How different everything would have been.
But there would have been no Ethan. And that was unimaginable.
‘Why did you do it, then?’
‘Same as you. I believed. I wanted to believe.’
‘Was he a good husband?’
Laura thought about it for a moment. ‘On paper.’
‘Ouch.’
‘Until he wasn’t.’
‘What happened?’
‘Genevieve.’
He sucked air between his teeth. ‘Okay.’
‘He’s a cliché made flesh. She’s young, all tits and teeth, high heels …’
‘God.’
‘… and I’ve been so angry. More angry than hurt.’
‘Aren’t they two sides of the same thing?’
‘I just never thought it would happen to me. I had a vision, you know, of my life. Of my marriage. I never thought I’d end up alone, at my age, starting again.’
‘I don’t think anybody does.’
‘You’re all right.’
‘It took a while. Perhaps we’re a pair of incurable romantics.’
‘Oh, I’m very much cured of anything romantic, believe me.’ She hoped she hadn’t sounded bitter.
‘That would be a tragedy, in my opinion. I mean, how old are you, Laura?’
‘Older than you.’
‘Not an answer.’
‘So …’
‘So …’ He had come close to her now. ‘Come and have a drink with me.’
‘When?’
‘Tonight. Tomorrow. I have no other plans.’
‘Where?’
‘Mine. You know where.’
‘Why?’
‘Because I’d like it, and I think you’d like it too.’
Their faces were as close as they’d been when they were saying goodnight in the cab of the van. She could hear his breathing. And she sensed the lioness again, pacing.
She wanted to kiss him. The tiniest incline of her head would see her lips meet his. The same for him. She hadn’t kissed anyone but Alex for twenty years, more maybe. And she hadn’t been kissed by him in a long time. And she hadn’t realized until just this very moment how much she had missed being kissed.
50
The next morning, Hayley decided she’d given Ethan as wide a berth as he needed, and went to look for him. He was in the small snug at the back. Without a television or a view out to the garden, there was little competition for the space, and he’d been hiding out there without being bothered much since he’d got back. He was lying across the sofa, his gangly legs hanging off the end, his arms behind his head, the ever-present Gallagher brothers on full blast in his ears. She could hear the beat in the still room.
He looked up when the door opened, and Hayley thought she saw relief replace irritation on his face when he saw that it was her and not one of the grown-ups. She shut the door behind her. ‘You okay?’
Ethan grunted a sound halfway between a yes and a no, translatable only by a fellow teen.
Hayley slid into the chair next to him, and pulled her legs up to her chest, hugging them and resting her chin on her knees.
He took his headphones off, but didn’t say anything else. Hayley figured it meant he was listening, at least.
‘Quite the drama, you caused.’ Not unkindly said.
‘Yeah. Sorry about that.’
‘No need to be.’
He shrugged.
‘It could have been me, you know.’
‘What?’
‘Me who left the cover off. I do shit like that all the time. We all do. We’re kids. Could have been Meredith.’
‘But you didn’t. Meredith didn’t. It was me. You’re just being nice.’
‘Just being real. I know it seemed like Mum was just making more drama – making Nick take Arthur to the hospital and all that. It’s just how she is – nothing personal. You shouldn’t think it was about you. She’s … a thorough parent. I suppose it’s partly how she’s wired. Partly because she was on her own with us for so long. She’s a worrier. A bit of a neuro.’
‘Mine too.’
‘Maybe they all are. She’s drummed all this stuff into us all our lives – I’m allergic to nuts. Mildly, to be honest. It was worse when I was a kid – I’m meant to be growing out of it – but she goes on and on and on about it, like I don’t get it. That’s just one thing. Then there’s wound care. She’s big on wound care. Makes us sneeze into our elbows. Heads. Never mess with a bang on the head. Get it checked out.’
Ethan smirked.
‘You know, when we moved here, she was thrilled we wouldn’t be able to learn to drive until we were seventeen. It was sixteen in New Jersey. One more year of not worrying like crazy, she said. She’s nuts.’
They sat quietly for a moment. Hayley’s monologue had made the silence companionable, though.
‘I get my provisional licence in a couple of months.’
‘Cool. I’m pretty terrified, to be honest. Driving a stick shift seems really hard.’
‘A manual car?’
‘Yeah. All the cars in America are automatic. Practically all …’
‘Do you see your dad?’ Ethan stared ahead.
If she was surprised by the gear change in conversation, Hayley didn’t let on. ‘Not really. I mean, we barely did even when we lived in the States.’
‘Is that okay?’
Hayley shrugged. ‘We were really, really little, when they broke up. He was never around much.’
‘Don’t you want him to want to see you?’
Hayley considered. ‘I don’t think about it much.’ She paused. ‘I really like Scott. He’s great. I mean, I’m not saying he’s a dad to us, or anything.’
‘He’s your stepdad.’
‘Yeah. But he doesn’t push that. He’s like … a great friend. Good to talk to, you know. Really kind. Makes awesome pancakes.’
‘That’s cool.’
Hayley nodded. ‘Yeah. What about your dad?’
‘My parents only broke up this year.’
‘I think I sort of knew. How was that?’
‘Shitty. And a relief.’
‘Right.’
‘Shitty because Dad moved out. He has a new girlfriend, a new flashy house, all that. He really, really hurt my mum. She’s been in bits pretty much ever since. And a relief because they weren’t happy. Things had been crappy for a while. Quite a while.’
‘Like fighting, and stuff?’
‘Fighting, sulking, some world-class passive-aggressive chat …’
‘Sounds grim.’
‘Yeah.’
‘Do you see him?’
‘He says I’m welcome to go there whenever I want. But it’s weird.’
‘Weird how?’
‘Weird because she’s always there. Genevieve. I think she lives there, and they just pretend she doesn’t. Like, the master bedroom is full of her stuff. And the shower has all this girly crap in it. If she has her own place, I feel like she’s hardly ever there. Weird because I know it hurts Mum when I go. It feels disloyal.’