“Just go slow, take one day at a time, like they tell people in AA,” Jacopo said.
“And besides, there’s no insurance anyone can buy against heartbreak,” Carlos added.
“Holding back has never been my forte,” Clara said. “I’ve just fallen for him. I actually nosedived.”
What was so special about this man? the two asked.
“Two things. Number one, and I know this is going to sound superficial, he’s my aesthetic ideal. The brooding Heathcliff type. I love everything about him, from his forearms and collarbone to his beautiful toes. My body just wants his, all the time.”
“Beautiful toes?” Carlos asked. “Sounds promising….”
“And number two?” Jacopo asked and then added, in a cajoling tone, “Perhaps something on a less superficial level?”
“I can’t quite grasp what it is—we’ve only just started seeing each other—and he’s guarded, he won’t let anybody see through him. But I know there’s something vulnerable and hurting inside, like an unloved child who’s put up a shield. I just don’t know if he’ll ever allow me in. But I’m obsessed. I want to gain access.”
“Don’t push,” Jacopo said.
“No, I don’t want to fuck it up. But I wish I could say out loud, ‘I love you, I’m crazy for you,’ and maybe hear the same from him? Or be able to ask, ‘Is this thing serious, or is it just sex with no strings attached?’ ”
After Clara left, Jacopo helped clear up the table and wash the dishes. He lived nearby, and he and Carlos were always at each other’s places, eating or binge-watching TV series on the couch.
“It’s early—you don’t have to go yet,” Carlos said, handing Jacopo rolling papers and the tin box where he kept his stash. He always found any excuse to keep his friends from calling it a night because he didn’t fall asleep till very late. Carlos had a high-pressure job as an accessories designer for a major fashion brand and suffered from insomnia because of the constant stress and deadlines.
He and Jacopo sat on the couch and talked about Clara and her preoccupations while Jacopo rolled two joints on the low table. Clara had had various relationships in the past, none of which had ended well, and Carlos and Jacopo were concerned she would get hurt again. She showed her best side whenever in their company—funny, curious, engaging—but with men with whom she was involved romantically she too often became needy and demanding, reserving for them the tragic version of herself. It could get exhausting.
“When you add sex to the equation it’s always exciting, but it creates a layer of stress, especially when you first meet someone,” Carlos said.
He exhaled forcefully from the left side of his mouth, and cleared his voice.
“It’s a good thing you and I don’t have to go through that again.”
When Carlos and Jacopo had first met, at a late-night party almost ten years earlier, they had sex the very same night, but right away Carlos realized he wasn’t physically attracted to Jacopo, despite Jacopo’s Nordic blue eyes and plush lips. He just wasn’t his type—too fair, too thin, too gentle? Carlos, who was stockier and somehow more rugged, didn’t have an answer for that—such was the mystery of pheromones and their chemistry—yet he knew he wanted to see more of Jacopo. He was smart, quiet, balanced, someone Carlos could trust and he could have fun with at the same time. Jacopo worked as an editor for a small but renowned publisher and also translated books from the French. Jacopo’s life was busy, but not as frenzied as Carlos’s, and Carlos liked the way Jacopo always managed to make him feel calmer, grounded, unlike the high-maintenance people he had to deal with every day at work. Their relationship had quickly switched from casual lovers to good friends, and the shift had come naturally, like an unspoken agreement, where apparently neither one was hurt.
Carlos persisted. “Do you know what I’m saying? About the pressure, I mean.”
“I guess so….” Jacopo was busy brushing specks of weed off the coffee table and just gave a nod.
“I think sex always turns the relationship into a power struggle,” Carlos continued, his dark eyes flashing. “Maybe Clara’s right: in a couple one of the two has to give up the ammunition and surrender. That never happens in a friendship.”
“Yes…” Jacopo said, still concentrated on his weed-retrieving operation.
“I mean…” Carlos looked somewhere across the room, searching for the right words. “For instance, whenever I have this crazy fantasy of having my own child…well, the only person I can think of doing it with is you.”
Jacopo stared at him with a stupefied expression.
“Don’t freak out,” Carlos said with a nervous laugh.
“I’m not freaking out.”
“I mean, don’t you think we would be good parents together?”
Jacopo quickly licked the rim of the rolling paper and paused, holding the joint in his left hand.
“Wait a minute: is this a serious conversation we’re having?”
“Well, yes and no. I mean, theoretically, I’d rather raise a child with an old friend than with a new lover.”
“What do you mean, ‘theoretically’?”
Carlos shifted uneasily on the couch.
“With an old friend there’s trust, familiarity, hardly any risk of splitting up. Of divorce, jealousy…all that stuff that happens with a lover. Plus the two of us would make great parents, I really think so.”
Jacopo didn’t say anything for a few seconds, unsure as to where this was going.
“I don’t know, Carlos. I’m a bit—how can I say it?—baffled by this proposition.”
“Hey, it’s not a proposition, it’s just a thought. Something I’ve been thinking about on my own and I thought I would share.”
Jacopo looked at his watch.
“It’s late. Too late to elaborate on this subject, I’m afraid.”
Carlos smiled.
“Right. But don’t discard the subject entirely. Think about it. See how it feels.”
Jacopo walked home under a light drizzle. Although he had always been happy to be seen as Carlos’s best friend, Jacopo was aware that their relationship was unbalanced. Throughout the years he had always been a quarter—okay, maybe half?—in love with Carlos. Little enough so that he could flirt and have sex with other partners and wouldn’t feel too hurt whenever Carlos had a new boyfriend. Little enough so that he could bear the presence of an intruder between them.