fran and Marcus finally know about, and acknowledge, his relationship with their daughter mattered to Harry. He read the letter five times, before hiding it away in his cupboard, underneath his clothes. At the next opportunity he got, he asked the screws for some writing paper and an envelope.
Chapter 81
THEY FILLED in the application form together online.
After weeks of exchanging letters with Harry, it felt like the right time.
The volume and length of his letters had been a surprise; reading them had been a trial, but, in a peculiar way, it had also been a cathartic experience for both of them, something they shared and discussed and used to help them talk about their own emotions. With each letter exchanged, Harry grew in his willingness to tell them things. He came clean about how his relationship with Jess had shifted from being friends – almost so familiar that they took each other for granted – to something far closer. How Jess had been the trigger, the one to reach out and suggest that she wanted more. He wrote about how both of them had been shy at first, embarrassed, not knowing what ‘it’ was, but how quickly it had become the most important thing in their lives. He wrote about his feelings for their daughter; his reliance on her; his regrets; his sense of their mismatched, but somehow well-suited personalities; and, above all, about his love for her.
Despite the confession of so much subterfuge and deceit, Fran and Marcus found themselves looking forward to Harry’s letters, because within each one there were nuggets of Jess tucked inside his words. When they caught themselves laughing one day at a story Harry told, about how Jess had got sucked into a conversation about incontinence with two old ladies on the bus, they’d been shocked and delighted. It was a rare, precious moment – a happy, shiny new anecdote. Some of it was hard to read, the worries that Jess hadn’t shared with them about the future, especially her stress about their expectations, but with the arrival of each of Harry’s letters they added to the store of knowledge of their girl. Finally, Marcus felt he was completing the jigsaw of his daughter. That he was doing it with Fran was more important than she would ever know.
The online application asked all the basic questions they’d expected. Harry’s prisoner number and DOB were top of the list. It was a shock to be reminded that he was still only nineteen; an adult in the eyes of the law, but only a boy really. They whizzed through the form until they came to question nine: Relationship to Inmate. Marcus left that one blank. He moved on, filling in their names, ages, address, occupations and the date of the requested visit. It was complete in ten minutes. Then they circled back to question nine. Marcus sat, cursor hovering over the tick boxes. ‘What shall I put?’