“Open up, you fucking pillock!” she shouted. Danny could hear the door shaking, perhaps from fear or perhaps from the fist she was hammering against it. “I know you’re in there!”
Snatching the clock from the bedside table, Danny cursed when he saw the time. Realizing he’d forgotten to set an alarm and was consequently two hours late for dance practice, he leapt out of bed, threw on some clothes, scurried down the hallway, and opened the door.
“I can explain,” he said. Krystal’s fist was suspended in the air and he flinched, unsure if her knuckles were destined for the door or his nose.
“You’ve got ten seconds, after which time I’m going to mace you,” said Krystal. She pulled a tiny canister from her bag and aimed it at the gap between Danny’s eyebrows. “I’ve got to warn you, though, unless you have a fucking good excuse, and by ‘good’ I mean, I don’t know, you were arrested for pissing in a policeman’s helmet, or you were kidnapped by sex traffickers and then returned because nobody wanted to buy you, then there’s a very high chance that you’re going to be spending the rest of the morning pouring milk in your eyes.”
“Why milk?”
“It helps to stop the burn.”
“Got it,” said Danny. “Can we do this inside though? We’ve got neighbors. And, well, the milk’s in the fridge.”
Krystal thought about this for a moment. “Okay, move it,” she said.
Danny backed down the hallway. Krystal followed him into the kitchen.
“One thing,” said Danny. “Does it matter if it’s full-fat or semi-skimmed? Because I’ve only got semi—”
“Ten seconds.”
“Okay, okay. Will went missing last night. I couldn’t find him anywhere, I called the police and everything. I didn’t get home until late and, well, I guess I forgot to set my alarm. There.”
Danny waited for Krystal to holster her weapon. She didn’t.
“Five,” she said.
Danny frowned. “Five what?”
“Four.”
“I just told you everything!”
“Three.”
“Wait!”
“Two.”
“Can you at least answer my question about the milk?”
“One.”
“I was kidnapped by sex traffickers!”
“Nice try,” said Krystal. She mashed the nozzle and Danny screamed as the jet hit him right between the eyes. He clawed at his face while she casually retrieved a carton from the fridge.
“Here,” she said, handing him the milk. Danny grabbed it, and Krystal laughed as she watched him pour it over his head.
“Was that really necessary?” said Danny as he wiped his face with a tea towel.
“Spraying you with Silly String, you mean? Or letting you pour milk all over your head?”
“Silly String?!” said Danny, only then noticing the matted mess of colored threads stuck between his fingers.
“You didn’t really think I’d waste a decent can of Mace on you, did you?” she said, returning the canister to her bag.
“I’m not sure if I’m supposed to be flattered by that or not.”
“Seriously, you should have seen your face. It was literally the most pathetic thing I’ve ever seen. I wish I’d filmed it, that shit would have gone viral for sure. Actually, can we do it again?”
“We’re out of milk.”
“Shame, I was gagging for a brew.”
“Forgive me if I don’t give you any sympathy.”
“An apology will do,” she said.
Danny laughed. “An apology?” he said. “For what?”
“Hmm. That’s a tough one. Let me think for a second. Oh yeah! That’s right, for fucking leaving me hanging around Fanny’s on a fucking Saturday morning, otherwise known as my fucking day off, that’s fucking what.”
“Yeah, well, I’d say we’re pretty fucking even,” said Danny as he wrung the milk from his T-shirt. “And anyway, I told you why I couldn’t make it. If that’s not a good enough reason, then I don’t know what is.”
“I thought you just made that stuff up so I wouldn’t mace you,” said Krystal.
“I wish I was making it up,” said Danny. He grabbed a few bowls and a box of Coco Pops and carried them to the table.
“What happened?” she said, taking a seat.
Danny sat opposite and explained everything: the fight in the morning, Will going missing, running around in the rain, calling the police, and finally discovering where he was hiding.
“Wait, so he was here all along?” said Krystal.
“Yep. Fast asleep in the wardrobe.”
“That is hi-lar-i-ous,” she said, turning one word into four. “I mean, it’s terrible, obviously, but it’s also kind of funny, right?”
“No,” said Danny. “It’s not.”
“Just a tiny little bit?” She measured a tiny little bit with her thumb and forefinger and peered at him through the gap. Danny stared at her. Krystal sighed.
“All right, serious Simon, whatever,” she said. “So where is he now? In the cupboard? Under the table?”
“Right here,” said Danny as Will shuffled into the living room with the hairstyle of somebody who had just spent the night in a wardrobe. “Morning, mate.”
Will said nothing as he stared at Krystal.
“Hello, trouble,” she said. “You must be Will.”
Will nodded, trying to look at her without actually looking at her like he sometimes did with Victoria’s Secret window displays.
“You never said he was so good-looking,” Krystal said to Danny. “Look at his eyes, they’re bluer than a bishop’s balls.”
Danny frowned at her.
“What? They are! You sure he’s yours?”
“He takes after his mum,” said Danny, nodding towards the framed photograph of Liz.
“Lucky for you,” she said to Will. “Hope you got her brains too.”
“Very funny. Will, this is my friend Krystal.”
“Pleasure’s all mine,” she said as Will bashfully shook her hand. “I’m not actually his friend, by the way. Your dad doesn’t have any friends. I bet you do, though, don’t you? I bet all the girls want to be your friend.”
Will laughed nervously. He somehow managed to shrug, nod, and shake his head all at the same time.
“Sleep okay?” said Danny, attempting to change the subject before his son turned any redder.
Will ignored him and reached for the Coco Pops. “Can you ask my dad to pass the milk please?” he said to Krystal.
“You got a mouth, ain’t you?”
“I’m not talking to him.”
“Why?”
“Because he’s a liar.”
“He’s a thief too. You know he stole money from me?”
“I didn’t steal it,” said Danny. “I said I’d pay you back.”
“Whatever. Milk.”
Danny passed the carton to Krystal, who passed it to Will, who upended it over his bowl and watched a sad trickle of milk dribble onto his cereal.
“Can you ask my dad why there’s no milk?” he said.