I’m having a heart attack. I’m dying. This is it.
When death didn’t arrive, I wiggled my fingers to confirm I was still among the living, then straightened my spine. As I did, I locked eyes with a woman who stood a few steps below me, her light red waves of hair spilling out from beneath a powder-blue hat as she contemplated me with an unsmiling expression. My stomach flipped as I recalled her bruised, slashed back. She continued to stare at me, but then she suddenly dipped her head forward from the tip of her long neck in an almost imperceptible bow of gratitude, before turning away and descending the stairs.
I remained frozen in place as my breathing slowed, then craned my neck to the sky and let the sun warm my face for a prolonged moment before heading down the steps, into the subway, and back to my office on the fifty-sixth floor. I held on to the metal bar above my head for balance as the 4 train jerked its way uptown, scanning the faces of those on the train with me, wondering how many of the women around me had been victims of unwanted advances, unwelcome touching, and assault.
I hurried out of the elevator and into my office, eager to dive into work and put the trial out of my mind. I’d spoken the truth, I reminded myself. But Gary Kaplan wouldn’t be going to jail, and he could always accurately claim he was an innocent man. Still, Klasko had fired Stag River and Gary as a client as soon as the alleged extent of the abuses came to light when charges were filed, unwilling to be publicly affiliated with such a scandal in any capacity. Whether of his own volition or a not-so-gentle urging from the partnership, Peter left the firm even before the trial had begun. He had already joined Pennybaker & Neff, another top-ten firm, and I knew he would have a whole host of associates working for him who had no awareness of his past. I knew he might be replaced at Klasko by new transgressors. But I had to reassure myself that in speaking the truth, there is a kind of victory. Though I wanted nothing more than to see Gary put away for a long time, I had to find a bit of peace in the justice inherent in the process, more than in the verdict.
As I rushed by Anna, the phone on her desk rang. “Alex Vogel’s office . . . I’m sorry, she’s not in right now.” I paused to listen. “I’ll give her the message.” Anna hung up and stared at me without saying anything. Reporters. I pushed through the glass door into my office and slipped out of my coat. Before I even sat, there was a knock on my doorframe, even though the door was open.
“Hey!” I sank into my desk chair as I looked up to see Nancy. She measured me with her eyes for a moment, and I knew from the way she cocked her head to the side that she had heard the verdict. “Not my best day,” I sighed, admitting it so she didn’t have to ask.
Nancy gave me a small smile. “I’m so sorry, Alex. Is there anything I can do to help?”
I nodded, because there was. “Let’s get to work. We’ve got a lot ahead of us.”